Harry Potter and the Thrusting Erotica
by MadleyTassida and BlazeSplinder Froste
Summary: Loosely based around the much loved tale of Harry and his adventures in Chamber of Secrets. It is a well dramatized and pornorized saga of intrigue, lust, betrayal, jealousy and curiosity.
1. Something About Those Pants

**A/N: **A warning to readers: please do not take offense at the direct rip from JK. This is just used to establish the basic magic of her world and carefully mold it into our own. The first few chapters are pretty restless but have their own charm and quirks spread throughout. If you lose interest in the story, please continue reading until Chapter four, (when the real idea behind our story comes into play), if then you're unsatisfied, then feel free to disregard and avoid this story forever (only occasionally coming back to see where its heading, every once in a while). But hey, who are we to say, its up to you. 

Read and review we await your response.

MT Froste,

Froste Twins

-CHAPTER ONE-

**Something About Those Pants **

Harry Potter sighed frustrated at both himself and his snowy white owl Hedwig. Her continuous screeching made it too hard for Harry to continue. He switched off the torch, pulled up his pants and climbed out from under the sheets. He walked over to her cage and started to stroke her head.

"Now Hedwig, you know I'm not allowed to let you out. If Uncle Vernon ever caught us at it again…" She screeched her reply and moved to the other side of the cage to sulk.

Fed up, Harry decided to go downstairs. As he walked in to the kitchen his rather obese cousin, Dudley gave him a shove in the back. Harry noticed his Aunt Petunia frantically cooking food and icing a four-layer sponge cake. Harry moved through into the living room where Uncle Vernon was fixing his tie.

"Everyone! Come here!" he yelled in his deep tone. Aunt Petunia and Dudley came running in also adjusting their clothes.

"Now," said Uncle Vernon looking around at them all. "We are having some very important visitors about my new and improved multi-function 'drills'." He raised his hands and made quotation mark gestures with his fingers on the word drills.

"Now, lets go through this again. Petunia-"

"I'll be in the living room waiting to welcome them graciously to our home."

Uncle Vernon smiled at his wife, "and Dudley?"

"I will be at the door waiting to take their coats."

"Excellent," Uncle Vernon turned, his eyes narrowing and placed one hand on his hip. "And you?" he asked coldly.

"I'll be in my room making no noise at all and pretending I don't exist." Harry glared back at Uncle Vernon and noticed that his right eye was twitching. In fact, the whole right side of his body was. Harry followed the movement down, past the bulging stomach. His eyes rested upon his uncle's hand, which seemed to be scratching rather vigorously at his crotch.

Harry's eyes widened, it was almost mesmerizing.

"What are you looking at boy?" Vernon barked, absent mindedly still scratching. "Well what are you waiting for, get in your room, they'll be here any second!"

Sure enough as Harry trudged up the stairs the doorbell rang.

When Harry pushed open the door of his tiny bedroom he tried not to scream. There on his bed was a little creature with bat like ears and green eyes the size of tennis balls.

"Harry Potter! I have been ever so excited of meeting you!"

Harry was startled, how did this thing know his name? He moved forward and asked, "Who are you and what are you doing in my bedroom?" Harry could hear the Dursleys' voices coming up the stairs and down the hall, he was sure they would hear the creature's loud high-pitched voice.

"I am Dobby sir, Dobby the house-elf! I am here to warn you" Dobby climbed off the bed.

"Warn me of what?" Harry was still getting over his initial shock but before he could fully recover Dobby threw himself at Harry's legs. Before Harry knew what was going on, his pants were around his ankles and he felt a weird sensation down below. He looked down and was horrified to see Dobby's head between his legs. Harry quickly decided that whatever Dobby was doing was wrong. He grasped the house-elf and dragged him off.

"What are you doing?"

Dobby raised a hand and wiped his mouth, "I am sorry sir, it's just that Dobby thought that Harry would enjoy that. All of Dobby's masters do"

"Well, don't! Anyway what do you have to warn me about?" asked Harry quickly changing the subject and blushing, slightly embarrassed.

"Hang on…" Dobby picked up the lampshade and began to beat the shit out of it in a certain area of his body. "There. I'm sorry sir; Dobby almost spoke ill of his family sir. But anyway Dobby has to warn Harry Potter; Dobby must protect Harry Potter. Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this year. There is a plot, a plot to make the most terribly things happen-"

"What terrible things? Who's plotting them?

"Can't say…" Dobby screwed up his face. He looked almost constipated. He began to have a fit. The constipation was too much!

"Alright, alright, I understand you can't say!"

Dobby reached for the lampshade and started pleasuring himself again. As you should know- causing one's self pleasure as a house-elf is the most severe form of punishment.

A sudden silence fell downstairs. Two seconds later Harry, heart thudding madly, heard Uncle Vernon coming into the hall calling, "Dudley must have his television on again, little tyke!"

"Quick in the wardrobe," hissed Harry stuffing Dobby in, shutting the door and flinging himself onto the bed just as the door handle turned.

Uncle Vernon entered the room to discover Harry lying on his bed in a rather familiar position. Harry was laying side on with one leg bent and a hand raised supporting his head. His other hand was clutching loosely at his crotch. There was a provocative twinkle in his eyes…

"What the devil are you doing up here?" Uncle Vernon said through gritted teeth. "You've just ruined the punch-line of my Japanese golfer joke!"

"Sorry," Harry got to his feet, his pants still around his ankles.

"One more sound and you'll wish you'd never been born, boy! And do something about those pants!" continued Uncle Vernon, glancing down at Harry.

"Yes sir, sorry sir."

Uncle Vernon stomped flat-footed from the room.

Shaking, Harry pulled his pants up and let Dobby out of the cupboard.

"See what it's like here?"

"Oh Dobby knows how Harry Potter feels!"

"I don't understand, why can't I go back to Hogwarts? Has Dumbledore sent you?" Harry was so confused.

"Oh no Harry Potter! I came on my own accord sir."

"Well you can't stop me Dobby! I am going back to Hogwarts- it's my home! I'd rather go there than stay here!"

"No Harry Potter! You must listen to me! You will be in grave danger if you return!"

"NO Dobby, I will board the train on the 1st of September and you can't stop me- Faggot!" Harry was going red in the face, he was trying hard not to yell.

"I'm afraid you've left me no choice sir!" Dobby ran to Harry's door and reached up and opened it. He scampered down the stairs and into the hall. Harry followed him as quickly and quietly as he could, his heart racing.

Harry reached the bottom of the stairs and turned the corner to see Dobby turn left into the kitchen. His stomach did a back flip, Uncle Vernon! Harry snuck through to the kitchen. On the bench was the huge iced four-layer sponge cake Aunt Petunia had baked for the guests, and Dobby was crouched behind the oven raising his gnarly hands and looking intently at the cake.

He realized what was happening too late. Dobby muttered a spell under his breath and the giant cake lifted into the air. It hovered and started moving around the corner and into the lounge. Harry rushed forward to grab the cake and almost had it before his arm started having a spasm. It went through his arm, down through his body and down to his legs. He collapsed on the floor in a full-blown seizure. His back down went stiff and his eyes were glazed over- his whole body was shaking violently and he started frothing at the mouth.

The sponge dropped on top of Mrs Mason's head. She shrieked at the top of her voice! Everyone turned and looked at Harry convulsing on the floor. He started to grab at his crotch and mutter under his breath. The convulsions subsided and Harry sat up. He curled his legs in and sat on the carpet rocking back and forth muttering, "Fuck me, hard, soft, fuck me…" Still foaming at the mouth. His eyes now had red pupils and green glowing rings around them.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, it's my nephew he's terribly disturbed, meeting new people makes him anxious. He goes to St Brutus's School for the Criminally Insane. Ah…oh well, get this cake off…"

Harry started to come to. He shook his head and simply got up and walked upstairs. Dobby snapped his fingers and disappeared…


	2. Browny Locks & The Three Rangas

**A/N:** Same chapter, but we finally got round to putting the name up, so here you go. Until next time. Froste.

-CHAPTER TWO-

**Brownylocks and the Three Rangas**

Harry lay with his head in his pillow, crying. It was the next day and the reality of last night's events had finally set in. After another few minutes of listening to non-stop apologies, the Masons had left with looks of utter disgust on their faces. As soon as Uncle Vernon shut the front door with a last- "I'm so dreadfully sorry"- he turned on Harry.

Harry had never seen anything like it in his life, Uncle Vernon had turned ruby red, veins seemed to be erupting all over his face.

"You complete DICKHEAD! You've ruined the deal of a lifetime! What the bloody hell we're you fucking thinking!"

Harry's face was slowly being plastered with saliva as Uncle Vernon screamed each word at him. Over the years he had noticed the angrier his uncle grew, the more he swore and this was a classic example. It was times like these when Harry tuned out. He would stare blankly at Uncle Vernon and occasionally nod. It was times like these when Harry would go to his happy place…

It was a place of magic and mystery. A place where he never knew what was going to happen next. This time when Harry arrived he was sitting on a large bed in a dimly lit room. A slow romantic tune was playing in the background.

Harry looked down at the bed he was on. The sheets were purple- his favourite colour- and made of silk, five plump pillows supported his back and had his initials, HP, sewn into them with lace. The top of the bed had been sprinkled with rose petals.

Harry looked around the room, he couldn't see much, the candles weren't giving off enough light.

"Harry, here at last, I see," Ron rose from his chair out of the shadows. Harry was shocked to see he was wearing nothing but a dressing gown. "Vernon giving you a hard time again?" Ron asked crossing the room and sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Don't worry, I can take your mind off things." Ron snaked his hand across the rose petals and gave Harry's leg a squeeze.

Harry pulled his leg quickly out of Ron's reach. What was his friend doing?

Ron merely smiled back at him. "There's no point trying to fight it Harry…"

Ron rose from the bed and stood in front of Harry. He reached for the tie on the dressing gown and began undoing it.

Harry's eyes widened and his heart began to beat faster. This was all too much. He began to feel uneasy. Ron had now managed to undo the tie and was pulling the dressing gown open.

Harry shut his eyes tight, as he heard the gown drop to the floor.

Ron laughed, "Don't try and fight it Harry, you know it has to be this way."

In his head Harry knew it was true. Ron was right, he couldn't fight it. He began to slowly open his eyes…

"YOU HEAR ME! YOU'RE NOT GOING BACK TO THAT BLOODY SCHOOL! EVER! IF YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN MY FUCKING LIFE, THEN I'M GOING TO DO THE SAME TO THE PIECE OF SHIT YOU CALL YOURS!"

Harry frowned, "wh…what?"

"I said," Uncle Vernon had dropped his voice to a whisper, a smile dancing across his lips, "You are not going back to that school for as long as I live." He gave a satisfied nod and slammed the door to Harry's room.

Harry lifted his head from the soggy pillow and wiped his eyes. He climbed off the bed and sat down in front of the window. He wondered if he'd ever see Ron or Hogwarts again.

Just then as he was studying his desktop he heard a soft tapping on the window. He looked up and to his delight he saw Ron's face was looking into his. Harry's heart skipped a beat and his stomach lurched. He did not know why this was happening he'd never felt this way about another person before, let alone his best friend. Seeing him again made new feelings come to the surface. Harry wasn't entirely sure of these feelings.

"Ron!" breathed Harry moving even closer to the window. He slowly raised his hand up to the window pane- Ron raised his. They shared a moment of intimacy, their hands touching only separated by glass. They stared into each other's eyes for a mere few seconds until…

"Now, now boys, save the mushy crap for later, we've gotta get the hell outta here!" Fred, one of Ron's elder twin brothers called from the front seat of a turquoise Ford Anglia parked in mid air outside Harry's window. Ron was leaning out the back window of the car. Harry looked at him, his ranga locks blowing in the breeze, his light blue eyes sparkling, his mouth fell open, as the full impact of what he was seeing hit him.

"Why Harry?" Ron spoke softly, his voice still breaking.

"What…?" Harry was still fantasizing.

"Why haven't you replied to my letters? I wrote to you every day!"

"I wasn't getting my mail- long story."

"Well, do you wanna get in or not?" George, Ron's other older brother called from the front passenger seat.

"Yeah, I'll just get my trunk." Replied Harry, finding it hard to rip his eyes away from Ron. Harry returned five minutes later with a packed Hogwarts trunk and Hedwig. Fred and George had managed to remove the bars on the window. Ron helped him move his trunk into the car . He was so strong and muscly- he could feel another fantasy coming on- No, not now, he told himself, Later!

He lifted himself onto the windowsill and grasped Ron's out stretched hand, his skin was ever so soft to the touch.

Harry blushed as Ron pulled him gracefully into the backseat alongside him.

"All right back there?" called Fred.

"Course they are, let's go," answered George. Fred revved the engine and off they flew.

"By the way," said Ron, looking into Harry's eyes, "Happy Birthday Harry!" Ron grinned; Harry felt something squeezing his leg. He looked down- it was Ron's hand.


	3. A Dirty Clock

**A/N: **Lack of reviews is queling our hopes. In the beginning we didn't want this to effect us, but we're slightly disapointed, a tad miffed. We appologise if you're not happy with the standard we are writing at and we do realise that most of it is direct copyright infringment on JK and Bloomsbury Publishing. We appologise again. But we would like to inform you we wrote this story for other purposes from this site. (not our own personal pleasure...we hope.) Anywho, we'd really like it if you review, becos right now we aren't feeling to good about ourselves. lol, so even it's in pity of our humiliating grovelling, REVIEW dear readers. -Froste

-CHAPTER THREE-

**A Dirty Clock **

In more ways than one…(fine print)

It was a long drive, Harry kept himself amused by looking at Ron every five seconds; he caught Ron looking at him sometimes. They usually just grinned and looked away, embarrassed. Eventually at dawn Fred pulled the car into the Ron's driveway. The house was odd looking. It looked as though it had once been a large stone pigsty, but extra bedrooms had been added here and there until it was several stories high and so crooked it looked as though it was held up by magic.

"Its brilliant!" breathed Harry.

"Its not much…but its home." Ron said looking sheepishly at Harry.

"Well I love it!" Harry shouted.

"You love what?" yelled George from the front seat of the car.

"…uh, he said he loves our house." Ron said carefully, studying Harry's face.

They exited the car and carried Harry's trunk through the front door of the house. Next to the door in the garden was a handmade sign saying "The Burrow". As Harry entered the house the warmth flooded over him. There was magic everywhere. The frying pan was in the sink was cleaning itself, knitting needles were knitting a scarf in mid air and there was a rather peculiar looking grandfather clock in the corner. There was crap everywhere- but Harry, was too mesmerized by the magic to notice. It was only Hedwig's persistent screeching that bought him back to the real world.

"Oh shut up! I'm coming." Harry moved over towards her cage but was distracted by the sound of hurried footsteps from upstairs. He turned to see Mrs Weasley-

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!" she screamed.

"S…sorry Mum-"

"BEDS EMPTY, NO NOTE, CAR GONE! YOU COULD'VE BEEN KILLED. We never had trouble like this with Bill or Charlie. You should take a leaf out of Percy's book."

At that moment Percy entered the room and smiled at Harry, he nodded, "Harry." He then made his way through the jumble of crap filling the room to the window where his owl Errol was waiting. He took a black wrapped package from the bird and ripped it open- "Excellent," he breathed eyes widening. Harry caught a glimpse of bare feminine skin. Percy looked over at him. A look of alarm crossed his face, he quickly rolled the magazine up.

"Ah…I'm going to my room, to, ah, do something, yes something…" He sprinted back up the stairs.

"What's he doing up there all day?" asked Fred, a confused look on his face.

"You'll know in all good time, son." Said Mrs Weasley, smiling fondly at the place where Percy had just been. "Now, Harry we don't usually get visitors this early, so I'm sorry you have to see me this way-" Mrs Weasley was naked. Completely naked- Harry had not really taken much notice of the state Mrs Weasley was in. He had been mesmerized by Ron's house. It was only now that she had drawn attention to it Harry had become disturbed.

"Ron, I told you! I'm not usually one to get dressed before ten- next time a bit of warning before you bring your little friends around. I apologize Harry." Harry was now completely put off women- though he was never really into them in the first place.

"Come dear! Have some breakfast." She led Harry to the scrubbed wooden table. Harry looked up at the grandfather clock in the corner. It had no numbers written on it at all- just things like "at school, at work, home" and one rather obscured phrase covered in dust that Harry could not make out. Each member of the family had an individual hand with their photo on it. They were all pointing to home except Mr Weasley's, which was pointing to "work" and Percy's, which was pointing to the obscured word. Harry stood up and went closer to the clock. He squinted at the word. He was raising his hand to wipe the dust off the clock when Mrs Weasley called, "Breakfast is ready! Come along Harry aren't you hungry?"

Harry sat down at the table. Ron, Fred and George had joined him. Mrs Weasley was busying herself serving up the pancakes and orange juice. The sound of footsteps on the stairs made Harry turn his head. To his surprise it was not Percy but Ron's younger sister Ginny whom he had met the previous year before boarding the Hogwarts express.

"Good morning Ginny! Come and have some breakfast dear!" Mrs Weasley put a plate in front of an empty chair for Ginny. Ginny made her way down the stairs and made to walk across the room when she looked up and saw Harry looking at her. She gave a small squeal and ran back up the stairs.

"Ginny," said Ron bitterly, " My sister. She's been talking about you all summer."

"Yeah, she'll be wanting your autograph Harry," grinned Fred, but he caught his mother's eye and bent his face over his plate without another word. Harry thought he heard Ron mutter, "He's mine bitch." under his breath but swore he was imagining things.

"Blimey I'm tired, I think we'll just go up to bed…." George's sentence trailed off when he saw the look his mother was giving him.

"NO YOU WILL NOT! YOU WILL ALL BE HELPING DE-GNOME THE GARDEN! Not you Harry dear, you can go up to bed you didn't ask them to fly that car," Mrs Weasley said.

"Oh, its ok, I've never seen a de-gnoming before."

"That's sweet of you, but its dull work," Mrs Weasley added kindly. She pulled a huge book from the stack on the mantelpiece. A piece of paper fluttered to the ground as Mrs Weasley pulled it out- Harry caught a glimpse of a naked man with long blonde hair and huge muscles. He saw the faint letters- Lockhart- written in the corner. He thought he saw a lipstick mark but Mrs Weasley hurriedly picked up the paper and stuffed it back into the pile. "Oh, how did that get there?" she said flustered. The title of the huge book was "Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to House Hold Pests." There was a photo on the front of a very good-looking wizard with wavy blonde hair and bright blue eyes- the same man from the piece of paper.

"Oh, he is marvelous," Mrs Weasley beamed down at the photo.

"Mum fancies him," said Fred in a very audible whisper.

"Don't be so ridiculous Fred!" Mrs Weasley's cheeks were rather pink. "Just take this and get on with it!" She handed George the book.

Grumbling, the Weasleys slouched outside with Harry behind them. The garden was large and in Harry's eyes exactly what a garden should be.

"We have garden gnomes too, you know in my world," said Harry hoping to impress Ron.

"Yeah, I've seen those things you think are gnomes," said Ron, feeling around for something in a bush. "Like fat little Father Christmases with fishing rods…" Harry had failed to impress, he sniffed trying to keep back the tears. Ron looked up and saw he had upset his 'friend' he gave Harry an apologetic smile. Harry's heart leapt.

There was a violent scuffling noise, the bush Ron was feeling shuddered and Ron straightened up. "This is a gnome," he said grimly.

Ron was holding a small leathery creature with a baldhead like a potato. Harry took note that Ron was holding it by it's rather knobbly penis. The small creature began to kick and scream.

"This is what you have to do," said Ron. He raised the gnome above his head and began to swing it in great circle like a lasso. Seeing the shocked look on Harry's face, Ron added, "Don't worry Harry, it doesn't hurt them." Ron suddenly let go of the gnome and Harry watched it go flying 20ft into the air and land with a sharp thud in the field over the fence.

"Pitiful," said Fred, "you throw like a girl Ron. Bet I can get mine beyond that stump."

Harry learned quickly not to feel too sorry for the gnomes, he also found he rather enjoyed touching them…

The air was soon thick with flying gnomes and eventually the crowd of gnomes in the field started walking away, looking almost drunk.

"They'll be back," said Ron. "They love it here…Dad's too soft with them, he thinks they're funny."

Just then the front door slammed.

"Dad's home!" said George.

Back inside the house, Harry and the Weasley boys found Mr Weasley slumped in a kitchen chair with his glasses off and eyes closed. He was a thin man, going bald, but the little hair he had was as red as any of his children's.

Mrs Weasley rushed into the room. "Arthur yours sons took that bloody flying car and flew all the way to Harry's house and back last night-"

"Harry?" said Mr Weasley blankly. "Harry who?" he looked around saw Harry and jumped.

"Good Lord, Harry Potter! Very pleased to meet you, Ron's told us so much about you, never shuts up really, its near tiresome with both him _and_ Ginny, you're all we ever hear-"

"ARTHUR, get back to the point"

"Oh right, sorry, so boys you flew the car did you? How did it go? I-I mean…" he faltered, "That- that was very wrong boys, very wrong indeed."

"C'mon," said Ron, "We'll leave them to it. I'll show you my bedroom."

They slipped out of the kitchen and up the stairs. After three flights they reached a door with peeling paint and a small plaque on it saying 'Ronald's Room.'

Harry stepped in, his head almost touching the ceiling. Nearly everything in the room seemed to be a violent shade of orange. Then Harry realized Ron had covered every inch of his scabby wallpaper with posters of the same witches and wizards, all wearing bright orange robes, carrying broomsticks and waving energetically.

"Your Quiddich team?" asked Harry.

"The Chuddley Cannons," said Ron, pointing at the orange bedspread, which was emblazoned with two giant C's and a speeding cannonball.

"Ninth in the league."

Harry stepped over a pile of what looked to be photos of himself, half shoved under a box. He went to the window where Scabbers was sleeping, and watched as far below a gang of gnomes snuck one by one back into the Weasley's yard. Then he turned to look at Ron, who was watching him almost nervously, as though waiting for his opinion.

"It's a bit small," said Ron quickly, "Not like that room you had with the muggles. And I'm right underneath the ghoul in the attic, he bangs pipes and moans…"

But Harry, grinning widely said, "This is the best house I've ever been in." Ron's ears went pink.

**A/N: **Hope you enjoyed. Still more to come, six months bloody hard slog, to come.Curious to know what everyone thinks of it. Are we butchers for destroying the greatest story of all time? Hey, that'd be title we'd be willing to hold...'Butchers of the Greatest Story of All Time' has a kind of ring to it. So we'd love to know what you think and we'll take the insultsas freely as the rest.

Until next time,

The Froste Twins.


	4. Pleasurable Desires

-CHAPTER FOUR-

**_Borgin and Burke's Pleasurable Desires _**

Life at the Burrow was as different as possible from that at Private Drive. The Weasley's house burst with the strange and unexpected. What Harry found most unusual was the fact that everyone there seemed to like him.

Mr Weasley especially was always bombarding him with questions.

"Fascinating!" he would say, as Harry talked him through the function of a vibrator. "Ingenious, really how many ways Muggles have found of getting it off without magic."

The afternoon of receiving their Hogwarts letters, Harry, Ron, Fred, and George went up the hill to a small paddock the Weasley's owned. It was surrounded by trees that blocked it from view of the village below, meaning they could practice Quiddich there.

They had asked Percy if he wanted to join them, but he had said he too busy- Harry had only seen Percy at meal times so far; he stayed shut in his room the rest of the time.

"Wish I knew what he was up to," said Fred frowning.

The best part of the afternoon Harry thought had definitely been when he asked Ron if he wanted to have a go on his Nimbus Two Thousand. Ron had stared at him wide-eyes for a good two minutes before he gave a huge grin and flung his arms around Harry.

The next morning Mrs Weasley woke them all early. After a quick breakfast they all pulled on their coats and Mrs Weasley took a bathroom deodorant aerosol can out of the cupboard.

"Guests first," she said offering the aerosol can to Harry. "After you, Harry dear."

Harry stared at them all watching him. Ron frowned.

"W-what am I supposed to do?" he stammered.

"He's never travelled by Loo-Sniffer!" said Ron suddenly. "Sorry Harry, I forgot."

"Well then, George, show Harry how it's done." Mrs Weasley demanded hurriedly.

"Ok Harry, watch us first!" George picked up the can and stepped up to the Weasleys' toilet. He put one foot in the toilet and placed the nozzle of the can right up to his nose. He sprayed the can and quickly inhaled the fumes. His pupils grew larger and glazed over. He shouted loudly, 'Diagon Alley!' at the same time he flushed the toilet and disappeared in a gush of water. Fred did the same, so did Mr Weasley.

"Your turn now Harry dear. Make sure you speak clearly. We don't want you turning up in the wrong U-bend,"

"The wrong what?" said Harry nervously, as the toilet refilled.

"Well, there are an awful lot of wizard toilets to choose from, you know, but as long as you've spoken clearly. Also make sure to really inhale the aerosol, it is what powers you through the pipes."

"He'll be fine mum!" Ron was looking slightly worried though. "Keep your elbows in Harry." Ron advised.

"And your eyes shut," said Mrs Weasley, "The shit-"

Trying hard to bear all this in mind, Harry took the Loo-Sniffer aerosol can and walked over to put his foot in the toilet. He put the can up to his nostril, sprayed it and inhaled deeply. The effect was instant. Harry felt as though someone had just stabbed a foot long butchers knife up his nose and into his brain. He felt his head go light and his vision blurred. He fumbled around for the flush button and eventually pushed it. All of a sudden he felt coldness close in on his body.

"D-D-Dia-gon Alley!" he screamed. Everything whirled, he tried to keep his eyes open but the whirl of brown shit made him feel sick...something knocked his elbow and he pulled it in tight, still spinning and spinning…now it felt as though cold hands were slapping face…squinting trough his glasses he saw a blurred stream of toilet bowls and snatched glimpses of the bathrooms beyond. This was the most peculiar and fowl means of travel Harry had ever used. All of a sudden he was thrown out of a toilet bowl and into a grimy little bathroom. His glasses were smashed but he was as dry as a bone.

Dizzy and bruised he got to his feet, he squinted through his glasses. He fumbled around for the door to the bathroom and opened it with a creak. On the other side was a large dimly lit wizard's shop- but nothing in here was ever likely to be on the Hogwarts School list.

A glass case nearby held a black lace piece of women's underwear. Harry frowned at the many pictures of naked wizards and witches on the walls. He did a double take when he saw a young redheaded boy on the far wall. On his second glimpse he was incredibly disappointed to see that it was not Ron, but a random wizard he had never seen before. Where was he? He looked over towards the door and read backwards through the glass the letters painted on the window. 'Borgin and Burkes Pleasurable Desires' was the name of the shop and was definitely not in Diagon Alley. Weird funny shaped and coloured objects hung from the ceiling. The back wall behind the counter was loaded with tonics, magazines in black covers and weird substances in tubes and tubs. The sooner he got out of here the better. Nose still stinging where he had hit the floor, Harry made his way swiftly and silently towards the door, but before he got halfway, two people appeared on the other side of the glass- and one of them was the very last person Harry wanted to meet when he was lost in a strange shop with posters of naked people hanging on the walls (some of the posters had two or three people on them, doing something strange that Harry was unsure of). It was Draco Malfoy.

Harry looked quickly around and spotted a large pink, plastic thing nearby. He could've sworn it looked awfully like a giant penis, but decided it couldn't be, it couldn't possibly be a giant model penis, what sort of perverted shop would have those kinds of things in it? He ran behind it anyway, whatever it was and peered out from behind it. Seconds later, a bell clanged, and Malfoy stepped into the shop.

The man who followed could only be his father. He had the same pale, pointed face and identical cold grey eyes. Mr Malfoy crossed the shop, looking lazily at the items on display, and rang a bell on the counter before turning to his son and saying, "Touch nothing, Draco."

Malfoy, who had reached for the fluffy handcuffs, said, "I thought you were going to buy me a present."

"No son, you will get these sort of presents in all due time. However I will buy you a racing broom…Ah Mr Borgin."

A stooping man had appeared from behind the counter, smoothing his greasy hair back from his face.

"Mr Malfoy, what a pleasure to see you again," said Mr Borgin his voice as oily as his hair. "Delighted- and young Master Malfoy too- charmed. How may I be of assistance? I must show, just in today, and very reasonably priced-."

"I'm not buying today, Mr Borgin, but selling," said Mr Malfoy.

"Selling?" The smile gleamed on Mr Borgin's face.

"You have heard, of course, that the Ministry is conducting more raids," said Mr Malfoy taking a roll of parchment from his inside pocket. "I have a few-ah- items at home that might embarrass me, if the Ministry were to call…"

They haggled over prices for a few minutes; Draco was getting closer and closer to Harry's giant penis…. his hiding place that is.

"Good day to you Mr Borgin, I'll expect to see you at the manor tomorrow to pick up the…er...(cough) goods…. Come Draco!"

Harry waited for Mr Borgin to disappear into the back room and then quietly he slipped out of the shop door.

Clutching his broken glasses to his face he stared around. The place he had emerged into was a dingy alleyway that seemed to be made up entirely of shops devoted to a thing called 'porn'. Almost every shop had the strange new word in the title. Feeling jumpy, Harry set off, trying to hold his glasses on straight and hoping against hope he'd be able to find a way out of here.

An old wooden street sign hanging over a shop selling 'naughty toys' told him he was in 'Knocked Up Alley'. He supposed he hadn't spoken clearly enough through his brain filled of solvent back in the Weasleys' bathroom. Trying to stay calm he wondered what to do.

"Not lost are you sexy?" said a voice in his ear making him jump.

A young witch stood in front of him wearing black lace underwear, fishnet stockings, knee high boots, black make up and in her hand she carried a whip. She blew him a kiss and smiled seductively. Harry backed away.

"I'm fine thanks," he said. "I'm just-"

"HARRY! What d'yeh think yer doin' down there?" Harry's heart leapt. The witch fled when she saw the massive form of Hagrid, the Hogwarts Gamekeeper, his beetle black eyes flashing over his great bristling beard.

"Hagrid!" Harry croaked in relief, "I was lost… Loo-Sniffer…"

"Yer a mess!" said Hagrid gruffly, he had steered them right into Diagon Alley.

"Skulkin' around Knocked Up Alley, I dunno- dodgy place, Harry- Don' want no one ter see yeh down there."

"I was lost- what were you doing down there anyway?" Harry asked.

"I was getting the Headmaster's order." Hagrid indicated the pile of black wrapped magazines in his arms. "Yer not on your own?" Hagrid asked.

"I'm staying with the Weasleys but we got separated," Harry explained. "I've got to find them…"

They set off down the street together.

"Harry! Harry! Over Here!"

Harry looked up from explaining his holiday woes to Hagrid and saw Hermione Granger standing at the top of the white flight of steps to Gringotts. She ran down to meet them, her bushy brown hair flying behind her.

"Hello, Hagrid, oh, it's wonderful to see you two again!" She gave Harry a quick hug and smiled at Hagrid. As Harry felt Hermione press herself against him a familiar feeling came over him, one that he had only ever felt around one other person…it couldn't be right…could it? Hermione interrupted his trail of thought.

"Are you coming into Gringotts Harry?"

"As soon as I've found the Weasleys."

"Yeh won't have to wait long," grinned Hagrid.

Harry and Hermione turned to see five ranga heads pushing their way through the crowded street. Ron was first to notice them, his eyes lit up and he broke into a sprint.

"Oh Harry, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?"

"I'm fine Ron. Don't worry its not your fault I suck at using Loo-Sniffer." Ron didn't seem convinced.

Fred, George, Percy and Mr Weasley came running up behind Ron.

"Harry," Mr Weasley panted. " We'd hoped you'd only gone one loo too far… Molly's frantic… she'll be here in a minute. It's the weight you see, just can't seem to keep up…"

"Where did you come out?" Ron asked.

"Knocked Up Alley." Said Hagrid, smiling to himself.

"Brilliant!" said Percy. "We've never been allowed in," he said enviously.

"Too right you ain't. Well, gotta be off. Here comes Molly now. See you at Hogwarts." Said Hagrid waving.

Mrs Weasley appeared red faced and sweaty with Ginny at her side. She sat down on a step clutching at her chest and breathing heavily. Harry had never been more turned off in his life as he watched the rolls of fat jiggle after every breath out. He shuddered and turned away in disgust.

"Guess who I saw in Borgin and Burkes?" Harry asked Ron and Hermione as they climbed the Gringotts steps. "Malfoy and his father."

"Did Lucius buy anything?" Mr Weasley asked curiously, behind them.

"No, he was selling."

"So, he's worried," said Mr Weasley with a grin of satisfaction. "Oh I'd love to get it off with Lu- I mean," he said glancing at Harry, Hermione and Ron's frowns. "I mean I'd love to get him for something. I'd give anything just to see if what he's got is better than mine…" he closed his eyes and smiled to himself.

"You be careful Arthur," said Mrs Weasley sharply, "That family's trouble. Don't go poking around just for fun."

"So you don't think I'm a match for Lucius Malfoy?" he snapped, glaring at his wife. The anger faded, "Well he is very striking in his appearance…" Mr Weasley trailed off and began to smile to himself again.

After collecting their money Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys went to buy their books at Flourish and Blotts. On the door of the crowded shop was a large sign reading:

Gilderoy Lockhart 

Will be signing copies of his autobiography

_Magical Me:_

_A Life of Mischief…_

…_In the bedroom._

Today 12.30 – 4.30pm 

"We can actually meet him!" squealed Mrs Weasley. "Out of my way boys-" she pushed Harry and Ron aside "-I'm going in!" She opened the door and the sound of screaming excited women filled the air. Mrs Weasley grabbed the lady closest to her by the hair and flung her to the floor, the next was pushed in the back, a third punched in the face- "Out of my way, bitch!"

"That's my girl," laughed Mr Weasley. The rest of them squeezed through the door. They could see a hand waving at them from the front of the crowd. It took a good minute or two to reach Mrs Weasley although a nice path had been cleared. Harry couldn't help but look apologetically at the women on the floor who were now being stepped on.

"Oh, there you are, good," said Mrs Weasley, she sounded breathless and was nursing a bloodied fist. "We'll be able to see him in a minute…"

Gilderoy Lockhart came slowly into view. He looked just as he had in Mrs Weasley's photo except this time he was clothed.

A short irritable man was dancing around taking photographs. "Out of my way!" he snarled at Ron.

"Don't you talk to him like that!" yelled Harry unable to control himself.

"Harry, please-" whispered Ron.

"No Ron, I'm not gonna stand by and let some one talk to you that way!"

Gilderoy Lockhart looked up to see why the crowd's attention had been drawn away from himself. He saw Harry and stared, "It can't be, " he shouted, "HARRY POTTER!"

The crowd parted whispering excitedly. Lockhart dived forward and pulled him to the front. The crowd burst into applause. The photographer rushed forward.

"Nice big smile Harry," said Lockhart through gleaming teeth and still holding Harry's hand. "Together you and I are worth the front page."

When he finally let go of his hand, Harry tried to walk quickly back to Ron (who was looking extremely annoyed at how close Lockhart was to Harry at this moment in time) but Lockhart threw his arm around his shoulders and clamped him to his side.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said loudly, waving for quiet. Harry suddenly stood bolt upright- something was touching his arse. Lockhart's hand was touching-no, SQUEEZING, his, HARRY'S, ARSE!

As Lockhart continued on with his speech, Harry could not listen to a word; he was oblivious to everything except the movement of Lockhart's hand. He stared at the floor in front of him, breathing nervously as he felt the hand feel it's way up to the top of his pants. Lockhart's voice continued talking to the crowd as though nothing was happening. The pants were pulled open, Harry swallowed, biting his lip, the hand crept inside. His heart began to pound violently in his chest. He looked over to Ron for help, but Ron didn't seem to be paying attention. The hand gave his arse a tight squeeze and made its way down the leg to which it began to rub.

The crowd applauded again and the hand was whipped out.

"See you at school Harry," Lockhart whispered in his ear, his voice low and seductive.

Harry's heart stopped- "What?"

"Weren't you listening?" asked Lockhart his blue eyes flashing. "I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Now off you run, your friends are waiting," He gave Harry a gentle push back into the crowd.

"Harry what's wrong? You're really white and you're…_you're shaking!_ Harry? Are you all right?"

"I think he needs some air Ron, c'mon lets get him outside. You can tell us out there Harry," said Hermione. Together she and Ron led Harry back through the crowd but were stopped by some one at the door.

"Bet you loved that, didn't you Potter? Famous Harry Potter, can't even go into a book-shop without making the front page."

Harry straightened up and found himself face to face with Draco Malfoy. Malfoy stepped closer, "I saw where his hands were, Harry," he whispered in a worried voice, his eyes looked different: not their usual cold, grey and secretive, on the contrary they were alive and searching, almost concerned. He blinked suddenly as though coming back to reality and raised his voice "got yourself a boyfriend have we?" He stepped back, laughed and raised his eyebrows to Ron's confused stare. "Ooh watch out, looks like Weasley's jealous!"

Ron dropped his books and leapt at Malfoy.

"NO!" yelled Harry, throwing himself between them.

"See Weasley, Potter knows you can't take me on."

Ron looked from Harry to Malfoy, fuming.

"Ron!" said Mr Weasley struggling over with Fred and George. "What are you doing? It's mad in here, let's go outside."

"Well, well, well- Arthur Weasley." Lucius Malfoy stepped into the store and put his hand on his son's shoulder, smirking, "fancy meeting you here…"

"L... L…Lucius," stuttered Mr Weasley going bright red.

"Busy time at the ministry, I hear," said Mr Malfoy. "All those raids…I- GOOD GOD MAN! GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF!"

Mr Weasley had suddenly jumped on top of Lucius, pinning him to the floor and was now passionately kissing him.

"SOME ONE GET HIM OFF ME!" screamed Mr Malfoy, trying to block Mr Weasley from his mouth. Harry and Malfoy each grabbed one of Mr Weasley's arms and with some struggle eventually pulled him off. Lucius got off the floor; he spat and wiped his mouth.

"CHRIST! DON'T YOU EVER COME NEAR ME OR MY FAMILY AGAIN, YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO THE NAME WIZARD!" He looked around the crowded shop and Harry noticed a look of relief cross his face. It seemed the crowd's attention was still on Lockhart and no one had noticed what had just happened. Lucius's eyes narrowed and he glared at Mr Weasley. "Don't even dream of mentioning this again or you won't know what's hit you, Weasley." He spat the final word. He beckoned to Draco and swept from the shop, flattening his long white-blonde hair.

Harry turned to see Mr Weasley staring at the door, beaming. " It was worth it!" he announced brushing his fingers over his lips, "It was definitely worth it!"

**A/N: **Hope you enjoyed our more interesting twist of events, please tell us what you think. We'd love to get a review.

Froste.


	5. First Draco

**A/N: **To our dear readers, we appologise for the major delay in the update we were a little preoccupied (translates to: both stupidly getting into an argument with our father the weekend after posting resulting in being confined to ourquarters for the next month, then sneaking down to find father had convieniently locked the door to the study which houses the computer with the story) But as Freddie said when he knew he was dying- _'the show must go on' _. So we're back and nothing can stop us now (really means: our parents have gone away to Scotland to visit our grandparents for the next month cos it's father's birthday today. Which means there's no one stopping us from coming in here and posting more AND we have the estate all to ourselves for the next month...(both look at each other with evil glimmer in eye, grinning)). Oh life is grand. So let's not waste a minute more...

-CHAPTER FIVE-

_**First Draco Then Who'll It Be -Hermione?**_

The end of the summer holidays came too quickly for Harry's liking. The month at the Burrow had been the happiest of his life. He had spent a month with Ron, what a glorious month it was.

Mrs Weasley cooked a sumptuous dinner and Fred and George provided entertainment on their last evening. The next morning it seemed to take forever to get moving, but eventually they all piled into the old Ford Anglia and took off. They were running very late and arrived at King's Cross at quarter to eleven.

Harry had caught the Hogwarts Express the previous year. The tricky bit was getting onto platform 9 ¾ which wasn't visible to the muggle eye. You had to walk through the barrier between platforms nine and ten. Everyone had had their turn to run at the barrier but Ron and Harry, who were left to last.

"Let's go together." Ron said to Harry. Harry smiled and nodded; they held hands as they pushed their trolleys towards the barrier gathering speed. They broke into a run a few feet away and- CRASH!

Both trolleys hit the barrier and bounced backwards. Ron's trunk fell off with a loud thump, Harry was knocked to the ground and Hedwig's cage bounced onto the shiny floor and she rolled away.

"FUCK!" Harry screamed at the top of his lungs. There was a lot of muttering of 'ADD.' and 'Poor thing has terrets' as Harry pulled himself to his feet groaning. Ron was continually calling the barrier a 'mother fucker' and Harry scrambled to pick up Hedwig.

The crowd cleared and the two boys simultaneously put their hands on their crotches and looked down.

"Its ok, we're ok…" said Ron breathing a sigh of relief as they checked that they had both balls and a dick each.

"Why can't we get through?" Harry asked Ron.

"I dunno."

"Oh shit, we're gonna miss the train!" Harry watched the giant clock. He shoved his trolley angrily against the barrier. The bricks stayed solid.

"It's gone!" said Ron sounding stunned, "The train's left. What if Mum and Dad can't get back through to us? Oh Jesus Christ! What do we do now?" Ron was close to tears.

"It'll be ok, Ron," Harry brushed a tear away from Ron's cheek. He got a funny feeling when he looked into his friend's eyes. He had to be strong for Ron's sake. "I think we should go and wait by the car…" Harry put his arm around Ron's shoulders and led him towards the car park. Ron stopped half way.

"Harry! That's it! The car! We can fly it to Hogwarts!" Ron was smiling with excitement.

"It's illegal," said Harry sensibly.

"Underage wizards are allowed to use magic if it's an emergency."

Harry's feeling of panic turned suddenly to excitement. "Can you fly it?" he asked Ron.

"Yeah, no problem," said Ron wheeling his trolley around.

They got to the car and heaved their heavy trunks into the boot. Ron climbed in the front seat and Harry got in the passengers side. There was a minute where Ron was staring at Harry's crotch. He got very hot and sweaty and undid the top button of his shirt. He quickly snapped out of the daze when Harry coughed very fakely.

"Right…lets get this baby turned on, I mean…lets get it pumping some gas, I mean…oh…fuck it!" he violently waved his wand at the ignition and started the car.

"Anyone watching?" he asked.

"No, go now," said Harry.

Ron pushed a tiny silver button on the dashboard. The car around them vanished- and so did they. Harry could feel the seat vibrating beneath him, he couldn't see Ron but the vibrating was turning him on.

Within seconds the whole of London lay smoky and glittering below them. There was a popping noise and the car, Harry and Ron reappeared.

"Uh oh," said Ron, jabbing at the invisibility booster, "It's faulty." Ron steered the car into the wooly clouds. They dipped back down to check on the train every thirty minutes so they wouldn't get lost. They flew up above the clouds where it was a different world, blazing with sunlight in the blue sky.

"All we've gotta worry about now are aeroplanes," said Ron. They looked at each other and started to laugh, for a long time, they couldn't stop.

It was as though they had been plunged into a fabulous dream. This, thought Harry, was surely the only way to travel: past swirls and turrets of snowy cloud, in a car full of hot bright sunlight, with a fat pack of toffees in the glove compartment, and of course, eight hours alone with Ron. It would give them a chance to have a very important deep and meaningful.

"Hmm, the cheek of Malfoy in Diagon Alley!" Harry laughed. Ron's ears turned pink and he frowned, still staring ahead. There was a moment of tense silence. Harry tried to create more conversation; "You would have bashed him good!"

"YEAH! BUT YOU STOPPED ME! WHY DID YOU DEFEND HIM? I'VE SEEN THE WAY YOU LOOK AT HIM HARRY! I'M NOT AN IDIOT! I BET YOU'D RATHER BE BEST MATES WITH DRACO! INSTEAD YOU PRETEND TO LIKE ME WHEN YOU CAN'T TEAR YOUR EYES OFF FUCKING MALFOY WHENEVER HE'S AROUND!" Ron had an outburst. He almost lost control of the car.

"I DON'T FEEL YOU FEEL THE SAME AS I DO! LIKE SERIOUSLY HARRY! IS IT BECAUSE I'M NOT WORTHY OF THE BOY WHO LIVED? FIRST DRACO THEN WHO WILL IT BE HARRY? HERMIONE?"

"Ron…don't be like that…" Harry put his hand on Ron's leg. Ron quickly brushed it off. His face was dangerously red.

"I don't want to hear it Harry." Ron bitterly uttered. He focused on the direction, which he was driving, and didn't look at Harry again. Harry turned and looked out the side window. Tears silently slipped down his warm cheeks. He had never had a fight quite like this with Ron. Harry was so confused; he didn't know what he felt for Ron. Was it going to end their friendship? Harry's tears continued to spill down his face for most of the journey. It was an incurable pain trying to escape but he did not want to breakdown until he was alone. Ron had a point. Harry was extremely confused about what he felt, and for whom. He had been since the start of the summer. Harry came to the conclusion that he was going to sort out his feelings as soon as he had settled in at school. He had to! If he lost Ron he would have no one…

-------

"Can't be much further, can it?" croaked Harry, hours later still, as the sun started to sink into the floor of the cloud. Harry looked over hopefully at Ron.

Ron kept his focus directly ahead. He heard Harry sniff. He would not look over! He couldn't…not after what he had done. He let out a small sigh. God! He had been so stupid, Harry was his best friend and more and he had done nothing wrong. It had been stupid to even get jealous over Malfoy- whom Harry clearly had no feelings for- let alone tell Harry he was jealous and then to top it all off he'd lost it! Without giving Harry a chance to get a word in. Maybe I am right, he thought, maybe I'm not worthy of being his friend.

He felt a tear form in the corner of his eye. It rose over the lid and began to roll down his cheek. He raised his hand from the steering wheel to wipe it away but some one else got there first.

Harry collected the tear, it didn't matter what he did! No matter how hard he tried, it seemed Ron would hate him forever. He slowly moved his hand away from Ron's soft warm cheek.

"Ron, please forgi-" "Harry, I'm so sor-"

Both boys stopped mid sentence and began to smile. Ron laughed and started stroking Harry's leg. He looked over at his friend, Harry's smiling face looking back at him.

"Harry, what I said before-" he frowned as Harry's eyes began to widen and smile fade. "Harry? What is it?"

"RON STOP, STOP!"

"Harry, I've only just started explaining." Ron caught himself getting suddenly frustrated.

"NO RON! THE CAR! OH MY GOD! THE TREE! WE'RE GONNA HIT THE TREE!" Harry lunged for the steering wheel, but was too late-

CRUNCH!

With an ear splitting bang of metal on wood they hit the thick tree trunk and dropped to the ground with a heavy jolt. Steam was billowing from under the crumpled bonnet; Hedwig was screeching in terror, a golf ball sized lump was throbbing on Harry's head where he had hit the windscreen and to his right Ron let out a blood curdling scream as something smashed into the side of the car.

Ron gasped staring through the windscreen and Harry turned around just in time to see a branch as thick as a python smash through it, showering them both with shards of glass. The tree was attacking them.

"Run for it!" shouted Ron, but was stopped by a branch crashing down on the roof right above him, wedging him between the seat and ceiling.

Harry, who had made it safely out, turned to find his friend cowering in his seat, another branch landing directly on top of him, crushing the frame of the car around him tighter.

"Harry!" he screamed.

But Harry was already there. "Ron, Ron! It's ok!" he yelled swinging open the door. CRACK! The next branch collided with Harry's ribs. He doubled over in agony, wincing. He bit his lip and stood up. He ducked the next limb as it came whistling through the air towards him and climbed into the passengers seat.

"Ron, take my hand!" he cried to his friend. Ron reached his arm through the tangle of metal and firmly grasped Harry's hand. Using all his weight Harry pulled as hard as he could. Ron screamed. "Harry! IT'S NOT WORKING!" But Harry kept pulling despite his friend's pain. Slowly, Ron's body began to squeeze out from its iron prison. He was almost there…Harry pulled harder still. Ron gave one last cry of pain and slipped out from between the mass of metal.

Harry hadn't expected Ron to come free so easily and had been applying a lot of force; the sudden escape sent them both toppling backwards across the lawn and out of the tree's reach. Ron rolled into Harry's lap and blushed.

"You saved me!"

"Yeah, I guess I did," said Harry lying back on the grass and shutting his eyes, Ron still sitting on him.

A sudden rumbling filled the air. Harry sat up. "Ron, the car!" he watched as the car: dented, scratched and steaming rumbled off into the darkness. "We can still catch it!" cried Harry.

"No Harry, it doesn't matter. As long as you're safe, I'll be happy."

"You mean as long as _we're _safe," said Harry, placing his hands on Ron's shoulder.

"Yeah," laughed Ron, doing the same to Harry.

The two boys, Ron still sitting on Harry's lap, sat in the middle of the lawn and, as Harry noted, their faces were extremely close. A strange look appeared in Ron's eyes.

"What is it?" asked Harry grinning.

Ron's smooth reassuring lips on his own was the silent reply. Harry began to tremble, Ron merely pulled him closer. Harry drew back, unsure if he should be letting himself do this.

"It's ok, Harry. I understand if you're not ready." Ron got to his feet, slightly disappointed and went to fetch their trunks, which had been thrown across the lawn.

Harry stayed where he was, the realization of what had just happened dawning in him. He touched his lips, and a shiver sprang through his body. Ron had been so gentle…

"Ron!" he called jumping to his feet and running to his friend. Ron turned and Harry cupped his face in his hands, kissing him swiftly. He stepped back grinning. Ron stepped closer ready for more but Harry stepped back again, "Later," he whispered.

Ron smiled sheepishly. He reached for Harry's hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Well, hello boys," came a voice from behind them. Ron quickly let go of Harry's hand and the two of them spun round. There, his black robes rippling in the breeze, stood Severus Snape.

**A/N:** Bit of a cliff hanger there from the Aussies. Muhahahaha! One of the few good chap endings. Well dear readers please review because elsewise we won't know if you want to read more. So give us a review of what you think and if you want more or not.

We also realise we put this down as a Harry/Draco fic so for those of you hanging out for that do not worry, now that we're at school Draco comes into play (at last), in the next chapter actually... more incentive to review for more.


	6. Snape: A Homophobe?

**A/N: **The beginning of this chapter is pretty much direct rip from the book but with our own added touches, it's amazing how changing just one word can make things sound completely different to their original meaning, in this case we found that very handy. ( we secretly belive J.K. wanted it this way...lol, the old sly dog.) There is also a section in italics which if you don't want to relive ur memories of chamber of secrets you dont have to bother reading becos it is _pure _direct rip with no changes. Other than that - bon appetite!

-CHAPTER SIX-

_**Snape: A Homophobe? **_

Snape was a thin man with sallow skin, a hooked nose and greasy shoulder length hair, and at this moment, he was smiling, in a way that told Harry he had either seen everything or that he and Ron were in very deep trouble. Probably both.

"Follow me," said Snape. Not daring to even look at each other, Harry and Ron followed Snape up the steps into the vast, echoing entrance hall, which was lit by flaming torches. A delicious smell of food was wafting from the great hall, but Snape led them away from the warmth and light, down a narrow staircase that led into the dungeons.

"In!" he said, opening a door halfway down the cold passageway and pointing.

They entered Snape's office shivering. The shadowy walls were lined with shelves of glass jars, in which floated all manner of revolting things, Harry didn't really want to know the name of at the moment. He swore there was a jar with a floating amputated penis. The fireplace was dark and empty and Harry also noted a stack of black wrapped magazines in a pile in the corner. Snape closed the door and turned to look at them.

"So," he said softly, "The train isn't good enough for the famous Harry Potter and his faithful boyfriend Weasley. Wanted to arrive with a _bang_, did we boys?"

"No sir, it was the barrier at King's Cross, it-"

"Silence!" said Snape coldly, "What have you done with the car?"

Ron gulped. This wasn't the first time Snape had given Harry the impression of being able to read minds. But a moment later, he understood, as Snape unrolled today's issue of the _Evening Prophet_.

"You were seen," he hissed, showing them the headline: FLYING FORD ANGLIA MYSTIFIES MUGGLES. He began to read aloud.

"Two muggles in London, convinced they saw an old car flying over the Post Office tower…at noon in Norfolk, Mrs Hetty Bayliss, while hanging out her washing…Mr Angus Fleet, of Peebles, reported to police…six or seven muggles in all. I believe your father works in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office?" he said, looking at Ron and smiling still more nastily. "Dear, dear…his own son…"

Harry felt as though he'd just been walloped in the stomach by one of the mad tree's larger branches. If anyone found out Mr Weasley had bewitched the car…he hadn't thought of that.

"You also sicken me boys. You not only broke hundreds of school rules flying a bewitched car to school and damaging a very valuable tree on the Hogwarts grounds, you also had the cheek to involve yourselves in _gay_ activity! I do not wish to witness anything of that manner EVER again. It is completely disgusting and uncalled for. You boys better sort yourselves out before you do something you regret. And believe me if I ever catch you at it again you WILL regret it. Now, most unfortunately you are

not in my House and the decision to expel you does not rest with me. I shall go and fetch the people who do have that happy power. You will wait here."

Harry and Ron stared at each other, white-faced. They sat in silence for ten minutes until finally Snape returned, with Professor McGonagall. She looked extremely angry, her mouth thin and her gaze steely.

"Explain," she said, and Ron launched into the story, starting with the barrier and the station refusing to let them through. Once she knew everything, except that Mr Weasley owned the car, she gave them a lecture about how they should have sent an owl to notify the teachers instead. Both boys just looked at the floor. When she had finished Ron said in a hopeless voice, "We'll go and get our stuff."

"What are you talking about, Weasley?" barked Professor McGonagall.

"Well, you're expelling us aren't you?" said Ron.

"Not today Mr Weasley, but if you do anything like this again, I will have to." Snape looked as though Christmas had been cancelled.

McGonagall continued looking at the boys with steely eyes, "I will not take points from Gryffindor, however, you will both get a detention."

It was better than Harry had expected. Professor McGonagall raised her wand and pointed it at Snape's desk. A large plate of sandwiches, two silver goblets and a jug of iced pumpkin juice appeared.

"You will eat here and then go straight up to your dormitory," she said. Both teachers left to return to the feast closing the door behind them.

"Oh shit, I thought we'd had it!" said Ron grabbing a sandwich.

"So did I. We'll have to watch our step from now on though…" Harry took a swig of pumpkin juice, just glad to be back at Hogwarts again. The boys psyched themselves up for the lecture they would get from Hermione later on in Gryffindor Tower.

-------

_The next morning, Harry and Ron sat down at the Gryffindor table next to Hermione, who had her copy of Voyages With Vampires propped open against a milk jug. There was a slight stiffness in the way she said 'Morning' which told Harry that she was still disapproving of the way they had arrived. Moments later the post arrived; owls flew in all directions delivering mail to students. Something large and grey fell into Hermione's milk jug, spraying them all with milk and feathers._

_"Errol!" said Ron, pulling the bedraggled owl out by the feet. Errol slumped, unconscious onto the table, his legs in the air and a damp red envelope in his beak._

_"Oh no-" Ron gasped._

_"Its alright, he's still alive," said Hermione._

_"It's not that- it's THAT."_

_Ron was pointing to the red envelope. It looked quite ordinary, but Ron was looking at it as though it was about to explode._

_"What's the matter?" asked Harry._

_"She's- she's sent me a Howler," said Ron faintly._

_"S'pose you better open it, Ron," advised Hermione._

_Ron stretched out a shaking hand, eased the envelope from Errol's beak, and slit it open. A roar of sound filled the huge hall, shaking dust from the ceiling._

_"…STEALING THE CAR, I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SURPRISED IF THEY'D EXPELLED YOU, YOU WAIT TILL I GET HOLD OF YOU, I DON'T SUPPOSE_

_YOU STOPPED TO THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I WENT THROUGH WHEN WE SAW IT HAD GONE…"_

_Mrs Weasley's yells, a hundred times louder than usual, made the plates and spoons rattle on the table. People were swiveling around to see who had received the Howler and Ron sank so low in his chair that only his crimson forehead could be seen._

_"…LETTER FROM DUMBLEDORE LAST NIGHT, I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER WOULD DIE OF SHAME, WE DIDN'T BRING YOU UP TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS, YOU AND HARRY COULD BOTH HAVE DIED…WE'RE ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED, YOUR FATHER'S FACING AN ENQUIRY AT WORK, ITS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT AND IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT BACK HOME!"_

_A ringing silence fell. The red envelope, which had dropped from Ron's hand, burst into flames and curled into ashes. Harry and Ron sat stunned, as though a tidal wave had just passed over them. A few people laughed and gradually a babble of talk broke out again._

_Hermione closed Voyages With Vampires and looked down at the top of Ron's head._

_"Well, I don't know what you expected Ron, but you-"_

_"Don't tell me I deserved it," snapped Ron._

_Harry had no time to feel guilty because Professor McGonagall was handing out timetables to the Gryffindors. Harry took his and saw that they had double Herbology with the Hufflepuffs first._

_---------_

Professor Sprout was a squat little witch who wore a patched hat over her flyaway hair; there was usually a large amount of earth on her clothes and under her nails. Today as she approached the green house she was accompanied by Gilderoy Lockhart, who looked the complete opposite to her. He looked immaculate in sweeping robes of turquoise, his golden hair shining under a perfectly positioned turquoise hat with gold trimming.

"Greenhouse Three today chaps," announced Professor Sprout who seemed to be getting annoyed by Lockhart's presence. Harry was about to follow Ron and Hermione inside, when Lockhart's hand shot out.

"Harry! I've been wanting a word- don't mind if he's a couple of minutes late, do you Professor Sprout?"

Judging by Professor Sprout's scowl, she did mind, but Lockhart said, "That's the ticket," and closed the greenhouse door in her face.

"Harry," said Lockhart, his large white teeth gleaming in the sunlight as he shook his head, "Harry, Harry, Harry."

Completely nonplussed, Harry said nothing.

"When I heard- well, of course, it was all my fault. Could have kicked myself." Harry had no idea what he was talking about. He was about to say so when Lockhart went on, "Don't know when I've been more shocked. There I was in the staff room reading _Voyages With Vampires_, my personal favourite when I overhear Professor Snape telling Mr Filch a particularly raunchy story about one Harry Potter and a certain someone," Lockhart winked. "Kissing other boys, Harry, not a habit you should be getting into. Well, of course I knew at once why you'd done it. Stood out a mile. Harry, Harry, Harry." It was remarkable how he could show every one of those

brilliant teeth even when he wasn't talking. "Gave you a taste for it, didn't I?" said Lockhart, "Gave you the bug. You got excited and intrigued by our experience in the bookshop and you couldn't wait to do it again."

Harry's heart began to pound faster and faster in his chest. He tried to arrange his face into a look of skepticism, as though this was new to him, and that he had no idea what Lockhart was talking about- alas it didn't work.

"I understand, Harry. Natural to want a bit more once you've had that first taste- and I blame myself for giving you that, because it was bound to go to your head- but see here young man, you can't start kissing boys to try and get yourself noticed. Just calm down, alright? Plenty of time for all that when you're older. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking! 'It's alright for him, he's an internationally famous wizard, he must have dozens of people lining up to get with him. He doesn't have to resort to other students.' But it's a start Harry, it's a start. But I want you to know," continued Lockhart taking Harry's hands in his. "If you ever, EVER, have an urge like that again, just come to me and we'll sort it out." He gave Harry a hearty wink and strode off. Harry stood stunned for a few seconds, and then remembering he was supposed to be in the greenhouse, he opened the door and slid inside

Professor Sprout was standing behind a trestle bench in the centre of the greenhouse. About twenty pairs of different coloured earmuffs were lying on the bench. When Harry had taken his place between Ron and Hermione (Ron giving him a look of 'What was that all about?' and Harry answering with a weak smile and a 'tell you later') she said, "Today we'll be repotting Mandrakes. These unique plants are used as an essential part of powerful restorative antidotes that are used to return people who have been transfigured or cursed, to their original state. But they are also potentially dangerous. They will try and seduce anyone who hears their voice and hearing too much will in fact result in death. Now the Mandrakes we have here are still very young so their voices can't kill you yet. However they will knock you out for several hours, so make sure your earmuffs are securely in place. Okay, first I will give a demonstration of what you have to do, and then you can divide into groups and do the rest. Clear? Ok everyone take a pair of earmuffs." Professor Sprout rolled up her sleeves and walked over to a row of deep trays each filled with a hundred or so tufty little plants, all purplish in colour. She grasped the nearest tuft and pulled hard.

Harry let out a gasp of surprise that no one could hear. Instead of roots, a small muddy and extremely ugly baby popped out of the earth. The leaves were growing right out of its head. It had pale green, mottled skin, and was clearly bawling at the top of its lungs.

Professor Sprout had to shout at the top of her lungs so the second years could hear her, "Now, you take one of these handy little devices out of the packet…" she reached for a little blue packet from a box on the table. "Now, be careful not to rip it or get any dirt in it. We don't want any infections in these little guys."

Harry and Ron exchanged confused glances.

"So firstly you have to check whether you have a male or female Mandrake. You can tell the males by this characteristic here," she pointed to a rather small nobbly thing. "This is called a penis. You may have to look hard because some aren't very big in the pants if you know what I mean. So if it's a male, you take this," she picked up the round rubber device she had unwrapped earlier, "and you place it on the tip here…and you gently roll it until it covers. Then you place it into these larger pots with a female." She finished the demonstration and wiped her hands on her grubby apron. "And remember be very careful to ensure you wear earmuffs at all times. Their cries will not kill you yet but can severely turn you on. That could get rather messy and dangerous so I'd like to avoid that if I can. Off you go then!"

Harry, Ron and Hermione had a tray of Mandrakes to themselves. Professor Sprout had made it look extremely easy but it wasn't. The Mandrakes didn't like coming out of the earth, but didn't seem to want to go back either.

By the end of the class, Harry, like everyone else, was sweaty, aching and covered in earth. He couldn't help glancing over at Ron who looked rather hot covered in dirt and sweat.

They went back up to the castle for lunch and sat down at a deserted part of the table.

"So why did Lockhart want to talk to you Harry?" asked Hermione. Harry looked around to make sure no one was listening. Then turned back to his friends. He leaned closer and opened his mouth, "Sna…ah, oh it was nothing, um just, um…just reminding me we've got our first lesson this afternoon." Harry cursed inside his head. He had almost let it slip to Hermione what had happened between him and Ron beneath the tree those few nights ago.

"Oh is that all?" said Ron, sounding relieved.

But Hermione didn't seem convinced.

"Are you sure, Harry?" she leaned closer and put her hands on Harry's. "Come on Harry, you can tell me."

Ron cleared his throat. Hermione ignored him and continued to stare into Harry's eyes, as though searching for the answer.

"No, no that's it," said Harry, shooting Ron a look of panic. Hermione wasn't taking her eyes off him.

"Why?" demanded Ron, hastily changing the subject and seeing Hermione's timetable, "have you outlined all Lockhart's lessons in little hearts?" Hermione tore her eyes from Harry's and snatched the timetable back, flushing furiously.

For the rest of lunch the three of them sat in an awkward silence until Harry became aware that he was being closely watched. Looking up he saw a small mousy haired boy staring at him as though transfixed. He was clutching what looked like an ordinary muggle camera and the moment Harry looked at him, he went bright red.

"Alright Harry? I'm- I'm Colin Creevy," he said breathlessly, taking a tentative step forward. "I'm in Gryffindor too. D'you think it would be alright if- can I have a picture?" he said raising the camera hopefully.

"A picture?" Harry repeated blankly.

"So I can prove I've met you," said Colin eagerly, edging forwards.

"I know all about you. Everyone's told me. So- so maybe your friend could take it and I could stand next to you? And then, could you sign it?"

"Signed photos? You're giving out signed photos Potter?" loud and scathing, Draco Malfoy's voice echoed around the great hall.

"Everyone line up!" Malfoy roared to the crowd, "Harry Potter's giving out signed photos!"

Harry whispered, "Fuck" under his breath, he cleared his throat, blushing.

"_No I'm not!_ Shut up Malfoy."

An odd look of disappointment crossed Draco's face. He bent down, his face level with Harry's.

"Oh," he said quietly and almost shyly he added, "Well-well if you ever do. I'll- I-, um, I…" Draco was interrupted.

"You're just jealous!" piped up Colin.

Malfoy straightened up, "_What?_" he demanded glaring at Colin, "Jealous? Of what? I don't want a foul scar right across my head, thanks. I don't think getting your head cut open makes you that special myself."

Crabbe and Goyle were sniggering stupidly.

"Oi! Shut the fuck up Malfoy!" shouted Ron angrily. Crabbe stopped laughing and started rubbing his knuckles in a menacing way.

"Looks like your boyfriend would like a signed photo, Harry," smirked Malfoy.

"Right!" yelled Ron, "You cant stop me this time Harry," he whipped out his wand.

"OI!" Percy who had been sitting nearby slammed his magazine shut and stood up. "Would you little shits SHUT UP! As school prefect I have rights to read my magazine undisturbed. So why don't you all fuck off back to class!" No one moved.

"GO ON! CLEAR OFF!"

The sound of shuffling feet filled the great hall. Harry swore he heard some one mutter about 'Those bloody Weasley's' and 'What the fuck's up with that family eh?' As the crowd thinned Harry glanced around hoping to find Malfoy, he wanted to ask him what he had meant. But he was gone. He sighed.

Five minutes later they had reached Lockhart's classroom. They took their seats. Lockhart entered the room and cleared his throat loudly silence fell. He reached forward, picked up Neville Longbottom's copy of _Travels With Trolls_ and held it up to show his own, winking portrait on the front.

"Me," he said, pointing at it and winking as well, "Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, third class, honorary member of the Dark Force Defence League and five times winner of _Witch Weekly_'s Most-Charming-Smile Award- but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!"

He waited for them to laugh, a few people smiled weakly.

"I see you've all bought a complete set of my books- well done. And so, to business… Now be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizard-kind! You may find yourself facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm."

Lockhart walked over to a cage covered in blue material.

"I must ask you not to scream," he said in a low voice, "It might arouse them." As the whole class held their breath, Lockhart whipped off the cover.

"Yes," he said dramatically, "Freshly caught Horny Pixies." The pixies were electric blue and about 8 inches high, with pointed faces and voices so shrill it was like listening to a lot of budgies arguing.

"Right then," Lockhart said loudly "Let's see what you make of them!" and he opened the cage.

The pixies shot in every direction like rockets. They started grabbing people's clothes and ripping them off. Laughing manically, two of them seized Neville by the collar and ripped his shirt off. He screamed and wrapped his arms around himself to cover the horrible sight of man boobs. Other pixies were flying crazily around the room ripping off everyone's clothes. There were cloaks, robes, pants, jumpers, bras, g-

strings and boxers flying everywhere. Students were running around fighting off the pixies with anything they had.

Harry and Hermione were cowering in the corner. Harry's pants had already been removed and Hermione was completely topless. A pixie had landed on Hermione's head and Harry picked up a large heavy book and was about to smack it off when he was distracted, three pixies were removing Draco Malfoy's shirt. Harry stared wide-eyed. However he continued to swing the book towards Hermione's head. Due to not looking where he was swinging Harry misjudged the position of the pixie. It resulted in a large crack and squeal of pain. Harry quickly looked back at Hermione. She was lying on the floor; blood was pissing from her eye socket. There was a huge gash in the side of her head.

"Harry!" she cried in agony. Harry gasped at the realisation of what he had done. He dropped to the floor. "Hermione! I'm terribly sorry!" She was clutching at the gash hysterically crying. Ron moved over to them and started laughing.

"Suck on that BITCH! I see I'm not the only one getting hurt around here…" he cast an evil glance at Malfoy and then caught eye contact with Harry. It was too awkward so Harry looked back towards Malfoy.

He had no shirt on. His body was glistening with sweat. His face was pale with alarm but he still had that magnificent smile on his face. He had a six pack and huge biceps. As he moved to dodge the pixies the muscles tensed and moved. Harry felt guilty for looking at Malfoy that way. He turned back to Ron who was still laughing hysterically at Hermione.

All of a sudden two pixies came and dacked Ron. He quickly realised and turned bright red. Harry saw everything.

"Fuck! Blasted Pixies!" Ron yelled struggling to pull his pants back up.

Harry conveniently walked away. He looked up towards Lockhart. He was looking around the room, a manic smile on his face. He was talking to himself. He seemed to be enjoying this.

The bell rang and there was a mad rush for the door. People were hastily putting their clothes back on. In the relative calm that followed Lockhart straightened up, caught sight of Harry and Ron helping Hermione out the door, and said, "Well, I'll ask you three to just nip the rest of them back into their cage." He swept past them and shut the door quickly behind him.

Hermione was still bleeding heavily and needed to be urgently taken to the hospital wing. Harry and Ron decided to disobey Lockhart's orders and helped Hermione to the hospital wing for treatment.

A/N: There you have it dear readers, review to ease your curiosity for more...


	7. Corporal Punishment

-CHAPTER SEVEN-

_**Corporal Punishment **_

Harry spent a lot of time over the next few days dodging out of sight whenever he saw Gilderoy Lockhart coming down a corridor. So with one thing and another, Harry was quite glad to reach the weekend. He, Ron and Hermione, who had gotten out of hospital the other day fully recovered, were planning to visit Hagrid on Saturday morning. Harry, however, was shaken awake several hours earlier than he would have liked by Oliver Wood, Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

"Not now Ron," muttered Harry groggily. He opened his eyes to see Wood's frowning face. "Oh Wood, what is it?"

"Quidditch practice!" said Wood. "Come on!"

"Oliver," Harry croaked, squinting out the window at the thin mist hanging across the pink and gold sky. "It's the crack of dawn."

"Exactly," said Wood. He was a tall and burly sixth year and at the moment, his eyes were gleaming with a mad enthusiasm. "It's all part of our new training programme. Come on, grab your broom and let's go," said Wood heartily. "None of the other teams have started training yet…"

Yawning and shivering slightly, Harry climbed out of bed and tried to find his Quidditch robes.

"Good man," said Wood, "meet you on the pitch in fifteen minutes."

The rest of the team were crowded around on the Quidditch pitch when Harry arrived.

"Hang on a second," said George pointing.

Several people in green robes were making their way across the pitch.

"I don't believe it!" Wood hissed in outrage. "I booked the pitch for today! We'll see about this!"

"Easy Wood," announced Slytherin's captain Marcus Flint, "I got a note." He held up a small piece of parchment.

Wood snatched the note from Flint and scanned through it, "Snape's letting you?" he muttered. Flint nodded. "It says you've got a new seeker- who?"

From behind the six large figures emerged a seventh…

"Malfoy?" breathed Harry.

"That's right," announced Malfoy, "and that's not all that's new this year." He gestured to the seven identical brooms each of his team members held. Each one highly polished and displaying in gold lettering 'Nimbus Two Thousand and One'.

"Very latest model. Only came in last month," said Flint, smirking.

No one on the Gryffindor team could think of a thing to say.

"Oh look," said Flint, "a pitch invasion."

Ron and Hermione were crossing the grass to see what was going on.

"What's happening?" Ron asked Harry. "And what's _he _doing here?" He was looking at Malfoy in disgust, taking in his Slytherin Quidditch robes.

"I'm the new seeker, Weasley," said Malfoy smugly. "Everyone's just been admiring the brooms my father bought our team."

Ron gaped open mouthed at the seven superb brooms in front of him.

"Good aren't they?" said Malfoy smoothly. "But perhaps the Gryffindor team will be able to raise some gold and get new brooms too. You could raffle off your brothers' Cleansweep Fives, I expect a museum would bid for them."

The Slytherins howled with laughter.

"At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in," said Hermione sharply. "They got in on pure talent."

The smug look on Malfoy's face flickered. "No one asked your opinion, you filthy little whore," he spat.

"You'll pay for that one Malfoy!" Harry watched in horror as Ron pulled out his wand and aimed it at Malfoy. A loud bang echoed around the stadium and a jet of green light shot out of the wrong end of Ron's wand, hitting him in the stomach and sending him reeling backwards onto the grass.

"Ron! Ron! Are you all right?" yelled Harry.

Ron opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He looked as though he was going to be sick. He gave an almighty belch. A small foetus dribbled out of his mouth and fell to the grass.

The Slytherin team was laughing and the Gryffindors gathered around Ron who kept coughing up small bloody foetuses. Nobody seemed to want to touch him, not even Harry.

"We better get him to Hagrid's, he can help!" said Hermoine to Harry who nodded bravely. The two of them pulled Ron up by his arms and carried him to Hagrid's hut.

They knocked urgently. Hagrid appeared at once.

"I've been wondering when you would come to see me." He stepped aside and let them in. Hagrid didn't seem at all perturbed about Ron's problem. He sat him down in a chair and placed a large copper basin in front of him.

"Better out than in... get them all up Ron! There's nothing more you can do except wait for it to stop." Said Hagrid.

"It's ok Ron, you'll feel better soon." Harry sat down next to Ron and patted his back as more foetuses fell from his mouth.

"Tell me," said Hagrid jerking his head towards Ron. "Who was he trying to curse?"

"Draco Malfoy," said Harry with a hint of sadness in his voice. "He called Hermoine a whore."

"He did NOT?" yelled Hagrid.

-----

A few hours later when the foetuses had subsided the three of them said goodbye to Hagrid and walked back to the castle for lunch.

They had barely set foot inside the cool entrance hall when a voice rang out.

"There you are Potter and Weasley! I've been looking for you. You will both be doing your detentions this evening." It was Professor McGonagall.

"What are we doing, Professor?" asked Ron.

"You will be polishing the silver in the trophy room without magic with Mr Filch." McGonagall replied. Ron groaned loudly.

"And you Potter will be helping Professor Lockhart answer his fan mail."

-----

Saturday afternoon went far too quickly and before they knew it, it was five minutes to eight. Harry dragged his feet as he walked along the second floor corridor to Lockhart's office. He stopped and frowned at the door. He could hear the Time Warp playing… He knocked but no one answered. Slowly, he opened the door. To his horror Professor Lockhart was wearing women's underwear and a pair of black fishnet stockings. He was also wearing lipstick and eye shadow and was dancing in high heels to the song. Harry cleared his throat and Lockhart quickly turned around.

"Oh…Harry, I forgot you were coming…or did I?" He had a funny look in his eye. He went over and switched off the music.

"Well Harry, you've been such a naughty boy." His voice was low and seductive. "So I thought I'd teach you a lesson." Lockhart pulled out a whip. Harry gasped in fright.

"It excites you, doesn't it Harry? Whip me Harry!" he squealed handing the whip to Harry, who stood there unsure whether to run...

"Ok, well, its getting awfully hot in here Harry, why don't you take off those pants." He moved closer to Harry.

"Um…I'm ok, not too hot." Harry was trembling.

"Oh but you are." Lockhart started to caress Harry's hair, running his fingers through it. He pushed him back into a chair. Harry blocked Lockhart's arm as it reached for the top of his pants. Lockhart withdrew quickly.

"Oh, you're no fun," he giggled. "Well then Harry, if you won't go along with what I say, you'll have to look at some nice photos of me."

He reached into his desk draw and pulled out a bundle of pictures. "Here you go, I'm sure these will teach you not to be so naughty." He shoved the pictures across the desk. Harry did not touch them.

"_Fine_, I will hold them up for you."

Harry couldn't help but look. The photos were mostly ones of Lockhart naked but occasionally there were photos of Harry. He was in the shower and getting changed. It looked as though they had been taken by hidden cameras.

Harry endured four more hours of this torture.

"Oh gosh, you've been here nearly four hours! Isn't it funny how time flies when you're having fun?" Lockhart grinned. "Off you go Harry, we shall meet again soon. And remember," Lockhart's voice turned threatening. "Tell no one of this or I'll have to tell everyone your little secret." He made mock kissing noises. Finally he broke into an evil laugh.

"Goodnight Harry!" Lockhart shut the door behind him. Harry walked back to the Gryffindor common room dazed and shaking.

When he arrived he went straight up to the dormitory. Ron wasn't back yet. Harry picked up his pyjamas then stopped suddenly and looked around. There, stuck to the roof in the corner of the room, was a tiny black camera. He dragged a chair over to the wall and climbed onto it. He pulled on the camera and it easily detached from the wall. He climbed down from the chair and studied the camera closely. It was the size of his thumbnail with a lense a quarter of the size. He threw the tiny object onto the floor; he smiled and waved at it. "Goodnight Gilderoy…" The camera gave a quiet click and a small light flashed from its corner.

"Right," said Harry.

With a quick movement his foot came down on top of the camera with the sound of snapping gears. He kicked the smashed parts under his bed, pulled on his pyjamas and waited.

Half an hour later, Ron arrived nursing his right arm.

"My muscles have all seized up," he groaned, sinking onto Harry's bed alongside him. Harry smiled and brushed a piece of hair out of Ron's eyes.

"Here," said Harry, taking Ron's arm and gently massaging it.

"Ohh," moaned Ron, "Ohh, thanks Harry, that feels good…"

After a while Harry felt Ron's muscles relax. Ron laid his head down on Harry's chest and snuggled under the blankets.

Harry lay back in his four-poster and stared at the canopy above him.

"I love you, Harry." Came Ron's voice from the darkness.

Harry shut his eyes, "I know," he whispered back, but the thing is, he thought, I'm not sure if I do anymore…

**A/N: Lol, Hey anyone else get the impression that Harry saying 'I'm not sure if I do anymore…' kinda sounds like he's ditching Ron for Lockhart? Cos I just re-read it and that's the way it came across to me just then and that's not the way it was intended, pff meh wateva, i dunno, that's just how it sounded to me at the moment.**

**By the way Potter fans, Billy Connoly was on Andrew Denton tonight (Aussie show, kinda like Parky) anywho, he said that John Howard's (Oz's Prime Minister) only purpose in life is to show us what Harry Potter will look like in later life. Wtf? That's fricken insulting mate. (to Harry not old Johnny boy, the PM should take this as a compliment).**

**Well review -what you think of the story -needs more slash, random as hell, want more? etc etc. Or tell us what you think of Billy's comment. Either one- ALL REVIEWS WANTED AND WELCOME!**

**-M.T. Froste, on behalf of my sibling and myself**


	8. Demon Child

A.N: Well, im so glad everyone has been loving this! Its a big hit at home! So i couldnt bear to watch you suffer through waiting for the next chapter. Remember, this is a full novel, many more chapters to be posted yet! Enjoy, and please review! Our next novel is already underway! Take Care Fellow Fanfic lovers!

B.S. Froste

(on behalf of the Froste twins)

-CHAPTER EIGHT-

Demon Child

October arrived, spreading a damp chill over the grounds and into the castle. Rain drops the size of bullets thundered on the castle windows for days on end. Oliver Wood's enthusiasm for regular training sessions however, was not dampened. Harry walked into the Entrance Hall one stormy Saturday afternoon a few days before Halloween, soaking wet.

Ron and Hermione met him with a warm cloak and a towel.

"C'mon mate," said Ron, throwing an arm around Harry's shivering body. "Pudding might not be finished yet," he said hopefully, leading the way towards the steps of the Great Hall.

And then Harry heard it. It was a voice, a voice to chill the bone marrow, a voice of breathtaking, ice-cold venom.

"Come…come to me…let me fuck you…let me rape you…let me kill you…"

He stumbled to a halt, clutching at the stone wall listening with all his might, looking around squinting up and down the dimly lit passageway.

"Harry, what're you-?"

"Can you hear it?" asked Harry.

"Hear what?" said Ron looking puzzled.

"That voice!"

"Voice? What voice?" asked Hermione shooting Ron a confused look.

"Listen!" said Harry urgently; Ron and Hermione froze, watching him.

The voice was growing faint. Harry was sure it was moving away, moving upwards. A mixture of fear and excitement gripped him as he stared at the dark ceiling. How could it be moving upwards?

"This way!" he shouted and he began to run, up the stairs to the second floor.

"Harry, what are you-"

"Shhh!"

Harry strained his ears; he heard the voice: "I smell blood…I SMELL BLOOD!"

"It's going to kill someone!" he shouted. The three of them hurtled around a corner. Hermione gave a sudden gasp, pointing down the corridor. "Look!"

Hermione was pointing at the window, the top most pane had around twenty spiders scuttling around on it, apparently fighting to get through a small crack in the glass.

"Have you ever seen spiders act like that?" Hermione wondered.

"No," said Harry. "Have you Ron? Ron?"

He looked over his shoulder. Ron was standing well back, and seemed to be fighting the impulse to run.

"What's up?" asked Harry.

"I- don't- like- spiders," said Ron tensely.

"I never knew that."

"I just don't like the way they move…"

Hermione giggled.

"It's not funny," said Ron fiercely.

DEMON CHILD41

"No, of course it's not," said Hermione who was still obviously trying not to laugh. Feeling they had better get off the subject Harry looked around.

"What's that?" asked Ron.

Harry looked around and saw on the ground what looked like a long clear unblown balloon.

"Yeah what is that…?"

"No Harry, not THAT," said Hermione, "THAT!" she pointed to the wall. Foot high words had been scrawled on the wall between two windows, shimmering under the light cast by the flaming torches.

THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED…

ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE…

"What's that thing- hanging underneath?" said Ron, a slight quiver in his voice.

As they edged nearer, Harry almost slipped over: there was a large puddle of water on the floor. Ron and Hermione grabbed him, and they inched towards the message, eyes fixed on a dark shadow beneath it. All three of them realised what it was at once, and leapt backwards with a splash.

Mrs Norris, Filch's cat, was hanging by her tail from the torch bracket. She was stiff as a board; her eyes were wide and staring.

For a few seconds they didn't move. Then Ron said, "Mmm…Pussy…"

"RON!" Hermione slapped him over the head, "Not NOW!"

"Shouldn't we try and help-?" Harry had not heard what Ron had said.

"No trust me we don't want to be found here."

But it was too late. A rumble, as though of distant thunder told them that the feast was over. From either end of the corridor came the sound of hundreds of feet climbing the stairs, and the loud, happy talk of well-fed people; next moment, students were crashing into the passage from both ends.

The chatter, the bustle, the noise died suddenly as the people in front spotted the hanging cat. Harry, Ron and Hermione stood alone, in the middle of the corridor, as silence fell among the mass of students, pressing forward to see the grisly sight.

Then someone shouted through the quiet, "Enemies of the heir beware? You'll be next POOFS!"

It was Draco Malfoy. He had pushed to the front of the crowd, his cold eyes alive, his usually bloodless face flushed as he grinned at the sight of the hanging cat.

"What's going on here? What's going on?"

Attracted no doubt by Malfoy's shout, Argus Filch came shouldering his way through the crowd. Then he saw Mrs Norris and fell back clutching his face in horror.

"My cat! My cat! What's happened to Mrs Norris?" he shrieked, his popping eyes fell on Harry.

"YOU!" he screeched, "YOU! YOU'VE FUCKING MURDERED MY CAT! YOU'VE FUCKING KILLED HER! YOU FUCKING DEMON CHILD! I'LL KILL YA! I'LL FUCKING KILL YA! FUUUCK-"

"Argus!"

Dumbledore had arrived, followed by a number of other teachers. In seconds, he had swept past Harry, Ron and Hermione and detached Mrs Norris from the torch bracket. "It's ok, Argus. She's not dead. She has been petrified. No second year could have

42THRUSTING EROTICA

done this."

Filch shot a dirty look at Harry.

"But where were these three at dinner?" Snape piped up.

"We were just going to the bathrooms to warm Harry up, we were too late for dinner." Ron pleaded.

"Innocent until proven guilty, Severus." Dumbledore spoke softly.

"In the meantime, all of you back to your dormitories! Mrs Norris will be revived when the Mandrakes are ready. But until then she will have to wait." Dumbledore gave Harry a look that made him think he almost already knew about the voice in the wall. Harry breathed a sigh of relief and walked back to the Gryffindor common room with Ron, Hermione, Neville, Dean and Seamus.


	9. Training For The Ballet

A/N: Felt chapter eight was a bit lacking in length, it had it's own little charm but you, dear readers, deserve more. M.T.

-CHAPTER NINE-

_**Training For the Ballet**_

Harry woke early on Saturday morning and lay for a while thinking about the coming Quidditch match. He was nervous, mainly at the thought of what Wood would say if Gryffindor lost, but also at the idea of facing a team mounted on the fastest racing brooms money could buy. He had never wanted to beat Slytherin so badly. But they weren't the only reasons for causing his nerves, he didn't know why, but for some reason the idea of Malfoy playing his opposing position worried him. It felt as though a small part of him wanted to be able to impress Draco and was scared of failing.

As eleven o'clock approached, the whole school started to make its way down to the Quidditch stadium. Ron and Hermione came hurrying over to wish Harry good luck as he entered the change rooms. Just before he left Ron pulled Harry aside out of sight and kissed him passionately on the lips. As he pulled away he smiled softly, "Good luck, Harry."

"Thanks, Ron," Harry smiled halfheartedly back.

Harry entered the change room and got changed into his Quidditch robes. Wood gave his usual pep talk and then they were out on the pitch.

"On my whistle!" Madame Hooch started the game.

Harry flew up into the sky, higher than anyone else. He was squinting around for the Snitch.

Malfoy shot past Harry and nearly knocked him off his broom. He turned and hovered in mid air so he was facing him. Harry heard him say, "Alright there sexy?" Harry shook his head and blinked a few times. What had he just heard?

"What?" asked Harry.

"I said alright there scar head?" Malfoy repeated looking frustrated. But Harry had no time to reply, he had to dodge a Bludger, which came pelting towards him. George gave the Bludger a powerful whack in the direction of a Slytherin; it changed direction in mid air and went straight for Wood.

It knocked him clean off his broom and sent him spiraling to the ground below. It then came straight for Harry again. In the stands Hagrid, Ron and Hermione had noticed the strange Bludger.

"Oh no, Harry's got himself a rogue Bludger, that's been tampered with, that has!" yelled Hagrid.

"I'll fix it!" Ron screamed bravely pointing his wand at the bludger.

"No, Ron! It's too dangerous, you might hit Harry!" Hermione forced the wand from Ron's hand.

Higher and higher Harry climbed. He could hear laughter from the crowd as he dodged and dived, anything to get away from the out of control bludger. A whistling in his ear told him the Bludger had just missed him again; he turned right over and sped in the opposite direction.

"Training for the ballet, Potter?" joked Malfoy as Harry was forced to do a stupid

kind of twirl in mid air to dodge it. Harry felt his face going red in embarrassment; off he fled the Bludger trailing a few feet behind him. Looking back at Malfoy he saw it, the Golden Snitch. It was hovering inches above Draco's left ear- and Malfoy, busy laughing at Harry, hadn't seen it. For an agonising moment, Harry hung in mid air, not daring to speed towards Malfoy in case he looked up and saw the snitch.

WHAM!

He had stayed still a second too long. The Bludger had hit him at last, smashing into his elbow and Harry felt his arm break. Dazed by the searing pain in his arm, he slid sideways on his broom, his right arm dangling uselessly at his side. The bludger came pelting back for a second attack, this time aiming at his face. Harry swerved out of the way one idea lodged firmly in his numb brain: _get to Malfoy_.

Through a haze of rain and pain he dived for the shimmering sneering face below him and saw its eyes widen with fear: Malfoy thought Harry was attacking him.

"Harry? What are you doing?" he gasped, careering out of Harry's way. Harry took his remaining hand off his broom and made a wild snatch. He felt his fingers close on the cold Snitch, but was now only gripping the broom with legs. There was a yell from the crowd as he headed straight for the ground, trying hard not to pass out.

With a splattering thud he hit the mud and rolled off his broom, his arm was hanging at a very strange angle. Riddled with pain he heard someone land nearby and coming from a distance was a great deal of whistling and shouting. He focused on the Snitch clutched in his good hand.

"Aha," he said vaguely, "We've won." And he fainted.

He came around, rain falling on his face, still lying on the pitch, with someone leaning over him. A pale pointed face.

"Malfoy?" his voice was dry and raspy.

"Yes Harry, it's me," he whispered back, wiping Harry's hair from his fore head.

"Are- are you alright?" he asked smiling fondly at Harry.

Harry smiled, "Not really," he croaked.

"Yeah," laughed Draco, "stupid question…" he trailed off and looked around. Harry could hear other voices coming closer.

"I got to go," whispered Malfoy.

"Oh."

"Yeah, I- I'm sorry, it's…it's just I can't be seen with you. D'you know what I mean…?"

Harry sighed and closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry Harry."

Harry heard Draco get up as the voices came closer. He opened his eyes and saw a glitter of teeth.

"Oh no, not you," he moaned.

"Doesn't know what he's saying," said Lockhart loudly, to the anxious crowd of Gryffindors pressing around them.

"Not to worry, Harry. I'm about to fix your arm."

"No!" said Harry, "I'll keep it like this thanks…"

"Stand back!" said Lockhart, who was rolling up his jade green sleeves.

"No- don't-" said Harry weakly, but Lockhart was twirling his wand and a second later had directed it straight at Harry's arm.

A strange sensation started at Harry's shoulder and spread all the way down to his

fingertips. It felt as though his arm was deflated. It didn't hurt anymore- but nor did it feel remotely like an arm.

Poking out of the end of his robes was what looked like a thick flesh coloured glove.

People around him gasped.

"Hey, it looks like my…" but Ron was cut off by Hagrid's angry yells.

"What have you done now, Lockhart?"

-------

Harry was lying in the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey wasn't at all pleased.

"You should have come straight to me! I can mend bones in a second but growing them back-"

"But you will be able to, wont you?" asked Harry desperately.

"Oh certainly, but it will be painful." She handed Harry a pair of pyjamas. Hermione waited outside a drawn curtain while Ron helped Harry into his pyjamas. Ron thoroughly enjoyed it. Madame Pomfrey gave Harry a beakerful of Skelegrow and left him for the night. He slept for a few hours before waking up in the pitch-blackness with someone sponging his head. He shouted, "Get off! Ron?" but he now saw two tennis ball sized eyes staring at him through the darkness.

"Dobby?" he whispered in surprise.

"Harry Potter came back to school," he whispered miserably, "Dobby warned and warned Harry Potter. Ah sir, why didn't you heed Dobby? Why didn't Harry Potter go back home when he missed the train?"

"It was you!" Harry said slowly, "You stopped the barrier letting us through!"

"Indeed yes, sir," said Dobby, "Dobby hid and watched for Harry Potter and sealed the gateway. Dobby had to iron his hands afterwards…."

Dobby started to cry. He blew his nose on his filthy pillowcase.

"Why do you wear that thing?" asked Harry, his anger now gone.

"Tis a mark of the house-elf's enslavement, sir, Dobby can only be freed if his master presents him with clothes, sir." He mopped his bulging eyes.

"Harry Potter must go home!" Dobby jumped onto the bed and clung to Harry's leg.

"Dobby! What are you doing!" Harry was startled. Dobby was now humping his leg.

"Dobby finds doing this pleasurable sir, pleasuring oneself as a house-elf is forbidden, Dobby is punishing himself for saying too much to Harry Potter." Dobby continued humping Harry's leg making the bed shake and creak.

"Get off Dobby!" Harry pushed the house elf off his leg and back onto the floor. There was a loud thud as Dobby's head hit the ground.

"Oh thankyou, Harry Potter, you helped to punish Dobby," he started violently hitting his head on the stone floor making little gasping noises after each bang.

"Dobby stop!" Harry grabbed Dobby by the arm and pulled him to his feet, "You cant hurt yourself just to please your master, hurting yourself is a serious problem Dobby."

"But I want Harry Potter to go home! It's no longer safe at Hogwarts! Dobby thought his Bludger would be enough to make-"

"YOUR Bludger?" Harry's anger was rising once again, " What do you mean _your_ Bludger? YOU made that Bludger try to kill me?"

"Not kill you sir, never kill you!" said Dobby shocked, "Dobby wants to save Harry Potter's life! Better sent home, grievously injured, than remain here sir! Dobby only

wanted Harry Potter hurt enough to be sent home!"

"Oh is that all?" said Harry sarcastically, "I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you wanted to have me sent home in pieces?"

"Ah, if Harry Potter only knew!" Dobby groaned more tears dripping onto his ragged pillowcase, "If he knew what he means to do to you, you would run a mile sir, Dobby cannot let Harry Potter stay here now that history is repeating itself, now that the Chamber of Secrets is open once more-"

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Harry started to shout, Dobby had thrown himself into Harry lap and was pulling at his pants. He only got as far as his boxers, when Harry picked him up by the back of the neck.

"Look Dobby, I'd appreciate it if you didn't go anywhere near my pants or my legs, ok? Those things are for one person only…" Harry guiltily looked around the room before whispering, "Ok, maybe two people, but you must not touch me or pleasure me ever again, got it?"

Dobby had more tears in his eyes, he looked gravely disappointed, but he nodded quietly, sniffing back the tears.

All of a sudden Madame Promfrey walked out of her office, she had obviously heard them talking.

"Dobby must go, Harry Potter! Please, Harry Potter must take Dobby's advice, he must not stay at Hogwarts!" and with a click of his fingers Dobby had vanished, Harry quickly pulled up the covers and rolled over, feigning sleep. As he listened to Madame Pomfrey's footsteps fade away he thought about what he had just done. At least now he wouldn't have Dobby attempting to get into his pants all the time. There was still a twinge of regret as he thought about it. Whatever Dobby did, it felt good, really good, but Harry stood firmly with his decision, what Dobby was doing may have felt good, but it was wrong, very wrong…


	10. Corn

**A/N: **It has come to our attention that you, dear readers, have been given nothing of what we described in our summary. So here we have the chapter to finally break into that world completely, not just give hints of it. At last it is time for intrigue, lust, betrayal, jealousy and curiosity…

-CHAPTER TEN-

**_Corn_**

Harry woke up on Sunday morning to find the dormitory blazing with winter sunlight and his arm re-boned but very stiff. Seeing that he was awake, Madame Pomfrey came bustling over with a breakfast tray and then began bending and stretching his arm and fingers.

"All in order," she said, as he clumsily fed himself porridge left-handed.

"When you've finished eating, you may leave."

Harry dressed as quickly as he could and hurried off to Gryffindor tower, desperate to tell Ron and Hermione about Dobby, but they weren't there. Harry left to look for them, wondering where they could have got to and feeling slightly hurt that they weren't interested in whether his bones were back or not.

As Harry passed the library, Draco Malfoy walked out, he looked like he'd recovered from the match. Harry looked up and down the corridor- they were alone.

Draco turned and caught sight of him, he also looked around, the air around them softened when he saw no one else was around.

"Hi Harry," he said beckoning from the library's entrance.

Harry walked over and frowned.

"What?" he asked, still pissed that Ron and Hermione hadn't been there to see him.

"Woah, someone's in a bad mood," said Draco laughing.

"Listen Malfoy, I'm having a shit enough day as it is, let alone having to deal with you having one of your mood swings." Harry wished he hadn't said it when he saw Draco's face.

"But it's- it's not like that, Harry," Draco said desperately.

"Oh yeah? One minute you're being nice to me, and the next you're telling me to fuck off! What am I s'posed to think?"

Draco stared in shock; he opened his mouth but stopped when he heard footsteps behind him. He came closer to Harry and whispered in a hurried voice, "Listen, I can't tell you now-"

Harry sighed dramatically- "I know, I know, but I – I will, just um, meet me tonight near the lake 8 o'clock. Please come Harry," he added seeing Harry's look of annoyance, "It's not a trick this time, I promise, just come."

"Harry!" Ron's voice rang out from down the corridor.

"Ah, yeah," said Draco loudly, "You remember that next time, Potter!" his eyes flashed at the sight of Ron, "See ya," he whispered and was gone.

"What the fuck did he want?" demanded Ron. Ron's attitude towards Malfoy was really starting to piss Harry off.

"Well?" said Ron, his eyes glowing with annoyance.

"Oh, I dunno, just being a dickhead as usual, I guess," answered Harry.

"Oh, well that's good to hear. C'mon we're in the toilets with the potion."

The three of them had come up with the idea of making Polyjuice Potion months ago so that they could change into Slytherins and interrogate Malfoy, who was number one on Ron and Hermione's list of whom the heir of Slytherin could be. (**A/N: **had to be mentioned somewhere)

Ron reached for Harry's hand but Harry pulled it away. Why does he always have to touch me? he thought.

Ron looked into Harry's eyes frowning.

"Ah…my- my sore arm, Ron."

"Oh yeah, sorry," but Ron didn't sound convinced. Harry followed him to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, wondering about Draco and his proposal for tonight. He decided he was going to go.

They arrived at Moaning Myrtle's bathroom two minutes later. Ron opened the door and they entered. The usually peaceful silence however had been disturbed.

There was a pile of robes and clothes in the middle of the floor. Both boys looked at each other. What the fuck was going on? One of the cubicles was shut and strange groaning noises were coming through the solid wood. There were faint soft whispers and giggles, mixed in with heavy breathing and groaning.

Both boys looked at each other completely shocked. Who or what was in there? Whoever it was, they had not heard them come in. The two shocked boys started to quietly edge towards the exit, deciding that whatever was going on in there they weren't supposed to be involved. They were almost at the door when a female voice screamed out, "Oh Ginny!" in a very seductive way.

Ron's face turned instantly red.

"Ginny, is that you?" he screamed out. Gasps came from the cubicle as Ron rammed down the door in a fit of rage.

The door fell to the side to reveal Hermione and Ginny both completely naked and clutching each other in fear.

Both girls' hair was tousled and Hermione was wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

Ron and Harry both just stared with their mouths open, too stunned to speak. It wasn't until Ginny spoke that the awkward silence was broken.

"We…we can explain! It's not how it looks!" she squeaked desperately. Ron's face was going scarlet with rage. Harry was turning pale with shock. Hermione was trying to cover herself up with her hands, she was clearly uncomfortable.

"What the FUCKING HELL is going on here? Ron screamed angrily, veins in his neck popping out with rage.

"Well, what do you expect?" Hermione said tearfully, "With you two getting it off every time you're alone, who am I left with? What was I supposed to do?" she cried into her hands.

"It's not like you can control me Ron! I can make my own decisions! You can hardly talk! Kissing boys! Wait until mum hears about that! Honestly the world does not revolve around you!" Ginny lost it. She pushed past Ron angrily and started putting her clothes back on. Hermione remained in the cubicle still crying into her hands.

"Oh that's just great, isn't it? The whole fucking school knows I'm gay! And now by tomorrow everyone will know my sister's a…a LESBIAN!" Ron said the word with utter disgust.

He then turned on Hermione and spat, "And you… you're supposed to be my friend! How could you have fucking lesbian sex with my sister? I thought you were better than that!"

Hermione let out a hysterical sob, got up fetched her clothes from the floor, hastily put them on and ran out crying.

Ginny took one last glare at Ron before muttering something about homework and slamming the door behind her.

Ron screamed in a fit of rage and kicked at the cubicle door, cleanly cutting it in half.

"FUCKING HELL! MY LIFE CAN'T GET ANY WORSE AT THE MOMENT! HONESTLY!" he yelled before exiting the toilets and running off.

Harry was standing in the middle of the floor, once again in the peaceful silence, still trying to take in what had just happened.

------

Back in the dormitory, Harry lay on his four-poster, Ron hadn't returned. No one had seen him for over two hours.

Harry sat up and looked out the window, he saw the glistening lake, his heart leapt- the meeting with Malfoy, he had almost forgotten. He checked his watch, it was 6.58pm. He picked up a piece of parchment and scrawled:

LAKE: 8 O'CLOCK

He stuck it to his bedpost so he couldn't miss it and forget again. He got up from the bed and checked his watch again: 7.01pm. "Damn," he muttered. He left the dormitory and walked down the stairs, he scanned the common room- no sign of Ron.

"H…Harry," came a quiet voice from the couch. There, red cheeked and puffy eyed, was Hermione sitting under a rug, her legs propped up underneath her.

Harry walked over and sat down next to her.

"Hi," he said tentatively, "How are you holding up?"

She looked at him, her eyes filled with tears, "Do you hate me for it Harry?"

"No," he said, "I understand. Do whatever you want Hermione; don't let us hold you back, especially Ron. I'm sure he didn't mean to get that mad, you know how he over reacts. Don't worry Hermione, I'm here for you."

Hermione smiled, tears falling down onto her cheeks, "Thanks Harry, that means a lot to me."

A cry of corn filled the air, "CORN!" Something warm smashed into Harry's face. He looked down, a cob of corn was nestled in his lap. He glanced around and caught Fred's eye, who winked.

"OI FUCK OFF, FRED!"

Harry heard Fred laugh in the background as he and Hermione stared into the fire.

The flames sent warmth over his body and he was disappointed when he next checked his watch and saw it was five to eight. He rose from the couch and tore himself away from the warmth.

Outside, the chill air nipped at his skin. As he neared the lake he could see a figure sitting, waiting on the bench on the bank.

Harry walked around to the front of it and sat down next to Draco.

"I'm glad you came," said Malfoy, "I've been wanting to explain this for a while." His grey eyes were twinkling in the moonlight as he looked into the depths of the lake. He sighed, not knowing where to start.

"Why is it that whenever people are near us you become such a dickhead?" prompted Harry.

Draco laughed, "Dickhead? Thanks. I…I can't let anyone see me liking you, Harry. I'm a Malfoy, if- if father ever heard word, from- from anyone he would kill me. So I'm sorry but I just-"

"It's okay," said Harry, he felt he had a similar problem between him and Ron.

"But the things I say, you know I don't mean them?"

Harry nodded slowly, "What about the other things you say…?" He swore he saw Draco's cheeks tint slightly in the moonlight.

"Do you mean them?" Harry asked softly. Malfoy didn't answer. He stared straight ahead. Harry hesitantly put his hand on Draco's leg, he felt the muscles tighten inside, but then slowly relax.

The night was so peaceful. Harry could hear Draco's hushed breathing, his own and…was that a third…

He shook his head and turned back to Malfoy.

"Draco?"

"Yes," his voice was faint and delicate.

"Yes- those things are true?" quivered Harry.

Silence once again. Harry cursed in his head but then- "…Yes."

Harry's heart began to beat faster, a wonderful feeling seeping through his body. He didn't know what to do next. Except- no he couldn't, could he?

But Malfoy did it for him…

They pulled apart from the heated kiss, breathing heavily.

"Ah…ah…I…um," faltered Draco, looking down at his feet. "I'm- I'm sorry Harry. Don't worry, it'll never happen again." He looked up and saw Harry, his eyes alive, mouth grinning broadly. Malfoy looked relieved and ran his fingers through his silky blonde hair. "Well then," he said, a naughty look dancing in his eyes, he flashed his teeth, "perhaps it _will_ happen again."

Too right, thought Harry. He stared out over the shimmering lake. The air around them was freezing; a violent shiver ran through his body. Draco looked at him and smiled, removing his coat and wrapping it around Harry's shoulders. After a while Harry felt Draco begin to shiver. He watched as Malfoy bit his lip and pretended he wasn't cold. Harry smiled to himself, he pulled off the coat. Malfoy smiled graciously, Harry looked at his watch. It was 9.30pm. "Shit, we better get back to the castle…"

As they strolled back up the slope, Harry took Malfoy's hand. They reached the staircase up to the Gryffindor common room and Harry thought he felt someone brush past him- there was no one there.

"Until we meet again," winked Malfoy. He let go of Harry's hand and walked away, then stopped and turned, "Oh and Harry, when we're around people-"

"Yeah I know," finished Harry, "You're gunna be a dickhead again. Don't worry I'm fine with it."

They both laughed and Draco waved and walked off.

Harry quietly opened the dormitory door and looked in- it was empty. He entered the room and began undressing. A small cough sounded from Ron's bed. Harry's invisibility cloak lay on the floor at Ron's feet. His face was white; he had never looked angrier in his life.

"Hi Harry, so where have you been? I was starting to get worried," Ron said in a sweet tone.

"Oh…I um…" Harry stuttered.

"You've been out kissing boys again, how awfully sweet," Ron continued pleasantly.

"I don't know what you're talking about…" Harry calmly denied. He knew he was in deep shit.

"Don't deny it Harry, I saw it all…" Ron's voice lowered dangerously.

"I…he…it was a trap!" yelled Harry trying to think of any excuse he could find.

"No Harry, you wanted it this way. You love him, don't you Harry? Admit it." Ron sat on his bed trying to breathe calmly but failing. He put his head in his hands and began to yell at the top of his lungs.

"YOU NEVER LOVED ME HARRY! IT WAS JUST A HUGE LIE! YOU'VE LIKED MALFOY FROM THE START! I SOMETIMES THINK I'D BE BETTER OFF DEAD. I HAVE NO ONE NOW! I'M SO ALONE! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT! YOU CAN GET ON WITH YOUR PERFECT LIFE AND I'LL GO AND END MINE!" Ron completely lost it.

"But…no Ron, don't, I didn't mean to…but I do love…" Harry was struggling to hold back the tears.

All of a sudden the door opened, Fred poked his head in.

"OI CORN!" he went to throw a corn at them then stopped when he saw Ron was bawling his eyes out.

"Oh sorry boys, not a good time I see, I'll come back later." He made the thumbs up gesture and winked before closing the door behind him. Harry heard him shout out, "Oi George! Don't bring up the rest; bit of a domestic going on up there, we'll pay McGonagall a little visit instead." Then the sound of Fred's footsteps on the stairway grew fainter.

"YOU'RE THE BIGGEST FUCKING BASTARD! ALL I EVER AM IS NICE TO YOU! YOU LED ME ON! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU OF ALL PEOPLE HAVE CHEATED ON ME WITH THAT SCUM MALFOY! HE'S SUCH A LITTLE POOF!" Ron continued to scream as though nothing had ever interrupted them. The last comment about Malfoy tipped Harry over the edge. He'd had enough of Ron's abuse; it was time to tell Ron how he really felt.

"No Ron, I NEVER FUCKING LIKED YOU! YOU WERE THE ONE THAT FORCED ME INTO IT! IF YOU THINK BACK I NEVER SAID I LOVED YOU AND YOU ALWAYS MADE THE FIRST MOVE! I WANTED TO TELL YOU BUT I KNEW YOU WOULD REACT LIKE THIS! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! LAY OFF MALFOY! HE'S GOT HIS OWN PROBLEMS TO WORRY ABOUT NOW! I DON'T EVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN! IF YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF, GO AHEAD IT'S YOUR CHOICE!" Harry turned his back on Ron and began to frantically search through his trunk for his pyjamas.

"FINE! IF THAT'S THE WAY IT HAS TO BE! SEE YOU IN HELL HARRY!" Ron stormed out of the room. Harry didn't see him again that night.

------

"I'm so happy for you Harry," said Hermione beaming, "I always knew there was something up with Malfoy. He always acted so odd around you. Too bad about Ron though…"

They both stared blankly into space. It was the next morning. The first snow of the season had begun to fall, so everyone was outside. Harry and Hermione were sitting on the same couch as last night in front of the fire in the common room. They had the whole room to themselves. The sound of the portrait swinging open and footsteps on the carpet told them some one was coming, They both turned and waited for someone to come through the entrance. The footsteps stopped and there, his hair messed and his shirt half tucked in, was Ron.

"Hi," he said, his voice hoarse. Both Hermione and Harry stared not knowing what to say.

"Can I sit down?" Ron asked, "I've got something I need to explain."

Hermione nodded, Harry stared blankly.

Ron took an armchair next to their couch and cleared his throat, "Recent events have caused me to stop and think about my life and actions, and how those actions affect those close to me," he looked Harry and Hermione in the eyes individually.

"I admit that those actions might have gone a bit too far at times-" Harry snorted, Hermione elbowed him.

"And I apologise. Harry, I'm- I'm really sorry, I had no idea you felt that way, I – I was just getting too carried away with it all, and Hermione, you-" he stopped closed his eyes tight as though struggling to say whatever came next. "-You can do what ever you want with your life, even (sigh) even if that means (sigh) lesbian screwing my sister, - but that's not the point, the point is that you guys are my best friends and you deserve what's best for you. So please, can you forgive me? Can we go back to being just friends again?"

"Of course!" cried Hermione, running over and throwing her arms around Ron's neck.

"W- what about you, Harry?" asked Ron.

Harry sat staring, his face grave, "You called Malfoy a 'little poof'," he said calmly.

"Harry…" said Hermione, shooting a glare of warning at him.

He laughed, "I'm just kidding!'

"ABOUT TIME!" came a voice from behind the drapes. They all spun around. George appeared holding a basket of corn. "CORN ANYONE?"

Harry felt something warm hit his face, for the second day in a row a cob of corn was nestled in his lap. From behind the couch Fred laughed, "WOO!"


	11. The Most Inappropriate Time

AN: Yes, thats right, a new chapter. excited scream so this one is a bit of a cliffhanger and being the lovely people that we are, my twin and i have decided to leave this chapter as the last posted for at least a week. We want you guys on the edge of your seats to find out wat happens next. If we dont get enough reviws, the longer we keep you waiting...deal? so in about a week or so, if we have obtained enough reviws we will post more. Enjoy Everyone! This is one of my favourite chapters ever!

Blaze-Splinder Froste

**DUE TO A COMPLAINT THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN ALTERED. THE LINE REMOVED WAS NOTHING THAT WILL EFFECT THE PLOT, IT WAS SOMETHING DISCRIMINATIVE THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN PUT IN IN THE FIRST PLACE. -Froste**

-CHAPTER ELEVEN-

**The Most Inappropriate Time**

Harry woke on Tuesday morning to find the dormitory empty. He lay back and smiled happily to himself. Life couldn't be better, him and Ron were friends again, Hermione had found love of her own- even if it was strange, and Harry was finally getting somewhere with Malfoy.

The blissful thoughts were quickly interrupted by Fred who poked his head through the door. Harry automatically recoiled in fear.

"No, it's alright mate, McGonagall confiscated our whole supply of corn last night. All but the basket under George's bed!" Fred cackled evilly, "But no, I came for a different reason. Have you heard? That annoying prick Colin Creevy was petrified last night. Frozen stiff he is… Of course Dumbledore's trying to keep it quiet but George and I have been telling as many people as possible." It was only after hearing this that Harry took his hand away from his face. He was about to ask how Fred knew about this but Fred had already disappeared.

Thirty seconds later he heard Hermione scream, "Enough with the vegetables already!" from the common room below.

After breakfast Harry, Ron and Hermione were walking across the Entrance Hall when they saw a small knot of people gathered around the notice board, reading a newly posted notice.

"Oh there's going to be a dueling club! First meeting tonight!" squealed Hermione with excitement.

"Hmm, could be useful…" suggested Ron.

At 8 o'clock that evening the three of them along with most of the Gryffindors hurried back down to the Great Hall.

The dining tables had vanished and a golden stage had appeared along one wall, lit by thousands of candles floating overhead.

Most of the school seemed to be packed beneath it, all carrying their wands and looking excited.

"I wonder who will be teaching us?" Hermione asked excitedly.

"Just as long as it's not-" Harry began but he ended on a groan. Gilderoy Lockhart had walked onto the stage. He wore robes of deep plum and was accompanied by Severus Snape, wearing his usual black.

Lockhart walked to the middle of the stage giving Harry an obvious wink as he passed. He raised his hand for silence, "Come, gather round! Can everybody see me?" The crowd moved in.

"That's the ticket," Lockhart flashed his white teeth and there were hundreds of gasps from the females in the audience, and the occasional male.

"Now, Professor Dumbledore has granted me permission to start this little club, to

train you all up in case you ever need to defend yourselves as I have done myself on

countless occasions- for full details see my published works. We now have Professor Snape who knows a little about dueling, to help me with the demonstration." Lockhart and Snape turned to face each other and bowed; at least Lockhart did, with much twirling of his hands. Snape just jerked his head irritably. Then they raised their wands like swords in front of them.

"As you see, we are holding our wands in the accepted combative position," Lockhart told the silent crowd, "On the count of three we will cast our first spells. Neither of us will be aiming to kill, of course."

"One- Two- Three-"

Both of them swung their wands up and over their shoulders. Snape cried, "_Expelliarmus!_"

There was a dazzling flash of scarlet light and Lockhart was blasted off his feet. He flew backwards off the stage smashed into the wall and slid down it to sprawl on the floor. Most of the boys cheered. The girls all gasped.

"Oh! Is he alright?" a rather feminine boy asked in a high pitched elegant voice.

"Who gives a shit?" said Ron bitterly and added, "Bloody gays," under his breath.

Lockhart was getting unsteadily to his feet. His hat had fallen off his and wavy hair was standing on end.

"Well, there you have it!" he said, tottering back onto the platform, "That was a disarming charm- as you see, I've lost my wand- yes it was very obvious what Professor Snape was about to do. If I had wanted to stop him it would have been only too easy."

Snape was looking murderous. Lockhart had noticed because he quickly said, "Enough demonstrating! Let's get some of you up here to have a go! Harry! Ron! Why don't you get up here and show us what you can do?"

Both boys smiled proudly and pushed through the crowd to the stage.

Snape's voice cut coldly through the excited chatter, "Weasley's wand causes damage beyond repair. We'd be taking Potter up to the hospital wing in a matchbox! Perhaps someone from my own house? Hmm, maybe Malfoy! Come on boy get up here!"

Ron looked like he was about to explode. He vented his anger however by breaking his already broken wand into four pieces, before Hermione pulled him back into the crowd.

Malfoy got up onto the stage and strutted around to cheers from the Slytherins.

"Right boys! Face each other and bow!" called Lockhart excitedly. Harry and Malfoy barely inclined their heads, not taking their eyes off each other. Malfoy winked at Harry. Harry felt himself going red.

"Wands at the ready!" shouted Lockhart, "When I count to three, cast your charms to disarm your opponent- only to disarm them- we don't want any accidents. One- Two- Three…"

Harry swung his wand over his shoulder, but Malfoy had already started on two. His spell hit Harry so hard he felt as though he'd been hit over the head with a saucepan. He stumbled, but everything still seemed to be working, and wasting no more time Harry pointed his wand straight at Malfoy and shouted, "_Rictusempra!_" a jet of silver light hit Malfoy in the stomach and he doubled up, wheezing.

He sank to his knees in a fit of laughter; Harry had hit him with a tickling charm. Bewitching Malfoy was hard for Harry, but he knew he was doing the right thing. Malfoy wanted to keep their relationship a secret, so that's what he would do.

Gaping for breath, Malfoy pointed his wand at Harry's knees and choked,

"_Serpensortia!_" The end of his wand exploded. Harry watched aghast as a long pink snake shot out of it, fell heavily onto the floor between them and raised itself, ready to strike.

There were gasps all around the Great Hall. The crowd backed swiftly away, clearing the floor.

A yell came from the far corner, "Hey! Is that a giant dick!" Harry looked towards the voice. The person next to the kid gave him a shove, "No you idiot! It's an albino snake! Only the most talented wizards and witches can conjure up albino snakes." Harry saw the girl was from Slytherin- obviously a Draco Malfoy worshipper.

"Don't move, Potter," said Snape lazily, clearly enjoying the sight of Harry standing motionless, eye to eye with an angry snake, "I'll get rid of it."

"ALLOW ME!" shouted Lockhart. He brandished his wand at the snake, which remotely looked like a slithering penis with a mouth.

There was a loud bang; the snake, instead of vanishing, flew ten feet into the air and fell back to the floor with a loud smack. Enraged, hissing furiously, it slithered straight towards Justin Finch- Fletchley and raised itself again, fangs exposed poised to strike.

Harry wasn't sure what made him do it. He wasn't even aware of deciding to do it. All he knew was that his legs were carrying him forward as though he was on castors and that he had shouted stupidly at the snake, "Leave him!" and miraculously the snake slumped to the floor, docile as a thick pink- penis.

Harry felt the fear drain out of him. He knew the snake wouldn't attack anyone now, though how he knew it, he couldn't explain. He looked up at Justin grinning, expecting to see him looking relieved, or puzzled, or even grateful but certainly not angry and scared.

"What the fucking hell do you think you're playing at?" he shouted. Before Harry could say anything Justin had turned and stormed out of the Hall.

Snape stepped forward, waved his wand and the snake vanished in a small puff of black smoke. Snape, too, was looking at Harry in an unexpected way: it was a shrewd and calculating look, and Harry didn't like it.

The there was a tugging on the back of his robes. He turned, Malfoy whispered, "Nice duel Potter, lets do it again sometime-" he licked his lips sensuously, "I'm sorry…" he looked down.

Harry whispered back, "I know, it's what we have to do…" Crabbe and Goyle walked over and started insulting Harry. Malfoy's voice suddenly turned cold- "Yeh, that's right Potter, stay the fuck away from me you FREAK!" but as he said it his eyes looked warmly into Harry's. Malfoy walked off sniggering with Crabbe and Goyle.

Ron came up to Harry. His face red with obvious anger, he opened his mouth but Hermione shoved him in the ribs.

"C'mon Harry…" Hermione steered Harry out of the hall, Ron hurrying alongside them.

As they went through the doors, the people on either side drew away as though they were frightened of catching something.

They got to the empty Gryffindor common room and Ron pushed Harry into an armchair, and looked as though if he opened his mouth he would scream. He opened his mouth and took a huge breath in.

Harry braced himself for a string of angry insults. Hermione pushed Ron out of the way before he had a chance to say anything.

"Harry, you're a parselmouth! Why didn't you tell us?"

"I'm a what?"

"A parselmouth, you can talk to snakes," said Hermione loudly.

"Yeah, once I set a boa constrictor on my cousin Dudley at the zoo- long story. So- I bet loads of people can do it."

"No Harry, it's not very common, this is bad." Hermione was getting panicky.

"What's bad? What the hell is wrong with everyone? Listen if I hadn't told that snake not to attack Justin-"

"Oh that's what you said to it?" Hermione didn't look convinced.

"Yeah, didn't you hear me?" Harry asked getting quite frustrated.

"We heard you speaking parseltongue Harry, we can't understand it. It sounded like you were egging it on or something." Harry gaped. Hermione looked as though someone had just died.

"I don't see what's so fucking bad! So what if I can talk to giant slithering penis-snakes…Just because you can't! Well boo-hoo go cry me a fucking river Hermione!" Harry once again lost it.

All of a sudden Harry slipped off the armchair and onto the floor. He was convulsing violently. He started foaming at the mouth. His eyes once again turned red with a green rim. He was shaking and convulsing all over the carpet. He started throwing up and wet his pants.

"Harry! Oh my god! Harry can you hear me? What's happening to him? HELP! Oh someone help him! Ron HELP!" Hermione was kneeling as close to Harry as she could.

"Don't look at me…" Ron said calmly and walked up the dormitory stairs. Hermione was in tears. Harry's convulsing stopped and he sat up quickly.

He bought his knees into his chest. He started rocking backwards and forwards murmuring, "Must find Malfoy," continually under his breath.

"It's ok Harry, it's over now, you're going to be ok," Hermione moved to put her arm around Harry. He turned his head and stared blankly at her as though he could see straight through her. She looked into his still glowing eyes, "Harry?"

"Who the FUCK are you! Get off me!" Harry screamed frightened. He started pulling off his soiled clothes. He ripped his shirt off and pulled off his shoes and pants. He stood up and pulled his boxers off and threw them to the ground, "Who the HELL put those things on me? Was it YOU!" he screamed violently at Hermione. She cowered in the corner.

"Harry… I really think you should calm down and put your clothes back on."

"CALM DOWN! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE BITCH! DON'T MOTHER FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" he stormed out of the room and slammed the portrait hole shut behind him. Hermione followed him frantically.

She got out into the corridor. Harry was no where to be seen, "Harry! Harry! Come back! It's cold out! HARRY!" she collapsed in a heap on the stone floor and cried hysterically.

Ron had seen the whole thing from the stairs. It was only now that the common room was empty that he came back down. He saw Harry's clothes lying on the floor. He looked guiltily around the room- no one was there.

He swiftly crossed the room and picked up Harry's boxers. He raised them to his nose and sniffed them deeply.

The scent turned him on at the most inappropriate time. He heard the click of the portrait door opening and he quickly threw the boxers two metres into the air. They floated to the ground beside him just as Ginny entered with her arm around a hysterical Hermione.

She looked up and saw Ron, "Oh Ron! Harry's run off, possibly into the snow! And he's NAKED!"

A/N: Yep you got it, the almighty cliffhanger! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! tell ur friends to review, tell EVERYONE! stay tuned to find out what happens to Harry! B.S. Froste


	12. Ex mas

**A/N: **Thankyou to the 8 out of 186 people who read the last chapter and took their time to review. We appreciate that you gave a moment of your time to read the chapter, but not only that, you also gave us a shout about what you thought and some of you even came up with theories of what happened to Harry. Yep, good question, wtf did happen Harry? ...

But anywho, we quite (ok more than quite, _really_) enjoy reading your reviews and replying. So thanks again guys. On the other hand to the other 178 of you, all it takes is to click that little button that says 'go' next to the option of submit review, then when the screen comes up, u can write till ur little hearts content, anything along the lines of a simple "more" or "update", and the occasional "this sux balls" is always a personal favourite. So this time we'd really like to hear from a few more of you, else wise how will we know if you want more? So until then, Madley-Tassida.

on with the show…

-CHAPTER TWELVE-

**Ex-mas**

The next thing Harry knew he was lying curled up on the stone floor in the dungeons. He had a throbbing headache; he was cold, hungry and naked. He couldn't remember anything about how he got there. He rubbed his eyes and sat up. He looked around. He had no idea where he was. He suddenly heard footsteps coming down the corridor towards him. He hurried to cover himself up.

"What's cookin' good lookin'?" came the voice. Harry squinted through the darkness. It was Malfoy. Harry blushed. (A/N: now I personally don't think Draco would say this, not with his place in society, but Blaze insists it's left.)

"Everyone's looking for you, you better get to Gryffindor tower before McGonagall has a break down."

"How did I get here? What happened?" Harry asked puzzled.

"You ran away apparently, Granger claims you wanted to find me. Look it's sweet, but it could have blown our cover. So next time be more careful." Malfoy smiled at Harry.

He struggled to his feet, stiff and cold.

"Here, put this on." Malfoy handed him his cloak.

"Thanks." Harry pulled it on and wrapped his arms around his body.

"Well, if anyone asks, some one else found you. Just walk to the end of this corridor, turn right and the stairs will lead you back to the entrance hall." He ruffled Harry's hair. "I'm glad you're ok."

Harry made his way quietly back to the Gryffindor common room. He entered the portrait hole and walked into the warm room. There was a squeal from the corner of the room. Hermione ran up to Harry and threw her arms around his neck, "You're ok! Oh Harry, I was so worried! Fancy running off naked into the snow! Oh everyone's out looking for you. Except Ron, he's been in the dormitory ever since you went missing. He won't come out. I've had no sleep since. You were missing for two days." Harry pulled away from Hermione and looked into her eyes. They were bloodshot, red rimmed and had huge black bags under them.

"What happened? I don't remember anything. Two days…shit!"

"You had some sort of fit or something after I told you that you're a parselmouth."

"Oh, I remember the parselmouth bit. Nothing after that though." Harry yawned tiredly.

"You went crazy! You started yelling at me like you didn't know who I was. Then you removed all your clothes and ran off. McGonagall's about to have a breakdown!"

Just then the portrait hole opened and an extremely stressed Professor

McGonagall walked in, "Oh Potter! You're alive! Oh, thank god you're ok! Look at the state of you! Off to bed I think." She guided Harry up the stairs and into the dormitory. "Now get some sleep and don't come out until you're fully recovered, the Christmas holidays started yesterday." She shut the door behind him. Harry looked over to Ron's bed. Ron had shut the curtains of his four-poster. Harry changed into his pyjamas and crawled into bed. He was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He didn't wake up until the next afternoon.

He got up and dressed. The curtains around Ron's bed were still closed. Harry spent Christmas Eve alone in the common room. It wasn't until Harry went upstairs that he

ran into Ron. All the other boys had gone home for Christmas break so they were alone. Harry walked in tired and ready for bed when he bumped into Ron.

"Oh, hi Ron! Haven't seen you for a while. I had a fit or something. I can't really remember much," Harry tried to make it as light and happy as possible.

"Yeah, I know," grunted Ron.

"Well, it's Christmas tomorrow. Excited?" Harry tried to keep the conversation going.

"Yeh, real excited," Ron said sarcastically.

"Well, I've got you a present!" Harry said cheerfully but was quickly losing his enthusiasm.

"Oh…" Ron looked up; he seemed less cold all of a sudden.

"But you'll have to wait until tomorrow to open it," Harry teased.

"Oh, of course," Ron looked up towards the ceiling, "Oh, it seems we're under the mistletoe Harry."

"Uh oh!" Harry looked up and sure enough there was a bunch of mistletoe hanging from the roof above them, "Well, we… we can't… it doesn't matter…" Harry turned away but Ron caught his arm and pulled him back. Before Harry knew it Ron pressed his soft warm lips to Harry's. When he pulled away Ron smiled at him, "Couldn't have you getting boils all over your face if we didn't…"

Harry just turned his back and climbed into bed. His lips tingled on the spot that they had touched Ron's. Harry had quite a restless sleep that night, full of dreams of Ron and Draco.

------

Christmas morning dawned bright and early. The boys were woken by Hermione who stormed into the dormitory and threw their bedclothes off.

"Come on! It's Christmas! Let's open presents!" she said joyfully.

"Pezenz…wah…buu Herminghnee it's szz am…" Harry mumbled, his brain thick with sleep.

"Yes, I know it's 6am Harry, but it's Christmas! Come on, get up! Hurry! Before Fred and George bring out more vegetables," Hermione said warningly.

Ten minutes later both boys were dressed and walked into the common room bleary eyed and carrying handfuls of presents, to find Hermione and Ginny sitting together on an armchair. Ron was too tired to care.

They exchanged gifts excitedly. From Hermione Harry got a handy book called '_How to Cope with Liking the Same Sex!_' From Hagrid he got a box of chocolate frogs in which he found a rather disturbing 'Christmas edition' Dumbledore card- Harry, seeing the nude portrait, once again wondered how on earth he found men more attractive than women. Then he remembered Mrs Weasley… maybe I'll stick to men…he thought to himself. From Mrs Weasley he got a pink knitted jumper and a large plum cake. Ron's knitted jumper was purple- the international colour of gays- Harry noted.

The best present of all would have to be the present Malfoy had gotten him. Of course the sender was 'anonymous' but Harry knew Malfoy had sent it. It was the album '_Jazz_' by _Queen- _Harry's favourite band- for obvious reasons. He quite admired Freddie Mercury. '_Jazz_' was his favourite of their albums, although he had also gotten

the _'Best of_ _Queen'_ from Ron, who insisted he put it on right away. Harry would've

preferred putting '_Jazz_' on- but he didn't want to hurt Ron's feelings. So he walked over to the CD player and put in the disk.

"Oh, we're just going for a walk, we'll see you later." Hermione and Ginny exited the common room holding hands. Ron didn't seem to mind much.

Harry turned the music up. It was on his favourite song – '_You're My Best Friend_' he was singing loudly to it- smiling as he danced around the room. He caught Ron's eye and smiled broadly. Ron didn't smile back. Instead he walked over to the CD player and switched the song to '_Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy_' Ron began to dance crazily around the room and began to sing at the top of his lungs.

"Ooh love- oh lover boy, what're you doing tonight, hey boy. Everything's alright-" he came up to Harry, put his arms around him and pulled him close, swaying back and forth- "Just hold on tight, that's because I'm a good old-fashioned lover boy!" Ron stopped when he saw the expression on Harry's face and he dropped his arms.

"No Ron, you're _not _a good old-fashioned lover boy to anyone and certainly not me," Harry glared at him, "There's a song I think you ought to hear." Harry pulled out his '_Jazz_' album and put it on.

"Hey, where'd you get that from?" Ron asked angrily.

"I got it from Draco actually," Harry sneered. He put the song '_Jealousy_' on and sung the words really loudly, looking Ron in the eye, "Oh how wrong can you be? Oh, to fall in love was my very first mistake!" He sung the chorus even louder, "How, how, how, all my jealousy!"

"Fine! I don't care what you think! If you like Malfoy's CD better than mine, I'll just take it back then shall I?" Ron grabbed the CD case and stormed up to the dormitory.

Harry, feeling quite happy with himself, went to put '_Jazz_' back into it's case when he saw the '_Best Of_' CD lying on the table.

"Oh he's a nob," Harry cackled and put both CDs into the case. He put it with his pile of presents and decided to go down for breakfast.

The rest of the day was spent with Fred, George, Hermione and Ginny in the Gryffindor common room, by the fire, playing wizard's chess. Once again Ron failed to show any sign of life.

No one could fail to enjoy the Christmas dinner at Hogwarts. The Great Hall was decorated with trees, holly and mistletoe and enchanted snow fell from the ceiling.

Percy, who hadn't noticed George had stuck a cob of corn down the back of his jumper, kept asking what they were all sniggering at.

They finished their third helpings of pudding and headed to bed. Harry walked into the dormitory to find it pitch black with only the moonlight to see by. He crawled over to his four-poster bed and fumbled around for his trunk. He heard a sniffing sound followed by a choked sob. He got up and looked over at Ron's bed. Ron was lying on the bed fully clothed, crying quietly. The tears running down his cheeks glistened in the weak moonlight. Harry walked over to the bed and sat down on the end, he started to rub Ron's back. Ron didn't move or say anything but his sobbing became less violent, so now silent tears rolled down his cheeks.

"It's ok Ron, don't worry about it. I'm not angry with you." Harry reached into his pocket and pulled out the cake he'd wrapped in a napkin to eat later. He put it on Ron's bedside table and leaned over to whisper,

"Merry Christmas Ron," he wiped the tears from Ron's face with his sleeve and bent over and kissed Ron on the cheek.

He got up and went back to his own bed. Not another word was said between the boys that night.

When Harry woke the next morning only crumbs were left on the napkin and Ron was gone.

Harry dressed and went down for breakfast. He found Ron sitting at the table alone. Everyone else had already eaten and left. Harry sat down beside him and took a bowl of porridge.

"Morning," Harry said brightly.

"Morning…" Ron seemed hesitant.

"So, what do you wanna do today? It's a nice day, we could go visit Hagrid." Harry suggested.

"Nah…" Ron was focusing on his toast.

"Oh…well how about-" Harry was cut off.

"Hermione reckons the potion's almost ready," Ron interrupted, "She wants us to go there when we're finished."

"Yeah, ok, we'll head down in a minute."

Harry quickly finished his porridge and the two of them left the Great Hall. On their way, Ron performed another one of his speeches.

"Look Harry, I've thought about what you said. I am too jealous. I should be happy for you that you've found someone that can make you happy…and horny, that's more than I could ever give you. So…I'm just going to stay out of your business with Malfoy from now on, ok?" Ron looked at the ground.

"So you admit you were wrong?" Harry wanted to rub it in a bit more.

"Yes, Harry, I was wrong." Ron continued to look at his feet.

"Ok Ron, I forgive you." Harry was trying not to laugh. Ron looked up grinning; clearly relieved his apology had been accepted.

They reached the bathroom on the second floor and entered. Luckily this time Hermione was sitting in the floor next to the cauldron instead of a pile of clothes.

"Hey Hermione," Harry sat down beside her.

"Ok, I think it's finally ready. There's just one final ingredient," Hermione said, running her finger down the page of the huge potions novel they had stolen from the library over three months ago.

"What is it?" asked Ron concerned.

"Says here, the final ingredient to complete the Polyjuice Potion is…oh god," Hermione's eyes widened as she read the recipe.

"WHAT! WHAT!" Ron was leaning forward to look at the book.

"Pubic hairs of the person you want to change into…" Hermione sighed.

"Shit…" Ron looked down at the floor.

"How the hell…?" Harry thought out loud. Hermione looked disappointed.

"Guess we can't do it then," Ron said.

"No! We have to! By tonight we will have the hairs and transform! That's _final_!" Hermione was determined to make their plan work.

"But how are we going to get Crabbe and Goyle's pubes by tonight?" Ron looked at Hermione as though she was crazy.

"Go up to Percy's dorm. Under his bed you will find a stash of magazines-"

"What the hell are those things, aye?" Harry interrupted.

"Don't ask questions, just do it. So take two of the magazines. But don't open them and especially don't get caught! Then take them down to the entrance hall and wait

until Crabbe and Goyle come out from dinner. Make sure they find the magazines, and then hit them with sleeping charms. Then they're all yours. Remember to get their clothes too."

"Ok, sounds easy enough, but won't people see us dragging them around?" Harry asked.

"Don't worry, I'll create a diversion. I'll do it at seven o'clock. So be ready. Hopefully they will have already left by then. They're always the first ones to leave. Probably stuff themselves so full they have to run to the toilet straight after every meal."

"Ok, we'll be ready for seven. Then we'll meet you here at 7.30pm." Ron looked excited.

"Yep, ok, you go get the magazines and I'll head off to the Slytherin girls' bathroom." Hermione had an evil grin on her face.

They separated, which left Ron and Harry alone, again.

"I wanna know what those bloody black wrapped magazines are!" Ron was quite frustrated.

"Yeah, what on earth could they be? I don't know why everyone seems to like them so much." Harry was equally as frustrated.

They reached the common room and headed straight to the sixth years' dormitory.

"Ok, we have to be quick, straight in, straight out," Ron spoke in a low voice. They opened the door and took two steps in. Harry could have fainted at the scene he witnessed next.

Percy was there alright, and he was on top of a girl. They were both completely naked and obviously hadn't heard the two boys come in.

Percy was screaming out, "Almost there! Just a bit more! Oh, fuck me harder baby! That's the shit!"

The girl was screaming at the top of her lungs, "Oh Percy! Harder! Harder!"

Then Percy let out one loud groan. "Ohh, there we go…" He then sat up so he was straddling the girl. He had his back to the door so he still hadn't seen the boys staring, dumbfounded.

The first thing Harry noticed when Percy sat up was the girl's extremely large breasts; her nipples were hard and erect. If seeing them wasn't enough, Percy then began to touch her breasts. He then bent over and started sensuously licking them. His tongue running smoothly down her naked sweaty body until he got to her lower abdomen. The girl lifter he head and saw Harry and Ron standing, staring. She let out an ear-piercing scream.

Percy got up straight away and turned around. The girl covered herself up in a bed sheet and ran from the dormitory.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Percy screamed, he hastily pulled on his boxers, but failed to cover his obvious erection. He ran after the girl, yelling, "Penelope wait! It's ok! Penelope!"

"Shit…" Ron was still staring, completely taken aback.

"Yeah…" Harry was also totally shocked.

"Oh shit, we better get those magazines before Percy gets back. I don't want to be here when he does come back," Ron said, snapping out of his daze finally.

"Yeah, quick, under the bed." Harry walked across to the four-poster and got onto his hands and knees. Ron followed.

"Anything?" he asked.

"There's lots of those little blue packets from Herbology, and a few balloon like things with white shit in them…"

"Oh…any magazines?"

"Umm…" Harry shoved his head under the bed even further and spotted a pile of black wrapped magazines, "Yeah, I'll grab two…"

Harry reached in and took two off the large pile.

"Ok, quick, let's get out of here before Percy comes back!" Ron warned.

"Yeah quick!" They ran out, shutting the door behind them.

Once safely out in the corridor they decided the library was the best place to hide out because Percy would never think to look for them there.

-------

Crabbe and Goyle, who always did whatever Malfoy did, had signed up to stay over the holidays too. But Harry was glad that most people had left. He was tired of people skirting around him in the corridors, tired of all the muttering, pointing and hissing as he passed.

Fred and George, however, found all this very funny. They went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors, shouting, "Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through…"

Percy was deeply disapproving of this behaviour.

"It is _not_ a laughing matter," he said coldly.

"Oh, get out of the way, Percy," said Fred, "Harry's in a hurry."

"Yeah, he's nipping off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea," said George chortling.

Harry didn't mind; it made him feel better that Fred and George, at least, thought the idea of him being Slytherin's heir was quite ludicrous. But their antics seemed to be aggravating Draco Malfoy, who looked increasingly sour each time he saw them at it.

"It's because he's _bursting_ to say it's really him," Ron had said bitterly. "You know how he hates anyone beating him at anything. Especially when it's his boyfriend getting all the credit for his dirty work."

Harry had agreed to still go along with the Polyjuice Potion idea even though he didn't believe it was Malfoy doing the attacks. Although Harry was still a little curious as to what Malfoy was going to tell them. They had never really discussed the attacks or the Chamber together; in fact, they hadn't socially met up since the night by the lake. The school timetable and homework meant that they were always too busy. So Harry was looking forward to talking to his boyfriend again, and being disguised as one of his best friends meant he would probably tell Harry anything he wanted to know. Harry had planned to somehow get Draco alone and ask him some really deep questions…but for now he would just have to wait and see what would happen.

-------

By the time seven o'clock came around they had stationed themselves behind a large statue in the entrance hall, wands at the ready.

Crabbe and Goyle- as planned- were the first ones to leave dinner and were walking towards the steps that lead down to the dungeons.

"Quick, now!" Ron whispered. Harry quickly muttered a spell under his breath and the two black wrapped magazines flew over to Crabbe and Goyle, floating in mid-air.

"Wicked! Check out these!" Crabbe yelled to Goyle, taking one of the magazines and stopping to open it.

"Cool! And they're free!" Goyle did the same.

At that moment Harry muttered a sleeping jinx that hit the two oafs so hard they crashed to the floor instantly asleep.

"What an excellent idea of Hermione's- distract them with magazines- ingenious!"

Just then there was an ear-piercing scream from the Great Hall- "RAPE!"

"Quick, that'll be Hermione's distraction, lets drag them into that broom cupboard," Harry whispered.

They dragged the two obese Slytherins to the broom cupboard across the hall with great difficulty.

"Ok, first we'll have to strip off, then we'll get the hairs and then put their robes on…" said Harry reluctantly.

"Oh, cool," Ron seemed oddly enthusiastic.

Harry started taking his clothes off quickly. He looked over at Ron. Ron's eyes opened wide, he backed up against the wall holding his crotch. He sunk slowly to the floor, whimpering.

Harry turned away and began undressing Goyle. Behind him he could hear Ron unzipping his fly. Harry frowned- he could hear panting… he shook his head and pulled on Goyle's uniform. The panting turned to fast moaning, Harry tried to block out the sound.

Ron let out a stifled cry and his heavy breathing slowed. He got up and quickly changed.


	13. Green With Envy

**A/N: **A nice turn out in reviews, thanks guys. But still when compared with the stats... I just want to say, is it really fair that we have given you our story that we have slaved over for the past 6 months and you guys read it giving us nothing in return? All we ask for is a simple acknowledgment that you are enjoying, which clearly you must be to have read this far. Just a drop in to say hi,i like it, cmon guys, take one for the team. If not, i suppsoe we will give up harrassing u but we'll be disapointed that you couldnt even spare a minture of ur time... ah well guess u cant have everything.

But on a happier note (well sort of) our parents are back from scotland on monday , so we decided to kick off our celebration/mourning of our last few nights of freedom with a post. And then to go along with the irish spirit of St. Patricks we've decided to get a little...merry :D

So until next time, M.T. Froste, the Froste Twins

-CHAPTER THIRTEEN-

**_Green with Envy _**

Harry knocked softly on the cubicle door.

"Hermione?"

They heard the scrape of the lock and Hermione emerged shiny-faced and looking anxious.

"Did you get them?" she asked breathlessly.

Ron showed her Crabbe's pube.

"Good." The boys shuffled into the cubicle with her and stared at the potion. Close up, it looked like thick, dark mud, bubbling sluggishly.

"I'm sure I've done everything right," said Hermione, nervously re-reading the splotched page of _Moste Potente Potions_, "It looks like the book says it should…"

"Now what?" Ron whispered.

"We separate it into three glasses and add the hairs."

Hermione ladled large dollops of the potion into each of the three glasses. They all added the hairs. The potion hissed loudly and began to froth.

"Hang on," said Harry, as Ron and Hermione reached for their glasses. "We'd better not all drink them in here; once we turn into Crabbe and Goyle we won't all fit, and no Slytherin girl's that small."

"Good thinking," said Hermione, unlocking the door. "We'll take separate cubicles."

"Oh…" said Ron, "But I was looking forward to seeing Harry's shirt rip open." He grinned at Harry who glared back.

"I thought you two were over," said Hermione looking back into the cubicle, her eyebrows raised.

"We are," said Harry firmly. Taking his glass he followed her out of the cubicle and shut the door behind him. Careful not to spill a drop of his potion, Harry slipped into the middle cubicle.

"Ready?" he called.

"Ready," came Ron and Hermione's voices.

"One…two…three…"

Pinching his nose, Harry drank the potion down in two large gulps. It tasted like overcooked cabbage.

Immediately, his insides started writhing as though he'd just swallowed live snakes- doubled up, he wondered if he was going to be sick- then a burning sensation spread rapidly from his stomach to the very ends of his fingers and toes. Next, bringing him gasping on all fours, came a horrible melting feeling, as the skin all over his body bubbled like hot wax and before his eyes, his hands began to grow, the fingers thickened, the nails broadened and the knuckles were bulging like bolts. His shoulders stretched painfully and a prickling around his genitals told him that something was

happening down there too… His skin seared with pain as his chest expanded like a barrel bursting its hoops.

As suddenly as it had started, everything stopped. Harry lay face down on the cold

stone floor. He slowly got to his feet. So this is what it felt like being Goyle. His large hand trembled as he reached up to brush his hair out of his eyes and met only the short growth of wiry bristles, low on his forehead.

"Are you two ok?" he called.

"Yeah," came Ron's voice.

Harry unlocked his door and stepped in front of the cracked mirror. Goyle stared back at him.

Ron's door opened. Except that he looked pale and shocked, Ron was indistinguishable from Crabbe, from the pudding-basin haircut to the long gorilla arms.

"This's unbelievable," said Ron staring into his pants grinning. "Crabbe's got a pin dick! Of all the people…" he shook his head still looking into his pants.

Harry cocked an eyebrow in disgust and realized he wasn't actually shocked by this being the first thing Ron did after turning into some one else.

"We'd better get going," said Harry, struggling to loosen the watch that was cutting into Goyle's thick wrist. "We've still got to find out where the Slytherin common room is, I only hope we can find some one to follow…" He finished adjusting the watch and looked up. Ron was gazing at him.

"Stop it," said Harry. He pushed past Ron to Hermione's door.

"I can't help it if I'm still in love with you," Ron said.

Harry ignored him and banged on Hermione's door, "C'mon we need to go…"

A high-pitched voice answered him. "I-I don't think I'm going to come after all. You go on without me."

What? Harry thought frowning at the door.

"Hermione are you ok?" he asked.

"Fine- I'm fine…Go on-"

Harry looked at his watch. They had better get going.

"We'll meet you back here, alright?" he said.

Harry and Ron opened the door of the bathroom and carefully checked that the coast was clear and set off.

"Don't swing your arms like that," Harry muttered to Ron.

"Eh?"

"Crabbe holds them sort of stiff…"

"How's this?"

"Yeah that's better."

They headed down towards the dungeons and hurried down the stone steps into the darkness their footsteps echoing loudly as Crabbe and Goyle's huge feet hit the floor.

"Here comes some one now!" said Ron excitedly.

The figure was emerging from a side room. As they hurried nearer, however, their hearts sank. It wasn't a Slytherin, it was Percy.

"What're you doing down here?" said Ron in surprise.

Percy looked affronted.

"That," he said stiffly, "is none of your business. It's Crabbe, isn't it?

"Wh- oh, yeah," said Ron.

A voice suddenly echoed behind Harry and Ron. Draco Malfoy was strolling towards them. Harry was so pleased to see him, his heart began to flutter, something it had been doing quite a lot lately whenever he caught sight of Draco.

"There you are," Malfoy called looking at them. "Have you two been pigging out in the Great Hall all this time?"

Malfoy glanced witheringly at Percy.

"And what are you doing down here, Weasley?" he sneered.

Percy looked outraged.

"You want to show a bit more respect to a school prefect!" he said, "I don't like your attitude, Malfoy!"

Malfoy sneered and motioned for Harry and Ron to follow him but then stopped and stared at Harry. He raised an eyebrow inquisitively.

"Why," he asked slowly, "are you wearing glasses?"

"Ah-ah," said Harry fumbling to remove them. "Reading, I was-ah-reading."

Malfoy frowned, "I didn't know you could read." He shrugged and began to walk into the next passage with Harry and Ron hurrying after him. He paused by a stretch of bare, damp stone wall.

"What's the new password, again?" he said to Harry.

"Er-" said Harry.

"Oh yeah- pure-blood!" said Malfoy not listening, and a stone door concealed in the wall slid open. Malfoy marched through it and Harry and Ron followed him.

The Slytherin common room was a long low underground room with rough stone walls and ceiling, from which round, greenish lights were hanging on chains. A fire was crackling under an elaborate carved mantelpiece ahead of them, and several Slytherins were silhouetted around it in leather chairs.

Malfoy dropped into a nearby chair.

"Well sit down," he said motioning them to a pair of empty seats. Harry and Ron sat down, doing their best to look at home.

"You'd never know the Weasleys were pure-bloods, the way they behave. They're a disgrace to the wizarding world, all of them," said Malfoy scornfully.

Ron's face was contorted with fury.

"What's up with you, Crabbe?" snapped Malfoy.

"Stomach ache," grunted Ron.

"Well, go up to the hospital wing and give all those mudbloods a kick for me," said Malfoy snickering. "You know, I'm surprised the _Daily Prophet _hasn't done a report on all these attacks," he went on thoughtfully. "I suppose Dumbledore's trying to hush it all up. He'll be sacked if it doesn't stop soon. Father's always said Dumbledore's the worst thing that's ever happened to this place. A descent headmaster would never've let scum like that Creevey in."

Malfoy started taking pictures with an imaginary camera and did a cruel but accurate impression of Colin: "Harry, can I have your picture, Harry? Can I have your autograph? Can I lick your shoes please, Harry?"

He dropped his hands and looked at Harry and Ron.

"What's the _matter_ with you two?"

Far too late, Harry and Ron forced themselves to laugh, but Malfoy seemed satisfied; perhaps Crabbe and Goyle were always slow on the uptake.

"I'm glad the heir of Slytherin got Creevey as one of the first. I was about ready to give him a good bashing and tell him to fuck off and leave Harry alone. God…" he

sighed slowly, "I _wish _I knew who it was. I could help them."

Harry, thinking fast, said, "You must have some idea who's behind it all…"

"You know I haven't, Goyle, how many times do I have to tell you?" snapped Malfoy. "All I know is last time the Chamber was opened, some slut _died_. So I bet it's a matter of time before one of them's killed this time…as for me, I hope it's Granger," he said with relish.

Ron was clenching Crabbe's gigantic fists. Feeling it would be a bit of a give-away if Ron punched Malfoy, Harry shot him a warning look, and said, "Ah, Crabbe, maybe you should go and get that medicine for your stomach…"

Ron nodded and stood up; he glanced back at Harry. "Aren't you coming?"

Before Harry could think of a reply, Draco cut in, "Jesus Crabbe, I think you're big enough to go by yourself. Give Goyle a break for once."

Ron looked furious at what Harry had done but had no choice but to leave.

"C'mon," said Draco getting up. "Let's go up to the dorm."

So Harry followed him up a narrow staircase and into a room that looked exactly like his own dorm except all the crimson and gold had been replaced with green and silver.

Malfoy slumped down on a nearby bed and kicked off his shoes. Harry noticed a framed picture of himself on Draco's bedside table and suddenly felt all giddy.

"You really like that Potter, don't you?" he said nodding towards the photo.

Draco picked up the frame and lay down on his bed, gazing at it. Harry sat down on the edge of the bed, unsure what to say next.

Malfoy continued to smile fondly at the photo. He sighed and put it back in his place. He looked over at Harry.

"Can you believe he actually went out with that Weasley?" he asked, his eyes narrowing. "He is far too good for anyone like Weasley to even be around. I shudder to think what Weasley made him do. God! I blame myself for not telling him how I felt earlier. I could've stopped him from having to go through it all."

Draco's face started to go white with anger.

Harry reached out and tentatively touched Draco's hand. Malfoy flinched at the sudden contact and Harry pulled his arm back.

"Don't blame yourself. I'm pretty sure that's not what Harry would want you to do. He made that decision to go out with Ro-ah-Weasley by himself. I think he too probably regrets it."

Malfoy rolled over and looked at him unconvinced.

"C'mon, do you think Harry would want to see you this way around Christmas?"

Draco's face softened and he almost smiled.

"No, you're absolutely right, Goyle. Wow, someone's sure changed overnight. I thought you hated when I crapped on about Harry. Mm, guess I was wrong. Well, thanks…" Draco continued, "Damn, I wish I'd seen him today…" A look of sad longing came into his beautiful grey eyes. Harry stared, unable to look away. He edged closer to Malfoy. Slowly, he bent forward; puckering his lips…he could feel the warmth from Draco's face…

"Goyle!" yelled Malfoy in shock, scrambling off the bed, a look of utter terror on his face.

Oh god! Thought Harry coming back to reality.

"What the hell are you playing at?" Draco's eyes were wide and fearful. "You actually thought I would be disloyal to Harry, and to _you _of all people? Just- just GET OUT!" he screamed in rage.

Harry climbed off the bed and headed towards the door, he glanced back to have one last look at Draco for the night.

Malfoy frowned, "Hang on…" he said. "Goyle, since when have your eyes been green…?"

Harry gasped and sprinted from the room, down the stairs and across the common room. He didn't stop running until he was safely outside; the door slid shut behind him and clicked into place. He turned and came face to face with a furious looking Ron. Ron was no longer Crabbe; he looked down at his own body and found that he was once again Harry.

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOI-"

"OH SHUT UP RON! I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR FUCKING SPEECHES! HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE YOU TO REALISE WE ARE OVER! I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT WITH DRACO! SO JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Ron stared at him, dumbstruck. His eyes swelled with tears.

"Oh for fuck's sake," muttered Harry, "Let's just go and see what's up with Hermione."

He led the way to the bathroom, Ron following silently behind.

When they arrived Ron pushed moodily past him as he put on his glasses.

"Hermione, come out," he yelled, hammering on her door.

"Go away!" Hermione yelled back.

"What's the matter?" called Harry, "You must be back to normal, we are…"

Moaning Myrtle glided suddenly through the cubicle door. Ron shrieked and backed into the sink.

"Oooooh, wait till you see," she said gleefully, "It's awful."

They heard the lock slide back and Hermione emerged sobbing, her robes over her head.

"What's up?" said Ron uncertainly.

Hermione let her robes fall and Ron shrieked again.

Her face was covered in black fur. Her eyes had gone yellow and there were long pointed ears poking through her hair.

"It was a c-cat hair! I pulled it off a girl's robes but it wasn't the right kind of hair!" she howled, "The potion isn't s-supposed to be used for animal transformations!"

"Pussy…" breathed Ron licking his lips.

Harry elbowed him in the stomach. "It's ok, Hermione," he said quickly, "We'll take you to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey never asks too many questions."

It took a long time to persuade Hermione to leave the bathroom. But Moaning Myrtle sped them on their way yelling after them, "Wait till everyone finds out you've got a tail!"

------

With the next day came an odd bout of sunshine melting the last few weeks' snow. The few left at the school had all ventured outside to enjoy this rare winter weather.

All that is, except Harry, who sat in an armchair in the Gryffindor common room contemplating life. Ron had asked him if he had wanted to come with him to see Hermione but Harry had declined. He stopped his contemplation and watched the sunlight filter in through the window.

Maybe I'll go outside, he thought, rising from the chair.

When he reached the staircase leading down to the entrance hall he was surprised to find that someone other than himself wasn't outside enjoying the weather. Harry could recognise that white-blonde hair anywhere.

Malfoy was sitting mid-way down the staircase; his arms were hung casually around his legs, which were resting on the step below. He was leaning against the handrail and was staring out through the great oak doors leading outside.

Harry descended the above stairs and sat down on the step next to him, Draco didn't move. Harry sensed something was up but had learnt if Draco was going to tell him, he didn't need to be pestered, he would talk in all good time. So Harry merely leant back on his elbows onto the step behind, shutting his eyes to enjoy the peaceful silence.

He didn't have to wait long.

"Goyle tried to kiss me last night," said Draco softly.

Harry's eyes flung open and he sat up, staring at Malfoy. Draco was still looking out the door.

"And did he succeed?" Harry asked even though he knew the answer.

"No," was the gentle reply.

"Really?" Harry asked jumping to his feet. He laughed, "I can just imagine it now," He puffed out his chest and put on a voice pretending to be Draco. "Look, I know I'm irresistible, but just back off Goyle."

Malfoy turned and looked at him sharply but then began to laugh. He rolled his eyes, "Irresistible," he muttered shaking his head, his cheeks turning pink; he quickly looked away from Harry, clearly embarrassed.

"Wow…" breathed Harry. "I've got to remember to embarrass you more often. I'd forgotten how hot you look when you are…"

Malfoy went even redder and was suddenly interested in his shoes. Harry slumped down beside him again.

"Don't worry, I'll stop," he laughed.

"Good," grinned Draco.

"So what really did happen then?"

Malfoy looked up at him, his eyes alert with mischief.

"But you know perfectly well what happened…" he grinned evilly.

Harry's heart stopped. He knew! Shit! He thought, how the hell does he know!

As if being able to read his thoughts Draco said, "I don't think you realize this but I'd know that cute accent anywhere Harry, no one else has an accent quite like yours, especially not Goyle. It would've been scary if I didn't realize. And those green eyes are one of a kind, I must say."

It was Harry's turn to blush.

Malfoy laughed, "Remind me to embarrass you more often Harry, I'd forgotten how hot you look when you are."

Harry glared at him, his face still glowing. Malfoy smiled back, his grey eyes flashing.

"I'm only screwing with you," he said, hitting Harry playfully on the arm. He stopped and thought about what he had just said, "Woops," he laughed and shrugged.

"I guess we can't help it if we're both irresistible," he jumped up, "C'mon," he said pulling Harry to his feet. "Let's not waste a minute more of this weather."


	14. Stupid Old Men In Tights!

A/N: Hello all! Its Blaze for once! Im so happy to be posting again! we love getting your reviews and writing to you. So keep it all coming! unfortunately our parents did get back from scotland on monday and we're now restricted as to how "merry" we can get. but we still manage to steal the occasional bottle from our father's cellar. This is definately not my favourite chapter, but every chapter is funny, it even makes us laugh even though we've read them all 10 billion times! but hope you enjoy it! Until next week!

B.S Froste

-CHAPTER FOURTEEN-

Stupid Old Men, IN TIGHTS! 

…Just Kidding…

In February, the snow that had begun the previous month had turned into a blizzard so thick that the first Herbology lesson of term was cancelled. All Christmas break Harry had been waiting for this lesson opportunity to talk to Justin Finch-Fletchley about what had happened at the Dueling Club those few months ago, but now with no lesson, what would he do? Harry fretted about this next to the fire in the Gryffindor common room, while Ron and Hermione used their lesson off to play a game of wizards' chess.

"For heaven's sake, Harry," said Hermione who was getting pissed at Harry just sitting there. "Go and find Justin if it's so important to you."

So Harry got up and left through the portrait hole, wondering where Justin might be.

The castle was darker than it usually was in the daytime, because of the thick, swirling grey snow at every window. Shivering, Harry walked past classrooms where lessons were taking place, thinking that Justin might be using his free lesson to catch up on some work, he decided to check the library first.

A group of Hufflepuffs who should have been in Herbology were indeed sitting at the back of the library, but they didn't seem to be working. Between the long lines of high bookshelves, Harry could see their heads were close together and they were having what looked like an absorbing conversation. He couldn't see whether Justin was among them. He was walking towards them when something of what they were saying met his ears and he paused to listen, hidden behind a shelf.

"So anyway," a stout boy was saying, "I told Justin to hide up in our dorm. I mean to say, if Potter's marked him down as his next victim, it's best he keeps a low profile for a while. Of course, Justin's been waiting for something like this to happen ever since he let it slip to Potter he was muggle-born. Justin actually _told_ him he was down for Eton. That's not the kind of thing you start a conversation with when Slytherin's heir's on the loose, is it?"

"You definitely think it is Potter then, Ernie?" said a girl with blonde pigtails, anxiously. "I mean he always seems so nice and well, he's the one who made You-Know-Who disappear. He can't be all bad, can he?"

Ernie lowered his voice mysteriously, the Hufflepuffs bent close, and Harry edged nearer so that he could catch Ernie's words.

"No one knows how he survived the attack by You-Know-Who. I mean to say, he was only a baby when it happened. He should have been blasted to smithereens. Only a really powerful Dark Wizard could have survived a curse like that." He dropped his voice until it was barely more than a whisper, and said, "_That's _probably why You-Know-Who wanted to kill him in the first place. Didn't want another Dark Lord _competing _with him. I wonder what other powers Potter's been hiding?"

Harry couldn't take anymore. Clearing his throat loudly, he stepped out from behind the bookshelves. If he hadn't been feeling so angry, he would have found the sight that greeted him quite funny: everyone of the Hufflepuffs looked like they'd been

petrified by the sight of him, and the colour was draining out of Ernie's face.

"Hello," said Harry. "I'm looking for Justin Finch-Fletchley." He smiled sweetly at them but had a manic glint in his eyes.

The Hufflepuffs' worst fears had been confirmed, they all looked fearfully at Ernie.

"What do you want with him?" said Ernie in a quavering voice.

"I want to kill him and rape his body while it's still warm," said Harry grinning psychopathically. Ernie's mouth fell open and the blonde girl looked like she was about to cry.

"God! What do you think!" spat Harry, rolling his eyes at their stupidity. "I wanted to tell him what really happened with that snake at the Dueling Club."

Ernie bit his white lips and then, taking a deep breath, said, "We were all there. We saw what happened."

"Then you noticed that after I spoke to it, the snake backed off?" said Harry.

"All I saw," said Ernie stubbornly, though he was still trembling as he spoke, "was you speaking Parseltongue and chasing the snake after Justin."

"I didn't chase it at him!" Harry said, his voice shaking with anger. "It didn't even _touch_ him!"

"It was a very near miss and incase you're getting ideas," he added hastily, "I might tell you that you can trace my family back through nine generations of witches and warlocks and my blood's as pure as anyone's, so-"

"I don't care what sort of blood you've got!" said Harry fiercely, "Why would I want to attack muggle-borns?"

"I've heard you hate those muggles you live with," said Ernie swiftly.

Without realizing what he was doing, a deafening crack sounded around the room as Harry's palm connected with Ernie's face. Ernie drew back whimpering.

"It's not possible to live with the Dursleys and not hate them," said Harry coldly, "I'd like to see you try."

He turned on his heel and stormed out of the library.

Harry blundered up the corridor, barely noticing where he was going, he was in a fury. He stamped up the stairs and turned along another corridor, which was particularly dark; the torches had been extinguished by a strong icy draught, which was blowing through a loose windowpane. He was halfway down the passageway when he tripped headlong over something lying on the floor.

He turned and squinted at what he'd fallen over, and felt as though his stomach had dissolved.

Justin Finch-Fletchley was lying on the floor, rigid and cold, a look of shock frozen on his face, his eyes were staring blankly at the ceiling and that wasn't all. Next to him was another figure, the strangest sight Harry had ever seen.

It was Nearly Headless Nick, no longer pearly white and transparent but black and smoky, floating immobile six inches off the floor. His head was half off and he wore an expression of shock identical to Justin's.

Harry crawled over to Justin's frozen body.

"Shit…" he breathed. He brushed his fingertips over Justin's once smooth and warm lips- they were stiff and cold. Harry got to his feet, his breathing fast and shallow, his heart doing a kind of drum roll against his ribs. He looked wildly up and down the deserted corridor. He could run, and no one would ever know he had been there. But he couldn't leave Justin's stiff beautiful body just lying there. He had to get help. Would anyone believe he hadn't had anything to do with this?

As he stood there, panicking, a door next to him opened.

"HA! I've got you this time Potter!" Filch's voice echoed around the passageway.

"N-no! Mr Filch, you don't understand!" called Harry but Filch had already slouched off. He returned with Professor McGonagall following him. She gasped at what she saw.

"There, I told ya!" said Filch. "It's him who's done it! Just like he did to my cat!"

"That will do, Mr Filch," said Professor McGonagall.

"Professor," said Harry at once, " I swear I didn't-"

"This is out of my hands Potter, please follow me."

They marched in silence around a corner and she stopped before a large and extremely ugly stone gargoyle.

"Sherbet lemon!" she said. The gargoyle sprang to life and hopped aside as the wall behind it split in two. Behind the wall was a spiral staircase, which was moving smoothly upwards like an escalator. Professor McGonagall motioned for Harry to step on and Harry was shocked when she did not follow. The wall closed behind him with a thud and he rose upwards. Harry could see a gleaming oak door ahead, with a brass knocker in the shape of a griffon.

He knew where he had been taken. This must be where Dumbledore lived.

He stepped off the staircase at the top and silently walked up to the door. He reached up to knock but before he could the door opened silently. Harry entered and looked around. One thing was certain: of all the teachers' offices Harry had visited so far this year, Dumbledore's was by far the most interesting, it was also the second to have a pile of black wrapped magazines half concealed on a small cane table.

It was a large and beautiful circular room, full of funny little noises. A number of curious silver instruments stood on spindle-legged tables, whirring and emitting little puffs of smoke. The walls were covered with portraits of old headmasters and mistresses, all of whom were snoozing gently in their frames. Harry noticed one in particular which reminded him of Uncle Vernon, it sat in a throne-like velvet armchair and was scratching absentmindedly at its crotch whilst sleeping. Harry looked around again, there was also an enormous, claw-footed desk, and, sitting on a shelf behind it, a tattered leopard skin print G-string- the Sorting G.

Harry hesitated: He cast a wary eye around the sleeping witches and wizards on the walls. Surely it couldn't hurt if he took the underwear down and tried it on again? Just to see…just to make sure it had put him in the right house.

He lifted the G-string from its shelf and quickly removed his own pants and underwear. He slowly pulled on the G-string. It was much too small for him and clung painfully to his genitals just as it had done the last time he'd put it on. He sat down on the floor and waited. The underwear began to squirm and a small voice from between his legs said, "Bee in your bonnet, Harry Potter?"

"Er, yes," Harry muttered. "Er- sorry to bother you- I wanted to ask-"

"You've been wondering whether I put you in the right house." The G-string said smartly. "Yes…you were particularly difficult to place. But I stand by what I said before-" Harry's heart leapt "-you _would_ have done well in Slytherin."

Harry's stomach plummeted. He grabbed the sides of the G and pulled it off. It hung limply in his hand, grubby and faded. Harry chucked it back on the shelf, feeling sick. He pulled his own pants back on and said loudly to the still and silent underwear, "You're wrong." It didn't move. Harry backed away, watching it. Then a strange, gagging noise behind him made him wheel round.

He wasn't alone after all. Leaning against a pole on a small stand was a decrepit-looking woman. She was old and half her hair had fallen out, she was around twenty centimetres tall and had small golden-red wings growing from her back. Harry could tell they were growing right from her skin because she wore no clothing. Her skin was saggy and wrinkled, especially her breasts. In her hand she clutched a small wand. Harry stared at her and she stared miserably back, making her gagging noise again. Harry thought she looked very ill. Her eyes were dull and her skin grey and sweaty, and even as Harry watched, another chunk of her white wispy hair fell from her head.

Harry was just thinking that all he needed was for Dumbledore's pet fairy thing- whatever it was- to die while he was alone in the office with it, when suddenly the woman burst into flames.

Harry yelled in shock and backed into the desk. He looked feverishly around in case there was a glass of water somewhere, but couldn't see one. The woman, meanwhile, had become a fireball; she began to shriek and the next second there was nothing but a smoldering pile of ash on the floor.

The office door opened. Dumbledore came in looking very sombre.

"Professor," Harry gasped, "your fairy thing- I couldn't do anything- she just caught fire-"

To Harry's astonishment, Dumbledore smiled. "About time, too," he said. "She's been looking dreadful for days, I've been telling her to get a move on with the burning process."

Was this some kind of sick twisted idea of Dumbledore's…? He chuckled at the stunned look on Harry's face.

"Fawkes is a rare breed of fairy, she's half phoenix, Harry. Phoenixes burst into flame when it is time for them to die and are reborn from the ashes, thus so do phoenix fairies. Watch her…"

Harry looked down in time to see a small young girl with perfect smooth skin, climb from the ashes. She had flaming red hair, the same golden wings and again was completely naked. It was a pleasant change from the old one.

"It's a shame you had to see her on a Burning Day," said Dumbledore, seating himself behind his desk, "She's really quite beautiful when she reaches mid-life, wonderful bouncing bosoms. Fascinating creatures phoenix fairies, they have all the attributes of the phoenix bird. They can carry immensely heavy loads, their piss has healing powers and they make highly enjoyable pets."

They both turned and watched the fairy shake, sending ash flying. Her wings began to flutter and she flew from the ash pile back to her platform.

She grabbed onto the pole in the center with her right hand and swung herself around it. Harry watched in shock as she began to rub her body up and down the pole whilst snaking around it with her limbs. If he didn't know better, he could've sworn she was…pole dancing. He swallowed and looked back at Dumbledore.

"Is it arousing you too?" asked Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling.

Harry stared, startled at his headmaster.

Dumbledore chuckled. "I'm only joking, lad, don't worry. Besides I know your eye isn't exactly with the ladies at the moment. But not to worry. So Harry, Professor McGonagall tells me there's been another attack. What do you make of it?"

Dumbledore's face was sombre again; he fixed Harry with his kind but penetrating gaze.

"It wasn't me Professor, I swear, if that's what you're thinking. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Again?"

"Yes," sighed Harry glumly. It seemed Dumbledore didn't believe him.

"I do not think it is you Harry, who attacked these people."

"You don't think it was me, Professor?" Harry repeated hopefully.

"No, Harry, I don't," said Dumbledore thoughtfully, "but I still want to talk to you."

Harry waited nervously while Dumbledore considered him, the tips of his long fingers together.

"I must ask you, Harry, whether there is anything you'd like to tell me," he said gently, "anything at all."

Harry didn't know what to say. He thought of the disembodied voice, the one only he could hear. He thought then about what everyone was saying about him, and his growing dread that he _was_ somehow connected with Salazar Slytherin, that he could possibly be the heir himself without knowing… He thought, too, of his detention with Professor Lockhart and the uneasy feeling he had been having whenever he caught sight of his teacher.

"No," said Harry quietly, "there isn't anything, Professor.

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "Not even anything about your fights with Ron? Or your new found relationship with young Mr Malfoy?"

Harry gaped, as once again Dumbledore astonished him by somehow knowing everything already.

Harry opened his mouth to speak when his headmaster suddenly looked at him in a peculiar way.

"Hello Harry, it's good to see you. Have you seen my phoenix fairy?" Dumbledore said in a cheery voice.

"Ah, Professor?" asked Harry frowning.

"Yes," said Dumbledore smiling.

"I've been here the past half-hour, don't you remember?"

"Have you?" asked Dumbledore sounding flabbergasted. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah…" said Harry slowly, slightly worried as to what was going on.

Dumbledore's brow wrinkled and he stared at the top of his desk, resting his head in his hands. "And why are you here again?" he glanced up at Harry, his eyes looked concerned.

"Actually, I was just, ah, going," Harry walked towards the door nervously.

"Oh, of course you were," said Dumbledore shaking his head, "How silly of me. Well, let me show you out." He rose from his chair.

"Oh, don't bother, sir," said Harry pulling the door open and standing in the entrance, "I'm fine."

He closed the door softly. From inside the office he heard Dumbledore's voice. He pressed his ear to the door.

"…getting on in my years, aren't I, Fawkes? I can't understand this blasted Alzheimer's. Memory blank in front of a student. My word, I hope Harry's not effected by it all. I really…"

Harry stood back from the door. Poor Dumbledore, he really was getting on in years.

The Quidditch training session had run late as usual and Harry was found late one night heading back to Gryffindor tower. At the second floor, Harry turned the corner to find a great flood of water stretched over half the corridor outside Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. He could hear Myrtle's wails coming from inside the bathroom.

Wondering what was up, Harry pulled his robes up above his ankles and stepped through the great wash of water and entered.

Moaning Myrtle was crying, if possible louder and harder than ever before. She seemed to be hiding in her usual toilet. It was dark in the bathroom, because the candles had been extinguished in the great wash of water that had left both walls and floor soaking wet.

"What's wrong Myrtle?" asked Harry kindly, as he neared her toilet.

"Who's that?" glugged Myrtle miserably, "Come to throw something else at me?"

"Why would a throw something at you?" said Harry gently.

Myrtle stuck her head out of the toilet, "Oh! Hello Harry," she said shyly.

Harry smiled warmly at her

"Well, here I am minding my own business, and someone thinks it's funny to throw a book at me…"

"But it can't hurt if someone throws something at you," said Harry reasonably. "I mean, it'd just go right through you, wouldn't it?"

"Well, yes…" said Myrtle fully emerging from the toilet. "But it's the principle Harry. Even if I am dead, I don't appreciate people throwing shit at me!" She smiled back at Harry.

"Oh, I see what you mean," he said, "Well, do you know who threw it? I mean, if you tell me, I can go and give them a piece of my mind. 'Cause no one, not even the dead, deserve to have shit thrown at them."

"You'd do that for me, Harry?" asked Myrtle, her transparent cheeks turning pearly.

"Sure," said Harry. "So, do you know who it was?"

"No," said Myrtle glumly. "I was just sitting in the U-bend, thinking about death, and it fell through my…ah…well, the point is I was hit."

"Oh," said Harry sympathetically. "Are you ok now?"

Myrtle smiled sheepishly, "I am now that you're here, Harry."

She flew slowly up to him, their faces only millimetres apart. Harry's breathing became shallow.

"M-Myrtle," he said cautiously.

"Yes, Harry?" she said sweetly. She puckered her lips and leant towards him, closing her eyes. Harry couldn't move, it was all so strange. Myrtle was almost on him; their lips were almost touching- then-

"Shit, that's COLD!" screamed Harry as Myrtle fell through him. It was the most horrible feeling, like suddenly being pushed into a bath of ice.

Myrtle squealed and landed on the floor behind him.

"Oh dear," she said glumly, getting to her feet. "Sorry."

Harry grinned at her, amazed that he could actually attract the opposite sex.

"Oh Myrtle," he said kindly, "You should know it would never work between us."

"I know," sighed Myrtle, looking disappointed. "But you can't blame me for trying."

Harry laughed, his eyes lit with mischief. "Well, you're still the cutest ghost I know. But just don't try and touch me again. But I'd love it if you could." His eyes flashed evilly, but he suddenly felt guilty. He shrugged it off. He was allowed to have a little fun by himself, wasn't he?

"Um, well, I've gotta be off Myrtle, it was good to see you again." Harry waded towards the door.

"Oh Harry! So soon?" Myrtle looked desperately around for something to bring him back. "OH! That book they threw at me's over there if you wanna take a look at it."

Harry turned back and smiled, "Yeah ok, if _you _want me to Myrtle."

He walked over to the sinks with Myrtle close behind.

"HARRY!" It was Ron. Harry and Myrtle spun round. He waded out from a toilet cubicle, doing up his fly.

"Ron?" asked Harry, raising an eyebrow. "What are you doing in a _girls _bathroom?"

"I was going to the toilet for your information, Harry."

Harry frowned and decided to leave it at that.

"Where's the book?" asked Ron looking around the room.

"Over there."

Harry and Ron looked under the sink, where Myrtle was pointing. A small, thin book lay there. It had a peach leather cover with gold trimming and was as wet as everything else in the bathroom.

Harry stepped forward to pick it up, but Ron suddenly flung out an arm to hold him back.

"What?" said Harry.

"Are you mad?" said Ron. "It could be dangerous!"

"Dangerous?" said Harry laughing, "Come off it. How could it be dangerous?"

"You'd be surprised," said Ron, who was looking apprehensively at the book. "Some of the books the Ministry's confiscated- Dad's told me- there was one that burned your eyes out. And everyone who read _Sonnets of a Sorcerer _spoke in limericks for the rest of their lives. And some old witch in Bath had a book that you could never stop reading! And-"

"Alright, I've got the point," said Harry.

The little book lay on the floor, nondescript and soggy.

"Well, we won't find out unless we look at it." Harry grinned evilly at Ron, ducked round him and picked it off the floor.

"God Harry, you're turning into Malfoy. You only did that 'cause I told you not to," said Ron.

"Yeah I know," laughed Harry wickedly. "But nothing happened, I'm not dead or anything am I?"

Ron looked at him miserably. "I was only looking out for you," he said softly.

"Aww," said Harry. "Well thanks mate."

He patted Ron on the cheek, Ron's ears instantly turned pink.

Harry looked down at the book in his hand and saw at once it was a diary, and the faded year on the cover told him it was fifty years old. He opened it eagerly. On the first page he could just make out the name _T.M. Riddle _in smudged ink. Harry peeled the wet pages apart. They were all completely blank.

"He never wrote in it," he said disappointed. He turned back to the cover of the book and saw the printed name of a newsagent in Vauxhall Road, London.

"He must have been muggle-born," Harry said thoughtfully, "to have bought a diary in Vauxhall Road."

"Well, it's not much use to you," said Ron.

Harry, however, pocketed it.

Ron muttered, "Are you determined to do the opposite of everything I say?"

"Oh Ron, you love it," said Harry hitting Ron teasingly on the arse. He didn't know why, but he was in an incredibly playful mood.

"Harry!" said Ron shocked.

Harry flashed his eyes at him. "See you, Myrtle," he called over his shoulder as they left.


	15. Young, Innocent and Incredibly Beautiful

A/N: Ok, i wont give anything away, so just read this chapter and i'll see you at the bottom!

B.S. Froste

-CHAPTER FIFTEEN-

Young, Innocent and Incredibly Beautiful

February 14th dawned bright and sunny, melting any further snow. It became clear at breakfast that Gilderoy Lockhart had not forgotten that it was Valentine's Day.

Harry hadn't had much sleep because of a late running Quidditch practice the night before, and he hurried down to the Great Hall slightly late. He thought for a minute he'd walked through the wrong doors.

The walls were all covered in large lurid pink flowers. Worse still, heart shaped confetti was falling from the pale blue ceiling. As Harry approached the Gryffindor table he saw Ron sitting looking sickened, and Hermione had seemed to have come over all giggly.

"What the hell's up with her, aye?" he said to Ron.

"I wanna know what the fuck's up with the decorations!" Ron looked around in disgust.

"Yeah, dunno…" Harry prayed it wasn't what he thought it was.

To his utter disgust, Lockhart was standing at the teachers' table, waving his hands for silence.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" Lockhart shouted. Harry noticed he was wearing robes of garish pink. "And may I thank the forty-six people who have so far sent me cards! Yes, I have taken the liberty of arranging this little surprise for you all- and it doesn't end here!"

Lockhart clapped his hands and through the doors to the entrance hall marched a dozen surly-looking dwarfs. Not just any dwarfs however, Lockhart had them all wearing golden wings and carrying harps.

"My friendly, card-carrying cupids!" beamed Lockhart. "They will be roving around the school today delivering your Valentines."

"Great…" said Ron, sarcastically.

All day long, the dwarfs kept barging into their classes to deliver Valentines, to the annoyance of the teachers. Late that afternoon as the Gryffindors were walking upstairs for Charms, one of them caught up with Harry.

"Oi, you, Harry Potter!" shouted a particularly grim-looking dwarf, elbowing people out of the way to get to Harry.

Hot all over at the thought of being given a Valentine in front of Ron, Harry tried to escape.

"I've got a musical message to deliver to Harry Potter in person," said the dwarf, twanging his harp in a threatening sort of way.

"Not here!" hissed Harry.

The dwarf grabbed hold of Harry's bag, pulling him back.

"Let me go!" snarled Harry tugging.

With a loud ripping noise, his bag split in two. His books, wand, parchment and quill spilled onto the floor and his inkpot smashed over the lot. On top of the mess was a love heart shaped photo frame with a picture of him and Draco in it. He quickly bent to pick it up.

"What's going on here?" came the cold, drawling voice of Draco Malfoy. Harry started stuffing everything feverishly into his ripped bag, desperate to get away before Malfoy could hear his musical Valentine.

"Right," said the dwarf, "here is your singing Valentine."

'_His hair is as dark as the night,_

_when I first dreamed of making love to him,_

_his lips are all I long for._

_I wish he would notice and hold me again,_

_for I will love him forever more.'_

-_Pw2_

Harry would've given his life to just evaporate on the spot. Trying valiantly to laugh along with everyone else, he looked around, Draco wasn't laughing. Harry's eyes pleaded for him to help, Draco nodded.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" his boyfriend yelled, glaring at everyone. The crowd fell silent and looked at him. "We get the point it's funny, yeah, but I think we've managed to embarrass Potter enough for today, don't we all think?"

A few people nodded. Malfoy looked satisfied, "Well," he said, "You've had your fun, now _piss off_."

The crowd thinned and eventually disappeared. Malfoy looked around and caught sight of Ron trying to sneak off with everyone else.

"Great work, Weasley!" he yelled after him. "I don't think Potter liked your Valentine much!"

Ron covered his face and ran. Draco glared after him. He then turned back to Harry.

"Thankyou so much," said Harry.

Malfoy studied his face; it looked as though he was about to burst into tears. Harry's bottom lip began to tremble. Draco glanced up and down the corridor, it was deserted. He came over to Harry, putting his arms around him and holding him tight.

Harry broke down entirely; it'd all been too much. He buried his face in Draco's shirt and cried silently.

"There, there," said Malfoy, gently rubbing his back. "C'mon Harry, it's alright now."

Harry sniffed deeply and raised his head, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

"God, what must you think of me now?" The tears began to build up again.

"Hey," said Draco, "No. No one could've handled anything as embarrassing as that better than you just did." He smiled gently and wiped another tear from Harry's cheek.

"Not even you?" asked Harry looking into his boyfriend's twinkling grey eyes.

"Well…" said Draco thoughtfully.

Harry laughed and poked him in the stomach.

"What?" asked Malfoy, eyes flashing.

"You are so up yourself, you know that?" said Harry smiling.

"What, it comes naturally to me," said Draco. "So you alright now?"

"Yeah," said Harry, his emotions stable once again. "Thanks again," he leant over and kissed Draco swiftly on the cheek.

"Anytime mate," said Malfoy. "Hey I gotta get going, you alright to get to class?"

"Course," said Harry. "That was just a one off break down. Well bye."

Draco smiled and Harry watched him until he was out of sight. God I'm lucky to have him, he thought.

Harry made it through the rest of the day without another breakdown. However, when he got back to the dormitory he noticed that the only thing in his bag that was not covered in ink was the diary, all his other books were drenched. He sat down on his four-poster and flicked through the blank pages. Not one had a trace of ink on it.

He got out his quill and inkpot and dropped a blot of ink onto the first page of the diary. It shone on the paper for a second and then vanished as though being sucked into the page.

Excited, Harry reloaded his quill and wrote, "My name is Harry Potter."

The ink once again vanished.

Oozing back out of the page, in his own ink came words Harry had never written, _"Hello Harry, my name is Tom Riddle, up for some fun tonight?"_

Harry quickly wrote back, "I'm sorry but I've never heard of you…" 

Once again the ink returned displaying the words, _"I was at Hogwarts fifty years ago, I have preserved my memory in this diary…I am awfully lonely in here, Harry."_

Harry replied, "Oh, sorry to hear that. What do you do in there all day?" 

Riddle replied, _"Oh, I draw quite a lot."_ A picture appeared. It was of two stick figures, one bending over, and the other standing behind it. Even through Harry's inexperienced eye, he knew this was a disturbingly detailed picture of gay sex.

"Wow, that's really cool." Harry wrote.

"See that one standing up, Harry? That's me…" 

"Oh yeah, cool."

"Guess who the other one is…" 

Harry had no idea what Riddle was implying, but that didn't stop him from writing, "Yeh, I get where you're coming from."

"_So are you up for it?" _Riddle asked.

"Yeah sure," said Harry.

"I guess I'll be seeing you soon then, Harry…" 

"Uh…yeah, but I was just wondering, seeing as you've been around for fifty years…"

"Don't get turned off by that, I'm still sixteen, don't worry…" 

"No, it's not that, I was wondering if you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets?"

"_Why, yes, I do…" _Riddle replied.

"Can you tell me?" Harry asked apprehensively.

"No…but I can show you…" Harry paused for a few seconds and then wrote two letters, "O.K." 

The pages of the diary began to blow as though caught in a high wind, stopping halfway through the month of June. Mouth hanging open, Harry watched as the center of the page began to glow and ripple. His hands trembling slightly, he raised the book to his eye squinting at the moving page, and before he knew what was happening, he was tilting forwards, a gaping tunnel opening in the diary's page, he felt his body leave his bed and he was pitched head first into the opening in the page, into a whirl of colour and shadow. He felt his feet hit solid ground and he stood, shaking as the blurred shapes around him came suddenly into view.

He knew immediately he was in the school's entrance hall, yet everything was eerily quiet, quite different from the atmosphere in the entrance hall _he_ knew.

Standing at the half way landing of the stairs in front of him, stood a boy that couldn't have been older than sixteen. He was much taller than Harry, but he, too, had jet-black hair. His skin appeared smooth and well tanned. He had well-defined cheekbones; perfect lips, and Harry thought his striking greenish, dark grey eyes looked mysterious and inviting. Harry stared in awe. The boy would've had to be the hottest male of his age Harry had ever seen. Not to mention his bulging package.

"Ah, hi there," said Harry tentatively.

The boy didn't move, he continued to watch something out of Harry's view.

Harry walked towards him, "Ah…" he cleared his throat. "Excuse me?"

The boy still showed no recognition of Harry being there. What was happening suddenly dawned on him- he can't hear me, but can he see me?

Harry waved his hand in front of the boy's face; he was even hotter up close. The boy still didn't seem to notice him. It seemed, that he, Harry, was little more that a phantom, completely invisible to people of the fifty year old memory.

Harry walked around the boy, guiltily eyeing every inch of his body…

He stopped and looked up in the direction of his companion's attention. There, at the top of the stairs, huddled a group of concerned looking teachers. Harry's mouth opened in horror as a stretcher was brought past them and carried down the stairs, past him and the boy. A white sheet lay over the outline of a body. As the stretcher-bearers rounded the turn in the landing, an arm slipped from under the sheet and dangled limply at the stretcher's side. Harry's eyes widened; the arm's skin was pale and bluish, it looked almost frozen. Whoever was under there must've been…

Harry swallowed.

"Riddle!" A voice rang out from above, drawing Harry and the boy's attention back to the teachers.

The voice belonged to a tall wizard with long, sweeping grey hair and a beard. Harry gaped at him- he was none other than a fifty-year-younger Dumbledore.

"Come," Dumbledore motioned towards the boy at Harry's side, whom Harry now knew was the Tom Riddle he had just been talking to.

Tom reached the top of the stairs and raised an eyebrow, "Professor Dumbledore?"

"It is not wise to be wandering round this late hour, Tom."

"Yes, Professor," said Tom looking over at the huddle of teachers then back to Dumbledore. "I suppose I… -I had to see for myself- if the rumours were true…"

"I'm afraid they are- Tom- they are true- the rumours, that is- Tom- yes- the rumours- Tom- are, I'm afraid- true."

Riddle's eyes showed disappointment, "About the school as well? I don't have a home to go to- they wouldn't really close Hogwarts, would they, Professor?"

Dumbledore sighed heavily, "I understand, Tom, but I'm afraid Headmaster Dippet may have no choice."

"Sir," Riddle glanced around warily, "if it all stopped, if the person responsible was caught…"

Dumbledore frowned, giving Tom exactly the kind of penetrating stare Harry knew well. "Is there something," he raised an eyebrow, "you wish to tell me?"

"No, sir," replied Riddle, his face emotionless and unreadable, "nothing."

Dumbledore nodded, "Very well then, off you go."

"Goodnight, sir." Riddle walked quickly past Dumbledore, heading straight down the stone steps to the dungeons, with Harry in hot pursuit.

Riddle led him down a passageway off to one side of the dungeons' main path. At the end of the corridor stood an ancient-looking wooden door. Tom walked swiftly up to the door and twisted the handle. The door swung open to reveal the dark outline of a huge boy who was crouching in front of a very large box.

The large boy turned round and yelped at the sight of Riddle.

Riddle had a malicious look about him, "Evening Hagrid," he said, glancing around the shabby room and then back to the boy.

Harry let out a small gasp- Hagrid!

"I'm going to have to turn you in, Hagrid," Riddle continued. "I don't think you meant it to hurt anyone, but-"

"But you can't!" Hagrid interrupted in alarm. "You don't understand."

Tom rolled his eyes and sighed, glaring at Hagrid, "The dead girl's parents will be here tomorrow, the best thing Hogwarts can do is to make sure the thing that killed their daughter is slaughtered…"

"It wasn't him!" roared the young Hagrid, "Aragog never killed no one- NEVER!"

"Monsters don't make good pets, Hagrid," Riddle said softly. His voice grew firm and he drew out his wand, "now stand aside-"

"NO!" yelled Hagrid, confidently planting himself between Riddle and the box.

"STAND ASIDE!" yelled Riddle. His spell lit the room with a sudden flaming light. The box's lid was blasted off. Harry screamed and hid behind Tom.

A vast, low slung, hairy body and a tangle of black legs; a gleam of many eyes and a pair of razor-sharp pincers climbed from the box. Riddle raised his wand but was too late. The thing scrambled past him, bowling him over, tearing up the corridor and out of sight. Tom scrambled to his feet, looking after it; he raised his wand, but Hagrid leapt on him, seized his wand and threw him back down, yelling, "NOOOOOOO!"

Riddle gasped for breath under the weight of the large boy. "I- I can't let you go," he panted, "They'll have your wand for this Hagrid. You'll be expelled."

The scene whirled, the darkness became complete, Harry felt himself falling and with a crash, he landed spread-eagled on his four-poster in the Gryffindor dormitory, Riddle's diary lying open on his stomach.

Before he had time to regain his breath, the dormitory door opened and Ron came in.

"There you are," he said.

Harry sat up. He was sweating and shaking.

"What's up?" said Ron, looking at him with concern.

Should I tell Ron what I just saw? Harry decided against it for the time being, it would only worry Ron and make him think that he was crazy- talking to old books.

Harry shook his head, "nothing."

"Then why are you all sweaty?" asked Ron, frowning. His eyes widened, "Actually- _ew_- no, I don't wanna know."

Harry blushed and looked at Ron, "No Ron, it's not that, I wasn't-" 

"Yeah, whatever Harry. What you do in your spare time I don't want to know about, ok? By the way, this just arrived for you." Ron held out a small lavender envelope.

Harry climbed from the bed and took it from Ron, their hands touching momentarily. Ron grimaced at the contact. Harry sighed dramatically, "Look Ron, I haven't been doing anything like that," He said in a desperate voice, wringing his hands.

Ron just looked at him; back at Harry's messed up bed and then backed towards the door looking revolted.

"You're sick for thinking it!" Harry yelled after him.

He lay back down on his bed, the envelope still in hand. I guess it's another valentine, he thought.

He looked over at the several others he'd received throughout the day. One from Hermione thanking him for their friendship, one from Fred and George crapping on about corn and life, an odd one from Dumbledore wishing him luck with his love life and one from Draco with a naughty message inside. And, of course, there had been the musical one from Ron. Harry had decided Ron had either been drunk or delirious at the time of thinking it up. He looked at them all sitting on his bedside table and smiled to himself. He held up the latest one and ripped it open; the card was plain with a heart on the front. Inside it read: _10.30pm outside the Defense Against the Dark Arts room. Don't be late._ Harry frowned, it wasn't in Draco's handwriting but whom else could it have been from. He dismissed it as Draco trying to keep their relationship even more of a secret by writing in a different print.

He checked his watch: it was 10.25pm.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Outside the Defense Against the Dark Arts room Harry waited. A hand tugged on the back of his cloak. Harry turned smiling, his smile faltered when he saw whom it was. It wasn't Draco but his worst nightmare. 

"Fuck," whispered Harry.

"That's the plan," Lockhart said erotically.

He grabbed Harry and dragged him into the classroom, pushing him against the wall. He flicked out his wand, and muttered a spell. Harry felt his body suction backwards against the wall; he tried to pull away from it and failed. His eyes widened in fear.

"Nothing to worry about Harry. Just a simple suction charm."

Lockhart eyed his prize. He came right up to Harry, pushing his body up against him. With a quick movement, he licked Harry's lips, and then looked into his eyes smirking. Harry spat, hitting Lockhart in the right eye. Lockhart didn't let this deter him, he wiped the spit from his eye and began licking down Harry's chin and neck leaving goose bumps on Harry's skin. Lockhart grabbed the top of Harry's shirt and ripped it open, he began to lick at Harry's chest excitedly.

"Oh god!" he muttered. "Let's move on," he knelt down.

His hands were shaking as he slowly pulled down Harry's pants and then his boxers. He whimpered at the sight. Harry couldn't help but get aroused.

"Oh thank you god," said Lockhart, licking his lips. He opened his mouth and closed it around Harry's erect penis. He sucked, holding onto Harry's ass from behind and pushing his body in a thrusting motion, in and out of his mouth.

Harry began to pant, his body coming over all hot; it was even better than when Dobby did it. All of a sudden he felt like he was going to explode, he let out a loud moan. All his muscles seized and with one wonderful release of tension his body relaxed. Lockhart choked.

"Spit or swallow, Harry? You decide."

"Ah…spit?"

"You're the boss." Lockhart got to his feet and spat a white substance onto the floor beside them.

"Well, that was fun," said Lockhart, his face suddenly turned grave. "Why?" he demanded, "Why did you do it?"

"Do what?" said Harry glaring at the man in front of him.

"Why'd you smash my camera?"

"Why'd you think? You were taking photos of me _naked_. Remember?"

Lockhart glared back at him. "I though you loved me Harry?" He rubbed Harry's leg.

"Fuck Off!" yelled Harry, "Don't ever touch me! What the hell do you think you're doing?" He spat at Lockhart again, hitting his left eye this time.

Lockhart looked infuriated. He took a deep breath in and wiped the spit away. He raised his wand and gave it a flick. Harry fell from the wall, released. He got quickly to his feet pulling up his pants, buttoning his shirt and backing towards the door.

"Don't do this to me Harry," said Lockhart seriously.

"What! You just practically _raped_ me!" screamed Harry, his hands bunching into fists.

"What!" yelled Lockhart back. "You wanted it, that's why you came!"

"Wha...no, oh, fuck! You're sick! I only came because I didn't think I'd be meeting _you_ here!"

"What's wrong? Don't like the idea of being a toy boy to an older man?" Lockhart came up to him and ran his fingers through Harry's hair.

"Piss off," said Harry bitterly.

"Fine," said Lockhart moodily. "But you remember, if you tell _anyone, _your secret's out. Even your new one with the blonde. You know personally, I'm glad you've swapped to him. Blonde over ranga for me any day. Now go! Unless you want to stay for some more…" his eyes flashed.

Shaking his head, Harry left the classroom and wandered back towards Gryffindor Tower.

_The blonde_, he thought, his fist bunching again. Lockhart had some nerve calling Draco that.

All of a sudden, as he turned the next corner, everything that had just happened rushed at him, flooding his mind. His throat went dry and his eyes began to prickle. He looked down at his clothes, trembling, he had to change- he no longer felt clean.

He could hear footsteps coming from the direction he'd just come- Lockhart. Harry started to run; he didn't know where his was going, just that he had to get away. Get away and get clean. He had never felt dirtier in his life.

He ran down endless flights of stairs and deserted corridors. Until he stopped, falling to his knees, out of breath. The stone floor underneath him was cool and calming on his flushed skin. He took a moment to regain his breath, looking uncertainly around. He was in the entrance hall.

The huge oak doors leading out into the grounds were open wide and a light breeze was flowing gently through them, around the room and over Harry's body. Harry got numbly to his feet and ambled slowly through them.

Outside the cool air whipped through the damp hair on his brow. The leaves in a nearby oak rustled, and an owl let out a faint hoot. Harry rubbed his eyes and squinted around. The moon was full and shimmering a bright pearly white, illuminating the sky and the grounds around him. Harry stumbled down the bank to the lake and sank to his knees at the water's edge. He cupped his hands and splashed the icy water onto his face. He felt his body relax with the water's chill touch. Silent tears slipped down his cheeks as he stared at his reflection in the rippling radiant water. His eyes looked weary but fully alert at the same time, his skin was blotchy and the moonlight was making it look paler than ever; or perhaps it really was. He began to tremble and sat back on the grass, curling his legs up to his body; it made him feel more secure.

Harry had no idea what to do. All he knew was that he wasn't going back into the castle anytime soon, he couldn't bare the thought of having to answer questions, their intentions would be good, but it would be too much. There was also the possibility of running into Lockhart. All he wanted now was to shut himself off from the world entirely.

Through tear brimmed eyes, he looked out over the lake, the sight of the rippling water calming his nerves. The sound of something hitting the water sounded and Harry was suddenly alert, his attention drawn to the far side of the lake. There, standing on the bank opposite to him, was the silhouette of a figure skipping stones across the lake's surface.

Harry's heart began to race; this was the last thing he needed. He watched warily, hoping to god that the figure hadn't seen him. It seemed that right now at least, luck was on his side. He watched as the figure stooped down and picked up another stone from the bank. With a flick of their wrist the stone skimmed across the lake's surface, skipping three times. The figure bent to collect another stone, this time as they did so, the moonlight caught their hair; Harry's heart stopped as he saw it flash white-blonde.

Draco eyed the stone in his hand, it looked good enough, he drew his arm back and swung the stone out across the lake's face. The stone hit the water with a plonk, not skipping once. Malfoy cursed under his breath, he was tired of this game. It was getting late, he had better get back to bed, perhaps now he'd be able to sleep. With his hands in his pockets, he began to stroll around the lake's perimeter heading back towards the castle.

Harry began to panic; Draco was heading straight towards him without realizing it. Luckily Malfoy wasn't looking in his direction, but as Harry thought this, his boyfriend looked up at the bank in front of him, straight at Harry. He stopped mid-step and look of concern came into his moonlit eyes.

"Harry?" he said frowning, "What are you doing out here? What's wrong?" Harry's tear streaked face was easily visible thanks to the moon. Draco jogged up the bank and knelt down in front of him. Taking Harry's hands in his own, his grey eyes, full of concern, searching Harry's green ones.

"Oh my," he whispered gently. Harry did not need to explain what had happened, Draco could feel Harry's pain and already knew. He could tell without being told. They knew each other too well.

"You poor soul," Draco breathed. He felt himself growing mad; the anger was towards himself for not being there to prevent something like this from happening. It was also towards the man who had done it. Harry, in Draco's eyes, was young, innocent and incredibly beautiful (even for a boy), a clear target for something like this. He was angrier than he had ever been in his life; he had failed to protect his lover.

Looking back into Draco's stunning eyes, Harry noticed the anger.

"Don't blame yourself," he rasped reaching out and brushing his fingertips over Malfoy's cheek. Draco took hold of his hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it gently. "How can I not, Harry? How could I have let this happen?" He clenched his teeth. "I'm hopeless, you don't deser-"

He was cut off by Harry's finger on his lips.

"Shh," Harry whispered. "I should be able to look after myself, I'm the one to blame. I'm not listening to another word against you."

Draco sighed, and knew it would be cruel to argue against Harry at a time like this, but secretly he still blamed himself.

Draco got to his feet.

"Ah," said Harry timidly, "could we just stay here a little longer?"

"Sure, Harry, anything," Draco cursed inside his head; I'm such an idiot. Wasn't it clear he hadn't wanted leave? Yet here I am, he thought bitterly, stupidly getting to my feet and expecting him to follow. He looked at Harry who was staring at him, looking distressed.

"Draco, you're doing it again," he said sternly, "Stop blaming yourself."

"How can you tell?" Malfoy asked sitting down on the soft grass beside him.

"The look in your eye," said Harry quietly.

Malfoy smiled and put his arm around his boyfriend. He was startled to find his body was freezing to the touch. He quickly pulled off his jacket and draped it around Harry's shoulders, then put his arm around him again, pulling him close.

They sat out the night watching the rippling waves swell around the moonlit surface of the water.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: BLOODY OATH!Ok guys, yes, lockhart is back! i know, i know, very scary/weird. but really, to give up reading now would be stupid wouldnt it? after 14 chpaters? we've got more quality stuff to come, so if you thought this chpater was just a little too sick, keep with us for just one more chapter and you'll see that it will unfold quite well. On the other hand, if you loved it, GOOD STUFF! and u all know what we need now! REVIEWS REVIWS REVIEWS!

Have a bonzer week mates and we'll talk to you soon!

Blaze-Splinder


	16. Even Gays Have to Sleep

-CHAPTER SIXTEEN-

Even Gays Have to Sleep

Gryffindor's next Quidditch match would be against Hufflepuff. Wood insisted on team practices every night after dinner. Harry was walking up to the dormitory to drop off his broom when he met Neville Longbottom who was looking frantic.

"Harry- I don't know who did it. I just found-" Watching Harry fearfully, Neville pushed open the door.

The contents of Harry's trunk had been thrown everywhere. His picture of Draco was on the floor, the frame, smashed. The bedclothes had been pulled off his four-poster and the drawer had been pulled out of his bedside cabinet, the contents strewn over the mattress.

Ron, Dean and Seamus came in. Dean swore loudly.

"What happened Harry?"

"No idea," said Harry. But Ron was examining Harry's robes. All the pockets were hanging out.

"Someone's been looking for something," said Ron.

"But only a Gryffindor could've gotten in- nobody else knows our password." Neville pointed out.

Harry knew the diary was missing but never said anything; he didn't want anyone to know who opened the Chamber fifty years ago.

----

The next morning dawned a beautiful day. Harry headed down to the Quidditch pitch enthusiastic and hopeful. The teams walked onto the pitch to tumultuous applause. Harry was just mounting his broom when Professor McGonagall came half running, half marching across the pitch, carrying an enormous purple megaphone.

"This match has been cancelled," She called through the megaphone addressing the packed stadium. There were boos and shouts.

"You can't cancel Quidditch!" Wood protested.

"Silence Wood!" McGonagall continued to shout through her megaphone. "All students make their way back to their house common rooms!"

She lowered her megaphone and beckoned Harry over to her.

"Potter, I think you'd better come with me… this may come as a bit of a shock," she said heading towards the castle. "There was another attack…another double attack."

Harry's insides did a horrible somersault. Professor McGonagall pushed open the door to the hospital wing and Harry entered.

The sight Harry saw was quite a shock.

Ron was on top of Hermione's naked body. He was straddling her, but she was stiff, as though carved of stone. The bed was rocking violently back and forwards. Ron was also naked. He was thrusting fiercely. He had his head on her chest.

"Ron! What the fuck are you doing?" Harry cried in alarm.

"Oh…Harry, I was only testing. I've been rather confused lately."

Harry raised his eyebrows. McGonagall muttered something about cute young love and exited.

"Ron, ya fuckin' bi!" Harry was yelling now. He wanted to protect Hermione's pride. He knew if she was conscious she would not want to fuck Ron.

"Fuckin' get off her!" Harry dragged Ron off her body.

"You can't stop me! I'll just come back when you're not looking, Harry. Even gays have to sleep!" Ron continued to hump Hermione's torso.

-----

Harry dragged Ron back to Gryffindor tower, where Professor McGonagall was addressing the entire house. Percy was in the corner, in shock, because Penelope Clearwater, his girlfriend, had also been petrified.

"What're we gonna do?" said Ron quietly, in Harry's ear. "D'you think they suspect Hagrid?"

"Well, he does have previous charges for unwilling sexual acts. We've got to go and talk to him," said Harry, making up his mind. "I can't believe it's him this time, I thought he'd gotten over attacking and raping young children…hmm, obviously not."

"But McGonagall said we've got to stay in our tower unless we're in class-"

"I think," said Harry more quietly still, "it's time to get my dad's old cloak out again."

The journey through the dark and deserted corridors wasn't enjoyable. There were teachers everywhere patrolling the halls. They finally made it through the huge oak doors; it was a clear starry night. They hurried towards the lit windows of Hagrid's hut and pulled off the cloak when they were right outside his front door.

Seconds after knocking, Hagrid flung it open. They found themselves face to face with him aiming a crossbow at them.

"Oh fuck," he said, lowering his weapon and letting them in, "didn't expect you two."

"Are you ok, Hagrid?" said Harry, "Did you hear about Hermione?"

"Oh I heard alright!"

All of a sudden there was a knock on the door.

Harry and Ron exchanged panic-stricken looks, then threw the invisibility cloak back over themselves and retreated into a corner.

"Stop fuckin' poking me Ron!" Harry could feel something sticking into his back.

"What're you talking about?" Ron protested.

"You're poking me in the back."

"No, I'm not! See!" Ron held up both hands.

"You're still doing it!" snapped Harry.

Ron looked down, "Shit, sorry Harry, my mistake, totally inappropriate."

Just then Hagrid opened the door.

"Good evening, Hagrid," Dumbledore said.

"Hello, Dumbledore," Hagrid looked worried.

Dumbledore stared blankly for a few minutes then said, "Hagrid, what are you doing here?"

"I live here, Dumbledore." Hagrid smiled sympathetically. Cornelius Fudge pushed past Dumbledore and was now standing in front of Hagrid.

"Fudge? You're here too?" asked Dumbledore, frowning vacantly.

Fudge and Hagrid exchanged understanding glances and smiled to each other. Fudge put a hand on Dumbledore's shoulder, "Not to worry Albus, allow me to explain why we're here."

He turned to Hagrid, his tone dipping, "Bad business Hagrid. Four attacks on Muggle-borns. Things've gone far enough. Ministry's got to act."

"I never!" Hagrid looked imploringly at Dumbledore who seemed to have regained understanding on the situation. "You know I never, Professor Dumbledore, sir…"

"I'm sorry Hagrid, I believe you are not a child rapist but I alone cannot prove that to the Ministry."

"Yes, we shall be taking you to Azkaban for a short stretch only," Fudge informed him.

"Not Azkaban!" croaked Hagrid.

Before Fudge could answer there was another loud rap on the door.

Dumbledore answered it. Mr Lucius Malfoy strode into Hagrid's hut, swathed in a long black travelling cloak, smiling coldly.

"Already here, Fudge, " he said approvingly, "Good, good…"

"What the fuck are you doing in here? Get out of my house!" Hagrid yelled loudly.

"Oh, so that's what you call it, a house." Lucius smirked.

"What do you want, Lucius?" said Dumbledore politely.

"Dreadful thing," said Mr Malfoy lazily, taking out a long roll of parchment, "But the governors feel it's time for you to step aside from your role of headmaster. This is an order of suspension. I'm afraid we feel you're losing your touch with the Alzheimer's and everything."

"Well, as much as I highly disagree with your judgment, I will do as you say," said Dumbledore calmly.

Malfoy strode to the cabin door, opened it and bowed Dumbledore out. Fudge, fiddling with his crotch, waited for Hagrid to go ahead of him, but Hagrid did not move. He stood his ground, took a deep breath and said carefully, "If anyone wanted to find out some stuff, all they'd have to do would be to follow the spiders."

Fudge stared at him in amazement.

"Alright, I'm coming," he pulled on his moleskin overcoat and followed Fudge through the door.

**A/N: **Yes, quite short. We were going to make it a double post but the next chapter really needs to be posted with chapter 18 for it all to work so that idea was scrapped and you dear readers were left with just the short chapter, sorry about that. But i reckon if we hear from enough people we may be able to post again this weekend. That is of course if you want to read the next chapter straight away (which please note: is the longest one in the whole thing). So if we can hear from at least 15 of you guys by dusk on Sunday, we will post chapter 17. And perhaps with that we'll get to hear from those who haven't dared yet contact us. All reviews replied to and every reviewer will be acknowledgeed at the very end. So on that note, possibly hear from us again this wkend, if not it's next friday.

So until then,

Froste.


	17. How 'Bout You Virginity?

A/N: Hi guys, long time no speak. I've been banned from using the computer for a while now. But ive also been busy packing for Japan. im going with mother to stay in Tokyo this holidays. Just so i can get my bearings and a feel for the city so im not completely over-whelmed later this year when i go on my own. Madley hasnt been allowed to come cos only I do Jap at school. So they're (Mad and father) are staying home to play polo and crouquet. so, you may not hear from me for a little while. Thankyou to those new people who have started reading our story and those of you who finally decided to tell us what you think. It resulted in a very quick re-post, as promised. We'll see what we can do about getting the follow up chapter to you in a couple of days, because it wont make much sense without it. so hope you enjoy this one!

syonara minasan, konichiwa nihon...

"goodbye everyone, hello japan!"

Blaze-Splinder Froste...enjoy!

-CHAPTER SEVENTEEN-

**How Bout Your Virginity…?**

Harry whipped the cloak off both of them.

"Oh shit, they caught Hagrid and Dumbledore! What are we going to do?" Harry was stressing out.

"Hagrid said follow the spiders…" Ron looked down and followed the trail of spiders scuttling up the wall and out the window.

"Oh, as though! We aren't seriously going to do what he says! He's a fucking pedo, Ron!" Harry looked outraged at the sheer idea of following the spiders.

"Ok, ok, calm down, Harry. I'm sure we'll be ok. Let's just go back up to the castle before we get attacked." Ron pulled the cloak over them both.

As they were walking across the grounds, Harry confessed to Ron, "Listen Ron, there's something I have to tell you…" and he told Ron all about the memory in the diary.

They decided to go back up to their dormitory and get some sleep before going to see Hermione in the hospital the next day.

The next morning they were walking to visit Hermione, when Professor McGonagall stopped them.

"Where are you boys going? You're not supposed to be out here alone."

"Sorry Professor, we were hoping to pay Hermione a visit." Harry explained.

"Oh, well, I supposed you could, just tell Madame Pomfrey you have my permission, otherwise she might not let you in."

"Thank you." They jogged down the corridor to the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey let them in, but reluctantly.

"There's no point talking to a petrified person," she said and they had to admit she was right when they'd taken their seat next to Hermione. It was plain that Hermione didn't have the faintest inkling that she had visitors. Harry and Ron sat staring ashen faced at her body, still trying to take in what had happened to her.

"Poor thing…" Harry put his hand on Hermione's right breast and squeezed. "Oh, what's that?…" Harry looked shocked.

"What's what?" Ron looked puzzled.

"Are all girls' breasts supposed to be lumpy?" Harry asked Ron, feeling Hermione more searchingly.

"No idea," Ron said.

Harry pulled Hermione's top down revealing her bra. There was a lump sticking obscurely out.

"What the fuck's that?" Ron looked confused.

Harry put his hand inside Hermione's bra and felt around for a while.

"Oh, take your bloody time in there!" Ron said sarcastically.

Harry pulled out a scrunched piece of paper.

"What the fuck!" he started to open it.

It was a page torn from a very old library book. Harry smoothed it out eagerly and Ron leant closer to read it aswell.

'_Of the many fearsome beasts and monsters that roam our land, there is none more horny or deadly than the Basilisk, known also as the Raping Serpent. The snake, which appears pink in colour and may reach giant size, can also live many hundreds of years. It is born from a chicken's egg, hatched beneath a feotus. Its methods of raping are most wondrous for aside from its giant penis-like appearance, the Basilisk has a murderous stare, and all who are fixed with the beam of its eye shall suffer instant death. Spiders flee before the Basilisk for it is their mortal enemy, and it flees only from the crowing of the rooster, which is fatal to it.'_

And beneath this a single word was written in a hand Harry recognised as Hermione's. _'Pipes.'_

It was as though someone had flicked a light on his head.

"Ron," he breathed, "This is it. This is the answer. The monster in the Chamber's a Basilisk- a giant dick! That's why I've been hearing that voice all over the place, and nobody else has ever heard it. It's because I understand Parseltongue…"

Harry looked up at the beds around him.

"The Basilisk kills people by looking at them. But no one's dead- because no one looked it straight in the eye. Colin saw it through his camera. The Basilisk burned up all the film inside it, but Colin just got petrified. Justin…sweet beautiful Justin…"

Ron cocked an eyebrow as Harry trailed off into a world of fantasy, "Ah, Harry!" he said a little too loudly.

Harry jumped and stared at him, slightly confused as to where he was.

"Justin…" Ron prompted.

"Oh right. Justin… Justin must've seen the Basilisk through Nearly Headless Nick! Nick got the full blast of it, but he couldn't die _again_… and Hermione and Percy's whore were found with a mirror next to them. Hermione had just realized the monster was a Basilisk. I bet you anything she warned the first person she met to look round corners with a mirror! And that girl pulled out her mirror- and-"

"Anything, eh?" said Ron slyly. "How bout your virginity?"

Harry frowned, "What!"

"You said you'd bet me anything that Hermione warned the first person she saw and I'm willing to take you up on that bet," said Ron coolly.

"What? Ron, don't take everything I say so literally, you dick. I wasn't fuckin' serious!" Harry rolled his eyes at Ron's stupidity.

Ron, over-embarrassed by Harry making him look stupid, tried to get him back. "Oh yeah, then Harry, what about Mrs Norris? That screws up your wonderful explanation. I don't think the cat had a mirror or camera."

Ron smirked as Harry frowned vacantly at the floor. He thought hard, picturing the scene on the night of the attack.

"The water…" he said slowly, "the flood of water from Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. I bet you-" Harry stopped, cleared his throat, Ron sneered even more.

"-Mrs Norris only saw the reflection," he concluded triumphantly, giving Ron one of his boyfriend's infamous, Malfoy smirks.

He scanned the page in his hand eagerly. The more he looked at it, the more it made sense.

"_Spiders flee before it! _It all fits!"

"But how's the Basilisk been getting around the place?" said Ron. "A dirty great snake… I mean who's gonna miss a snake that looks like a giant dick sliding past them?"

Harry, however, pointed at the word Hermione had scribbled at the foot of the page.

"Pipes," he said. "Pipes… Ron, it's been using the plumbing. I've been hearing that voice inside the walls…"

Ron suddenly grabbed Harry's arm.

"Pipes, Harry! Where's somewhere we know that's _full_ of pipes? A bathroom! But not just any bathroom- what if the Chamber of Secrets entrance is in-"

"- _Moaning Myrtle's bathroom_," said Harry. "Yes, it fits," he squealed excitedly, wringing Ron's arm. "It all fits! Draco told us that last time the Chamber was opened a girl died. Myrtle's still wearing her robes, so she must have died in them. She died here at school and I'm sure as hell not many other people would have, it must have been her that the Basilisk killed! Yes, Ron, that's it! The entrance has _got _to be in her bathroom!"

They stood there, excitement coursing through them, hardly able to believe it.

"What shall we do?" asked Ron, whose eyes where flashing, "Shall we go to the staff room?"

"Yeah, McGonagall will be there."

They ran down the stairs. Not wanting to be discovered hanging around in another deserted corridor, they went straight into the staff room. It was completely deserted. It was a large paneled room full of dark wooden chairs. There was a table in the center, which again had a stack of black wrapped magazines.

Harry and Ron paced around the room, too excited to sit down, waiting for the bell to signal break.

But the bell never came.

Instead, echoing down through the corridors came Professor McGonagall's voice, magically magnified.

"_All students to return to their house dormitories at once. All teachers return to the staff room. Immediately please._"

Harry wheeled round and grabbed Ron's shoulders, his face full of panic.

"Not another attack, Ron! What if it's Draco!"

"Harry, calm down. Draco's a pureblood, he'll be safe! But what do _we_ do! We're in the staff room for god's sake. The teachers are gonna be here any second!"

"Shit," said Harry, glancing around. There was an ugly sort of wardrobe to his left, full of all the teachers' cloaks. "In here. Let's hear what it's about."

He grabbed Ron's hand and dragged him into the closet with him. The cupboard inside was cramped and the boys had to stand bodies pressed up against each other.

"What went wrong with us, Harry?" whispered Ron.

Harry managed to resist the urge to slap him. This was neither the time nor the place. He calmed his breathing and put on a pleasant voice.

"Ron, please, this isn't-"

"Come on Harry, please. Just tell me. It's all I ask. What went wrong?"

Harry sighed. "Nothing went really _wrong_,Ron. I loved the time we spent together. But I like the time we spend together now, even better, as just- friends. Besides, I found someone else."

"Ok," said Ron, "I understand. I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA LEAVE ME FOR HIM! FUCK! I KNEW IT-"

But Ron was cut off by the rumble of the staff room door opening.

From behind the musty folds of cloaks, they watched the teachers filtering into the room. Some of them were looking puzzled, others downright scared. Then Professor McGonagall arrived.

"It has happened," she told the silent staff room. "A student has been taken by the monster. Right into the Chamber itself."

Professor Flitwick squealed and dropped into Professor Sprout's arms, whimpering.

"There, there my love," she cooed, rubbing her lover's back.

Madam Hooch clapped her hands over her mouth. Snape gripped the back of a chair very hard and said, "How can we be sure?"

"The heir of Slytherin," said Professor McGonagall, who was very white, "left another message. Right under the first one. _Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber for ever_."

Professor Flitwick burst into tears in Professor Sprout's arms.

"Who is it?" said Madam Hooch, who had sunk, weak-kneed, into a chair, "Which student?"

"Ginny Weasley," said Professor McGonagall.

Harry felt Ron slide silently down onto the wardrobe floor beside him.

"We shall have to send all the students home tomorrow," said Professor McGonagall. "This is the end of Hogwarts. Dumbledore always said…"

The staff room door banged open again. For a wild moment, Harry was sure it would be Dumbledore. But it was Lockhart, and he was beaming.

"So sorry- dozed off- what have I missed?"

He didn't seem to notice that the other teachers were looking at him with something remarkably like hatred. Snape stepped forward.

"Just the man," he said. "The very man. A girl has been snatched by the monster, Lockhart. Taken into the Chamber of Secrets itself. Your moment has come at last."

Lockhart blanched.

"That's right, Gilderoy," chipped in Professor Sprout (lover still in arms). "Weren't you saying just last night that you've known all along where the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets is?"

"I-well, I-" spluttered Lockhart.

"Yes, didn't you tell me you were sure you knew what was inside it?" Professor Flitwick piped up, sitting up in Professor Sprout's arms.

"D-did I? I don't recall…"

"Yes actually," said Snape bluntly, "you did."

Lockhart stared around at his stony-faced colleagues.

"I…I really never…You may have misunderstood…"

"We'll leave it to you, then, Gilderoy," said Professor McGonagall. "Tonight will be an excellent time to do it. We'll make sure everyone's out of your way. You'll be able to tackle the monster all by yourself. A free rein at last."

Lockhart gazed desperately around him, but nobody came to the rescue. He didn't look remotely handsome any more.

"V-very well," he said. "I'll- I'll just be in my office, getting- getting ready."

And he left the room.

"Right," said Professor McGonagall, whose nostrils were flared, "that's got that piece

of _shit_ out from under out feet."

By 'piece of _shit_' Harry assumed she was referring to Lockhart.

"The Heads of Houses should go and inform their students what has happened. Tell them the Hogwarts Express will take them home first thing tomorrow. Will the rest of you please make sure no students have been left outside their dormitories."

The teachers rose, and left one by one.

Harry pushed open the closet door immediately and lifted Ron out. Ron slumped to the floor in a state of shock.

Harry knelt down in front of him, rubbing his leg. "Oh, Ron. I'm so sorry, c'mon mate, it'll be alright."

"Harry," Ron looked up and stared into Harry's eyes, his own filled to the brim with tears. "What are we gonna do?"

Harry thought to himself, a wrinkle forming on his brow, still absent-mindedly rubbing Ron's thigh.

"Ron, Lockhart's gonna try and get into the Chamber, we've got to tell him what we know."

Ron nodded numbly, "Yes…yes that's a good idea."

"And here's something to make you feel better." Harry leant forwards, cupped Ron's face in his hands and pressed his warm lips to Ron's. He drew back and smiled.

"Th…thanks, Harry," Ron smiled back.

"C'mon," Harry pulled Ron to his feet and they ran from the staff room to Lockhart's office.

Darkness was falling as they reached Lockhart's headquarters. There seemed to be a lot of activity going on inside it. They could here scrapes, thumps and hurried footsteps.

Harry knocked. There was a sudden silence from inside. Then the door was opened the tiniest crack and they saw one of Lockhart's eyes through it.

"Oh…Harry…Mr Weasley…" he said, opening the door a mite. "I'm rather busy at the moment. If you would be quick."

"Professor, we've got some information for you," said Harry. "We think it will help you."

"Er- well- it's not terribly-" the side of Lockhart's face that they could see looked rather uncomfortable. "I mean- well- alright."

The door opened and they entered. Lockhart silently locked the door behind them.

The office had been almost completely stripped. Two large trunks stood open on the floor. Robes, jade-green, lilac, midnight blue, had been hastily folded into one of them; the other was filled with books and various pleasuring devices. Harry looked away in disgust.

Against one wall was what looked like a massive surveillance system: computer screens, monitors, cameras, endless rolls of film, numerous reports, and an abundant array of scattered post-it notes. Harry stepped forward and picked up a report- '_12.37pm: subject goes to toilet. Returns after 10min interval, excretes No.2' _He picked up another- _'8.24am: subject has shower: 11min, 47sec. Forgot towel, was forced to leave nude. Photos- 3rd drawer, filed under: 'sexual fantasy', check also: 'HP's behind'_

"What the hell is this?" muttered Harry enraged, gesturing towards the monitoring equipment.

"Just a bit of surveillance, Harry. Thought you wouldn't mind. I like to keep an eye

on my playmates," said Gilderoy.

Ron was looking back and forth between the teacher and his student, confused. He looked around the room at all the books and clothes that had been hastily stuffed into the two open trunks.

"Are you going somewhere?" he asked slowly.

"Er, well, yes," said Lockhart, ripping a life-size poster of himself from the back of the door as he spoke, and started to roll it up. "Urgent call…unavoidable…got to go…"

"What about my sister?" said Ron jerkily.

"Well, as to that- most unfortunate," said Lockhart avoiding their eyes as he started frantically shoving the reports and post-it notes into a bag. "No one regrets more than I-"

"You're the fucking Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!" yelled Harry, flailing his arms.

"Well, I must say…when I took the job…" Lockhart muttered, now piling the rolls of film on top of his robes, "nothing in the job description… didn't expect…"

"You mean you're _running away_?" said Harry disbelievingly. "After all that stuff you did in your books?"

"Books can be misleading," said Lockhart delicately.

"You wrote them!" Harry shouted.

"My dear boy," said Lockhart, straightening up and frowning at Harry. "Do use your common sense. My books wouldn't have sold half as well if people didn't think that _I'd _done all those things. No one wants to read about some ugly American hobo, even if he did save a village from werewolves. He'd look dreadful on the front cover. No dress sense at all. And the wretch who banished the Bandon Banshee had a harelip. I mean, come on…"

"So you've just been taking credit for what a load of other people have done?" said Harry incredulously.

"Harry, Harry," said Lockhart, shaking his head impatiently, "it's not nearly as simple as that. There was work involved. I had to track these people down. Ask them exactly how they managed to do what they did. Then I had to put a Memory Charm on them so they wouldn't remember doing it. If there's one thing I pride myself on, it's my Memory Charms. No, it's been a lot of hard work, Harry. It's not all book signings and seducing young boys, you know. You want fame and sex, you have to be prepared for a long hard slog."

He banged the lids of his trunks shut.

"Let's see," he said. "I think that's everything." He shoved a loose post-it note into his pocket. "Yes, only one thing left."

He pulled out his wand and turned to them.

"Awfully sorry, boys, but I'll have to put a Memory Charm on you now. Can't have you blabbing my secrets all over the place. I'd never sell another book. Unless of course… don't have time for one last little 'game' do we, Harry, before I wipe your memories?"

Harry glared at Lockhart. Ron frowned.

"Harry, what's he talking about- game?"

The answer was cut off by a rattling from the door. Harry swore he heard a voice curse form outside.

"Did you hear that?" asked Ron, walking over to the door.

Lockhart's wand swung round and he pointed it at Ron's face, stopping the red head in his tracks.

"I heard nothing dear boy, now stop stalling for time, Harry, what's it going to be?"

Harry looked furious at the older man's suggestion. "Go fuck yourself you desperate old bastard. I'm not gonna let some sick gay man touch me, especially not one as old and unattractive as you," Harry spat at his teacher.

"O-old…un-una-unattractive," stuttered Lockhart. He looked devastated at the thought.

"I'm tired of this game," said Harry, drawing out his wand, "Aren't you Ron?"

Ron nodded and followed Harry's lead, pulling out his own wand and pointing it at Gilderoy.

"Drop your wand," Harry ordered.

Lockhart looked up and came face to face with two wands- he was outnumbered.

He dropped his wand. Ron dashed forward and picked it up, throwing it out the window.

"HA!" he yelled.

Lockhart sighed. "What do you want me to do?" he said weakly. "I don't know where the Chamber of Secrets is. There's nothing I can do."

"You're in luck," said Harry. "We think _we _know where it is. _And _what's in it. Now OUT! Ron, the door, if you please."

Ron nodded and walked to the door, turned the key in the lock and swung it open. Lockhart was marched out with Harry and Ron behind him, wands in his back. They marched down the nearest staircase and along the dark corridor where the messages shone on the wall.

Ron suddenly came to a holt. "What was that?" he yelled spinning around and pointing his wand at the deserted passage.

"Ron, you're hearing things again," said Harry, whom had heard nothing.

Ron shook his head and turned back to Harry and Lockhart. They entered Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

They sent Lockhart in first; Harry was pleased to see that he was shaking. Moaning Myrtle was sitting on the cistern of the end toilet.

"Harry!" she leapt up and swept over to him delighted.

"Hey Myrtle," said Harry. He walked over to the sink and studied it. Ron and Lockhart came over too.

"Look," said Harry pointing to the tap.

"A snake," breathed Ron. And that it was: scratched on the side of one of the copper taps was a tiny snake.

"That tap's never worked," said Myrtle brightly as Harry tried to turn it.

"This must be it," said Ron. "This must be the Chamber's entrance."

Harry nodded, thinking it over. It all fitted. Suddenly he could feel iciness around his backside, it was getting colder, until-

"SHIT MYRTLE!" he screamed clutching his freezing backside. It was almost numb. "Do you know how fucking _disturbing_ that feels? I thought I told you not to try and touch me, _ever_; I've got a boyfriend, you know?"

"A-a boyfriend?" she asked, slightly confused, "but Harry," she frowned, "how can you have a boy friend? You're- you're a- a-"

"A boy?" spat Harry. Christ hadn't this girl ever heard of gays? "And what's wrong with that?"

He put his hands on his hips and glared at her, "homophobe," he muttered.

"Look, just piss off, Myrtle. We don't need you here anyway." Ron didn't need Harry having an argument about gay rights with the ghost at a time like this.

"Fine," said Myrtle moodily and she disappeared into her cubicle.

They all turned back to the sink.

"Say something in Parseltongue," urged Ron.

Harry thought hard, it made sense. He stared at the tiny engraved snake, trying to imagine it real.

"Open up," he said, staring at the snake, willing himself to believe it was alive. "Open up," he repeated, except the words weren't what he heard, a strange hissing escaped him, and at once the tap glowed a brilliant white and began to spin. Next second, the sink began to move, sinking right out of sight, leaving a large exposed pipe visible.

To the shock of the three onlookers, a filthy, unmanicured hand, suddenly reached out from the pipe, grasping the floor above. An arm followed the hand, revealing a pink tattered sleeve.

Carson Kressley crawled gasping from the Chamber's entrance. The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy theme song was pumping from an unknown source. _'All things just keep getting better…'_

"Oh my gosh!" squealed the gay, elegantly getting to his feet and noticing Harry. "If it isn't the famous Harry Potter. Thank you for letting me out. I thought I was gonna, like, fully die down there. Thanks sweetie pie." He tweaked Harry's cheek.

"Oh my, aren't we the looker," Carson turned to Lockhart and checked him out. "I'll be seeing _you_ later. We're gonna need to zjoojsh you up a bit, though. Teacher's robes are so last year."

He turned and flicked his hand into the international gay gesture, then strutted out, swinging his hips, muttering, "Down there for fifty years, no products, no designer brands, life without the theatre- I'll get Ted for this…"

Harry shook his head and stared back down the pipe, wondering what other surprises the Chamber had install for them.

"I'm going down there," he announced. He couldn't not go, not now they had found the entrance to the Chamber, not if there was the faintest, slimmest, wildest chance that Ginny might be alive.

"WHAT?" yelled Ron. "Well then, me too."

"Well, you hardly seem to need me," said Lockhart, backing towards the door. "I'll just-"

"I don't think so!" snarled Harry, wand aimed at the man's heart, "You can go first."

The teacher's face went white and he approached the gaping hole.

"Boys," he said, his voice feeble, "boys what good will it do?"

Harry jabbed him the back with his wand, Lockhart slipped his legs into the pipe.

"I really don't think-" Ron gave him a push in the back, the man shrieked and disappeared from view. Ron jumped in after the teacher.

Harry looked into the gaping hole. It was pitch black; he couldn't see Lockhart or Ron. He swallowed and lowered himself slowly into the pipe.

"Oi, Myrtle," he called to the ghost girl.

Myrtle appeared at his side at once, staring longingly at Harry. She too, looked into the gaping hole and swallowed.

"Harry if you die down there you're welcome to share my toilet."

Harry shook his head, gee this girl was persistent, but his mind was set- it was boys for him, one wonderful boy in particular.

A thought came to him.

"Myrtle, if I don't come back, tell Draco I love him."

Myrtle looked irritated at the idea but nodded sadly.

"Thanks Myrtle, I know I can count on you."

Myrtle smiled shyly at him.

Jesus, this was getting awkward, he turned away and looked back into the pipe.

"Here I go," he announced.

"I can't watch!" cried Myrtle and disappeared.

_Girls_, thought Harry, rolling his eyes. He edged slowly away from the floor, lowering himself into the pipe.

"HARRY, NO!"

He stopped what he was doing- that had been a boy's voice- _his _boy's voice. He spun round, "Draco?"

There stood his boyfriend, he looked worried and his eyes were an alarming size, but he still managed to look immaculate. God, he's hot, thought Harry.

All of a sudden, without warning, Harry felt his arm muscles shudder and collapse under his weight. He had lowered himself too far into the pipe. He gasped in astonishment and the blonde disappeared from sight.

"HARRY!" came the cry from above, but the voice disappeared into the darkness along with the rest of the world above.


	18. Snape: A Poofta?

A/N: For anyone completely lost this is the previous chapter through the eyes of Draco. Sorry i haven't gotten round to replying to all ur reviews but i promise i will in amongst all my croquet playing, lol (when our aprents went to Scotland earlier this year our grandmother taught father how to play croquet and he's become really competetive with it lately and lucky me, i've become his oponant for the next week, damn you mother and Blaze, i hope ur laughing it up in Japan, because when u get back me and father are gonna whip ur arses ina match that will go down in history. Surprisingly enough the game's pretty tough and really fun, especially when ur playing with father who gets really into it. Good times.). -until next time, M.T.

-CHAPTER EIGHTEEN-

**Snape: A Poofta?**

Draco frowned at the closed door that led into Lockhart's private office.

This can't be right, he thought. But he had distinctly just seen Harry and Weasley enter through the very same door. He crept closer, putting his hands against the rough wood and pressed his ear to the surface.

From inside he could hear muffled talking- what the hell are they doing in there?

He pressed his ear harder to the door trying to make out the words.

"…don't have time for one last little 'game' do we Harry, before I wipe your memories?"

Draco drew back from the door in alarm. It had been Lockhart's voice he had heard, and he was going to attempt to wipe Harry's memories? Draco didn't know what he meant by that, perhaps it was another sick game, but he knew perfectly well what Lockhart was implying he and Harry should do before hand.

He had to get in there- he had to protect Harry! He grabbed the door handle and twisted it violently back and forth.

"FUCK!" he yelled, the blasted thing was locked.

The room beyond the door fell silent. Draco's hand flew to his mouth. Shit, now they know I'm out here. He leant up against the door again, heart pounding.

"Did you here that?" –That was Weasley.

"I heard nothing dear boy, now stop stalling for time. Harry, what's it going to be?" – Lockhart again.

Draco strained his ears, biting his top lip.

"Go fuck yourself, you desperate old bastard. I'm not gonna let some sick gay man touch me, especially not one as unattractive as you are!" Harry's voice was steady and forceful.

"O-Old…un-una-unattractive…" he heard Lockhart stutter. Draco smirked at the door. That had put the fag in his place.

"I'm tired of this game," continued Harry. "Aren't you Ron?"

Draco assumed Weasley must have agreed, because the next second, he heard a shuffling of feet, a triumphant yell and a defeated sigh. They were still talking but the door was too thick for the sound of the hushed voices to travel through.

Still no closer to finding out what was going on, Draco paced the hall outside the room. Time passed and Harry still hadn't come out, Malfoy felt himself getting worried, he wrung his hands staring at the door.

"OUT!" he heard Harry's voice yell from inside the room. There was a click sounding like a key in a lock, a twisting noise and then the door swung open.

Draco ducked behind a nearby suit of armor and peered out to see Lockhart forced from the room by Harry and Weasley, who both had their wands drawn and pointed at the teacher in a threatening manner. The trio marched past Draco's hiding place and down the hall. Malfoy nipped out from behind the armor and followed at a safe distance. The threesome led him to the second floor; he took a moment to catch his breath and glanced up at the bloodstained wall. Something clicked into place in his mind; he let out a loud gasp.

"What was that?" yelled Weasley spinning around brandishing his wand.

"Ron, you're hearing things again," said Harry in an agitated tone.

Draco had stepped behind a statue of a humpbacked man just before Weasley had turned. He knew it would be risky to look out in case they saw him, but he did it anyway.

"Shit," he muttered, looking furiously around. The passage in front of him where Harry had just been was deserted and led to a dead end.

Whilst looking around to find where they'd got to, the shimmering writing caught his eye. He swallowed, he now had a pretty good idea of where Harry was going, but he hoped to God he was wrong.

He looked back down the corridor and squinted. No- it wasn't a dead end- he could see a door! He ran as silently as he could, reached for the door handle and then- WAIT!

"What!" he asked no one in particular, seen as the corridor was empty. He frowned at the door leading into the bathroom, but not just any bathroom- a _girls'_ bathroom.

He stood rooted to the floor thinking it over in his head. Why would they have gone into a girls' bathroom? Perhaps he was wrong. Maybe they weren't headed to where he thought they were. Because why would the Chamber's entrance be in a _bathroom_? A _girls'_ bathroom at that.

Pff, fuck this, I'm going in. Draco pulled on the handle and quietly crept in, pulling the door to behind him.

He slipped behind a pillar and watched. There they were, yet now they were accompanied by what looked like a young female ghost. The four of them were clustered around a sink and seemed to be wondering what to do next. They were talking but Draco couldn't make out what they were saying. Besides, the girl who was edging closer to Harry with every second was distracting his attention. Draco narrowed his eyes and glared at her, "Harry's mine, bitch," he muttered in an undertone to himself, not taking his eyes off the pair for a second.

The girl's hand reached over slowly towards Harry's arse. Draco held his breath, eyes widening. She was almost touching him… and then-

"SHIT MYRTLE!" screamed Harry, clutching his backside, "Do you know how fucking _disturbing_ that feels? I thought I told you never to try and touch me- EVER! I've got a boyfriend, you know?"

Malfoy smirked to himself, that's right, he thought, that arse is my property only- hands off, you little whore.

The girl- Myrtle Harry had called her- was staring at Harry in shock. "A-a boyfriend?" she asked, slightly confused, "but Harry, how can you have a boy friend? You're- you're a- a-"

"A boy?" spat Harry, hands on hips, glaring back at the ghost. "And what's wrong with that?"

Draco chuckled to himself and watched Weasley look back and forth from Harry to Myrtle in alarm.

"Look, just piss off Myrtle. We don't need you here anyway."

Wow, thought Malfoy, Weasley's actually being useful for once.

"Fine," said the girl moodily. Draco watched her glide into a toilet cubicle and disappear. She lives in a toilet? He raised an eyebrow in disgust, then turned back to Harry.

"Say something in Parseltongue," urged Weasley.

Draco frowned as Harry stepped up to the sink and whispered something under his breath.

There was a brilliant white light and next second, the sink began to move, sinking right out of sight, leaving a large exposed pipe visible. Unexpectedly a hand appeared from out of the pipe, dragging up with it, a man clad in a pink tattered blouse and tight alligator skin pants. He had blonde hair and well-tanned skin. Draco frowned- he knew him from somewhere. All of a sudden the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy theme tune filled the bathroom, and Draco nodded in recognition- It was none other than the Fab Five's leader himself- Carson Kressley.

Carson gasped and turned to Harry, gibbering away in an American accent at an alarming rate, making it impossible for Draco to pick up what he was saying. The gay then turned to Lockhart, eyeing him up and down, and gibbering in a suggestive tone to the teacher. He then placed one hand on his hip, lifted the other arm into the air and flopped his wrist over in a swift movement. Smiling he turned, Draco backed further behind the pillar so Carson wouldn't see him. Luckily the man strutted right past him muttering to himself about getting revenge on the team's food and wine connoisseur. Draco turned his attention back to Harry.

"I'm going down there," announced Harry, looking into the massive pipe.

"WHAT?" yelled Weasley.

Draco's heart stopped. He was frozen in horror; all he could do was watch as the scene unfolded.

"Well then, me too," said Weasley.

"Well, you hardly seem to need me," Draco was shocked to hear Lockhart's voice; he had forgotten the teacher was there. "I'll just-"

"I don't think so!" snarled Harry, wand aimed at the man's heart, "You can go first."

The teacher's face went white and he approached the gaping hole.

"Boys," he said, his voice feeble, "boys what good will it do?"

Harry jabbed him the back with his wand, Lockhart slipped his legs into the pipe.

"I really don't think-" Weasley gave him a push in the back, the man shrieked and disappeared from view. Ron jumped in after the teacher. Draco's heart seized as he watched his boyfriend lower himself slowly into the pipe. He wanted to shout out and tell Harry to stop, but his voice failed him and he was left gaping open mouthed.

"Oi, Myrtle!" called Harry.

The girl appeared at once and looked longingly at Harry, "Harry, if you die down there, you're welcome to share my toilet."

Harry shook his head, "Myrtle, if I don't come back, tell Draco I love him."

The ghost looked sad but nodded.

"Thanks, Myrtle, I know I can count on you."

The girl looked up and smiled shyly at Draco's boyfriend.

"Here I go," announced Harry.

"I can't watch!" yelled the girl and zoomed out of sight.

Harry slowly edged away from the floor and into the pipe.

Draco suddenly relocated his voice, "HARRY, NO!"

He stepped out from behind the pillar, Harry's head spun round in alarm.

"Draco?"

But it was too late, Harry had lowered himself too far into the pipe and his arms suddenly gave way. He let out a small gasp of astonishment and vanished into the gaping hole.

"HARRY!" Draco screamed, rushing to the pipe's entrance, kneeling down and squinting into the darkness which filled it. Malfoy swallowed, pressed his hand to his forehead, covering his eyes, and shut them.

"Oh god," he muttered on the verge of breaking down. Harry had just gone into the Chamber of Secrets with only the help of bloody Weasley and that dickhead molester Lockhart.

Ok, he told himself, calm down. Harry can take care of himself… Oh fuck! Who am I kidding? I've got to get help!

----

Severus Snape sat at his desk, lazily glancing over a particularly revealing picture of a naked female, in his magazine.

He raised his eyebrows, not bad…

He turned the page. His eyes widened, and he felt his cock harden. The picture was a double page spread of a male threesome. The men were naked, sweaty and climbing passionately over each other. Snape leant closer, reaching his hand under the desk to caress himself through his pants.

He let out a low moan-his touch felt so good. He eyed the page eagerly as one of the men grabbed another from behind and thrust his erect dick into the other bloke. The receiver let out a squeal and grabbed his own penis; together they began to thrust in a rhythmic motion, panting heavily. The third man, looking rather peeved at his friends for getting all the pleasure without him, walked over to the bedpost and began to grind his body up and down it.

"Oh fuck…" moaned Snape, he snaked his hand up to his belt buckle, undid it, and reached into his pants. The touch of his hand on the hardened cock made him whimper. He wrapped his fingers around himself and began to yank his hand fiercely up and down. He gripped the desk painfully with his other hand. The tension was building, he could feel the cum churning through his balls.

"Fuck…fuck…FUCK!" he screeched, gripping the desk harder. His toes curling under, muscles seizing. His breath became staggered and rasping.

"F-F-FU-OH! FUCK!" he tugged on himself harder and harder. "C'mon," he growled under his breath.

The door burst open and in strode his favourite student. Draco was pale and panicked. He rushed to the desk and stopped abruptly, seeing the open magazine, Snape's lustful expression and his arm reaching under the desk.

"Oh shit," said Malfoy, "Am I interrupting something?"

"Ah, no, no! Of course not, Draco," Snape pulled his hand from his pants and wiped it gingerly on his robe. "Can you excuse me for just a minute? Then I'll be right with you."

Draco nodded numbly. Snape rose from the desk and walked into his private bathroom, closing the door after him.

Malfoy looked about the office at all the strange bottled oddities. He walked around the desk and frowned. Sitting on Snape's desk was a framed picture. A picture of a woman. A framed picture of Draco's _mother_.

He clenched his jaw and picked it up. His mother smiled up at him.

Snape came back into the room drying his hands on a towel.

"What's wrong, Draco?"

"Why do you have _this_? _This _is _my mother! _Isn't It?" Draco went even paler with anger.

"Ah…" Snape paled considerably aswell. "Of course not."

He waved his wand and the picture disappeared from Draco's hands. Draco looked murderous.

Snape thought it wise to change the subject. Even he got nervous when a Malfoy was mad. "What's troubling you, Draco? You looked upset when you came in."

"Oh," said Draco, his face returning to its usual paleness. "Professor, Harry's gone into the Chamber!"

"What!"

"I saw him, oh god, we've got to help him, sir," Tears began to roll down the boy's magnificent face. He ran his fingers through his hair, without knowing, destroying its usual tidiness, and completing the image of looking like a nervous wreck.

"Oh Draco," Snape rushed over to the boy and pulled him close. "Don't fret. Potter knows how to look after himself. He's perfectly capable of doing so this time, like all those numerous times before." Snape himself didn't believe a word of what he was telling Draco; they'd be lucky if they could find a scrap of Potter's carcass. But his words seemed to comfort the boy in his arms.

"We've got to do something, Professor," said Draco looking up at him, his eyes pleading.

"You're right," said Snape. "We've got to inform Dumbledore. Lucky for Potter he arrived back five minutes ago, he's been reinstated now that the governors heard Arthur Weasley's daughter was taken. Let's go."

Draco's body flooded with relief, Dumbledore would know what to do.

A/N: Well isn't that convenient: "Lucky for Potter he arrived back five minutes ago.."

Well there you have it guys, it seems Snape wasn't that much of a homophobe after all (always the ones you least suspect). That chapter was a bit of a short one i admit, but not to worry we'll be in the chamber in the next chapter and the finale was begin to unfold. I'll get round to replying to those reviews as soon as possible and look forward to reading what you think of this chapter.


	19. Deja Vu

A/N: OH MY FING GOD! (sorry about my use of language, but i think it is highly necessary) THIS IS IT GUYS! THE ALMIGHTY CHAMBER CHAPTER! by far my favourite in all of the book! Thankyou guys for reviewing as always and showing your loyalty to us! We really do love reading your thoughts on this. I'm in Japan at the moment sitting on the terrace of the hotel looking out on the sunset (time difference here) across the magnificent cherry blossoms. I totally love it here, cant wait to come back in September for school! But i am missing Madley terribly and cant wait to get home in a few days.I have heard from Madley there have been some issues with the racism in this book. Im so sorry, we have not put it in to offend people, it was just simply a spur of the moment thing, and we are definately not against black people. Sorry in advance to those of you who were offended by our last chapter (this chapter has some racial content) and im warning you that if you know you will be offended by racism dont continue to read this chapter. So i hope you like it! its by far the funniest chapter EVER! the chamber holds many secrets...as you all know very well...

ENJOY! and remember...REVIEWS!

only a few more chapters to go...tear but dw, our next book is definately on the way!

syonara minasan

Blaze-Splinder

-CHAPTER NINETEEN-

Déjà Vu

It was like rushing down an endless, slimy, dark slide. He could see more pipes branching off in all directions, but none as large as theirs, which twisted and turned, sloping steeply downwards, and he knew that he was falling deeper below the school than even the dungeons. All Harry could think about was Draco. Why had he been there? How much of the conversation had he heard? Would he come after them? Or would he get help? Harry felt slightly guilty he hadn't mentioned the diary or the chamber to Draco. He was here with Ron instead of Draco. Was that right? Or should Draco be with him instead?

Before Harry could ponder any more, the pipe leveled out, and he shot out of the end with a wet thud, landing on the damp floor of a dark stone tunnel large enough to stand in. Lockhart was getting to his feet a little way away, covered in slime and white as a ghost. Ron was also picking himself up. There was no sign of Draco. He had obviously gone to get help.

"We must be miles under the school," said Harry, his voice echoing, "Under the lake probably."

"Yeah, it smells like shit in here!" said Ron. "Can't see a fucking thing!"

"_Lumos!" _Harry muttered to his wand and it lit. "C'mon," he said to Ron and Lockhart and they started walking, their footsteps slapping loudly on the wet floor.

"Remember, any sign of movement, close your eyes straight away…" Harry warned. The floor seemed to be covered in animal bones. Trying very hard not to imagine what Ginny might look like if they found her, Harry led the way forward, round a dark bend in the tunnel.

"Harry, there's something up there…" said Ron hoarsely, grabbing Harry's shoulder. They froze watching. Harry could just see the outline of something huge and curved, lying right across the tunnel. It wasn't moving.

"Maybe it's asleep," he breathed, glancing back at the other two. Lockhart's hands were pressed over his eyes. Harry edged forwards, his wand held high.

The light slid over a gigantic snakeskin of pale skin colour, lying curled and empty across the tunnel floor. The creature that shed it must have been twenty feet long at least.

"Fucking hell…" said Ron weakly. There was a sudden movement behind them. Gilderoy Lockhart's knees had given way.

"Fuckin' get up!" said Ron sharply, pointing his wand at Lockhart.

Lockhart got to his feet- then he dived at Ron, knocking him to the ground. Harry jumped forward, but too late. Lockhart was straightening up, panting, Ron's wand in his hand and a gleaming smile back on his face.

"Well boys, I guess you have no choice now. I'll make you suck my cock and then erase your memories. I'll then take a bit of skin back to school, tell them I was too late to save the girl, and that you two tragically lost your minds at the sight of her mangled body. Now, get down and suck it!" He violently ripped his pants off. Shoving his body in their direction. Both boys backed away. "What's the matter, Harry? Too scared to suck me in front of your little friend? Well,

I've sucked yours, now it's your turn to suck mine."

Ron gasped, "Harry is that true?"

"It was rape, he lured me to his office and pinned me down! He threatened to tell everyone I'm gay if I told anyone." Harry looked shamefully down at the ground.

"No Harry, don't deny it. You liked it, you didn't do anything to stop me!"

"Oh fuck off! You pinned me to the wall!"

"Well, if you wont do it, I guess I'll just have to wipe your memories now. Goodbye boys."

He raised Ron's cello taped wand high over his head and yelled, "_Obliviate!_"

The wand exploded with the force of a small bomb. Harry flung his arms over his head and ran slipping over the coils of snakeskin, out of the way of great chunks of tunnel ceiling that was thundering to the floor.

Next moment he was standing alone, gazing at a solid wall of broken rock.

"Ron!" he shouted, "Are you ok? Ron!"

"I'm here!" came Ron's muffled voice from behind the rock fall, "I'm ok, this fuck head isn't though- he got blasted by the wand. I can't get through, Harry! What now?"

They were wasting time. Ginny had already been in the chamber for hours. Harry knew there was only one thing to do.

"Wait there," he called to Ron, "Wait with Lockhart. I'll go on. If I'm not back in an hour…"

"I'll try to shift the rocks so you can get back through."

"Ok Ron, see you in a bit…" Harry tried to inject some confidence into his voice.

"Oh…and Harry- I love you, Harry, you're my best friend in the whole world…"

Harry's eyes filled with tears. Just knowing how strong his friendship with Ron was gave him the strength to carry on.

"I love you too, Ron…" he replied and then he walked down the dark tunnel.

He walked down the tunnel for several minutes before he saw a solid wall ahead on which two entwined serpents were carved, their eyes set with great glinting emeralds.

Harry approached, his throat very dry. There was no need to pretend these snakes were real, their eyes looked strangely alive. He could guess what he had to do. He cleared his throat, and the emerald eyes seemed to flicker.

"Open," said Harry in a low faint hiss.

The serpents parted as the wall cracked open, the halves slid smoothly out of sight and Harry, shaking from head to foot, walked inside.

He was standing at the end of a very long dimly lit chamber. Towering stone pillars entwined with more carved serpents rose to support a ceiling lost in darkness, casting long black shadows through the odd greenish gloom that filled the place. His heart beating very fast, Harry stood listening to the chill silence.

He saw something at the very end of the chamber. He slowly inched forward, unsure of what it was. As he got closer to it, he realised what was standing in front of him.

It was a magnificent mirror, as high as the ceiling, with an ornate gold frame, standing on two clawed feet. There was an inscription carved around the top: Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on woshi. It was the mirror he had stood before a year ago, trying to defend the Philosopher's Stone.

"Ahhh FUCK!" he brought his hand up to his temple and shook his head. The last thing he needed now was a fucking repeat of last year. He heard a cackle and looked

up. The mirror was kicked over by someone from behind. It smashed to pieces on the floor. Standing there facing him was Tom Riddle, the one he had seen in the diary. He was looking as handsome as ever.

"Oh, I'm just screwing with you, Harry. We're not going through that shit again. It was boring as hell!"

Harry breathed a sigh of relief, he was glad Tom was here to help him find Ginny. But what was that? Did he say he was with him last year with the Philosophers Stone?

"Well, well, well Harry, you're looking rather sexy tonight in that torn shirt. Quite the hero aren't we, coming here all alone to rescue poor, defenseless Ginny Weasley." He added blandly, "The _ranga_: I'm afraid not everyone can be blessed with the touch of beauty- like us." He opened his mouth and snaked his tongue around his lips.

Harry was finding it difficult not to drool at the sight, Riddle was oh so delicious.

He dropped his gaze from Tom's lips and something orange caught his eye. Ginny was lying in a puddle excretion. Her under garments were removed and her skirt was heavily stained with a white crusty substance.

Harry dropped to her side, grasping her chest and violently shaking her body.

"Don't be dead! Please don't be dead!"

"She's not dead, Harry. I've merely just raped her silly; so hard she's now in a state of unconsciousness."

"You did this?" Harry stared at the boy, who was starting to look less handsome all of a sudden.

"Why yes. After what I did to all those others, it can't have come as that much of a shock."

"What do you mean?" Harry had no idea what Riddle was talking about.

"Didn't anyone notice all the people that were petrified were violently raped?"

"Ah…no. Were they really?"

"Ahhh, FUCK! You mean to say no one noticed… all that work? DAMN!" he clenched his teeth and looked frustrated.

"Why Ginny? She's a pure blood, why do you want her? How do you even know her?" Harry had suddenly turned sour.

"Well, the diary, _my_ diary. Ginny's been writing in it for months, god knows how she got her hands on it. She poured her heart out to me, a complete stranger. I've always wanted to meet you Harry, and I knew, if I brought Ginny down here you would follow, being the strong brave hero you are." Riddle moved closer to Harry and ran both palms down Harry's chest.

"So I pretended that I cared about her lesbian affairs, knowing if I was nice to her, I could control her. I was patient, I wrote back, I was sympathetic, and I was kind. Ginny simply loved me. Ginny poured out her soul to me and her soul happened to be exactly what I wanted. I grew strong and powerful on her lust and passion for lesbian erotica. I, Harry, however, bat for the other team. I simply want gay sex. So, I started to pour a little of myself back into her. I controlled her, _she_ wrote the messages on the

wall and opened the Chamber of Secrets. Haven't you guessed, Harry? I am the heir of Slytherin. Ginny was doing my dirty work."

"No…" Harry whispered.

"Yes, Harry," said Riddle calmly, "It took a long time for that stupid little slut to stop trusting her diary. She finally became suspicious and tried to dispose of it in the bathroom. That is when I met you, sexy." He caressed Harry's cheek.

Harry moved away.

"Why is it that a baby with absolutely no magical talent can defeat the greatest, and hottest, may I add, wizard of all time?" Tom asked.

"Why do you care? Voldemort was _after_ your time." Harry said slowly.

"Because Harry, Lord Voldemort is my past, present and future." He pulled Harry's wand from his pocket and traced three shimmering words into the air:

TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE

Then he waved the wand and the letters rearranged themselves to say:

I AM LORD VOLDEMORT

"Voldie?" Harry gasped.

"That's _LORD Voldemort _to you, Harry. I only accept Voldie in bed."

Harry backed away, scared shitless.

"I want to fuck you up, Harry. I need your gay love. I've longed for your touch for way too long…" He moved closer.

"WHAT! I trusted you!" Harry yelled.

"It's not about trust Harry, it's about sex." Riddle was about to add something to his comment, but froze, hand pointing at Harry's pants.

Music was coming from somewhere. Riddle spun round searching for its source.

'…_.Sexbomb sexbomb you're a sexbomb,  
You can give it to me when I need to come along.  
Sexbomb sexbomb you're my sexbomb  
and baby you can turn me on turn me on…'_

"I thought Tom Jones sang that," said Riddle, looking at Harry inquisitively.

"He does…" said Harry frowning. Riddle was right, that was wasn't Tom Jones's low sexual voice singing the lyrics. It was a female voice. Harry didn't think it sounded as good. He had always thought Tom Jones had the perfect voice and appearance to be singing such an arousing song.

"I like it better when Tom sings it," said Riddle voicing Harry's exact thoughts.

The younger boy nodded in agreement.

"Who the fuck is singing that?" _  
_Riddle stared down to the end of the Chamber and squinted.

"Can you see that?" he asked Harry.

"No," said Harry.

"Here, come stand where I am," he pulled Harry over to where he was and bent down beside him, pointing.

"Oh yeah, I see it," said Harry. A small tanned blob was flying towards them, a red flame trailing behind it.

"I think it's Fawkes…"

"Fawkes?" asked Tom, raising an eyebrow to Harry.

"Dumbledore's pet phoenix fairy," Harry muttered absent mindedly, forgetting who he was talking to.

"Ah," said Riddle nodding.

They both went back to looking at the fairy, Riddle's hand planted, in an almost fatherly way, on Harry's shoulder.

Fawkes was flying straight towards Harry, singing. She was naked as usual but now she wore a leopard skin G-string on her head. She flew to Harry, landing on his shoulder and removing the underwear from her head. She stopped her shocking attempt at the Tom Jones hit upon seeing Riddle glaring menacingly at her.

"That," said Riddle, eyeing the newly dropped G, "Is the old school G-string."

Riddle began to laugh. The chamber rang with the cold dark sound. It echoed around making it sound as though ten Riddles were laughing at once. He laughed so hard, he pissed his pants. He stopped immediately- embarrassed.

"Is that what Dumbledore sends his hero- a naked women in a G-string? Do you feel brave, Harry? Do you feel safe now?"

Harry did not answer; he did not see what use Fawkes and the old underwear could be but at least now he wasn't alone.

"Now, Harry. I'm going to teach you a little lesson. Let's match the sex drive of Lord Voldemort heir of Salazar Slytherin against small but sexy Harry Potter and the trinkets he's been sent by Dumbledore."

"Well, get on with it," said Harry. "Aren't you going to take your pants off?"

"Of course not," said Riddle, looking at Harry like he was a moron. "I don't _do _lower-class boys, no matter how hot they are. I'll get my giant dick to do the work for me."

Harry's eyes flicked towards Riddle's bulging pants. Tom saw where Harry's eyes were.

"No Harry, not this giant dick," he patted his bulge. "This one…"

He turned to the giant face covering the wall behind them, "Come Andruszkinator!" Harry watched as the face's mouth opened wider and wider to reveal a gaping black hole. Something was stirring inside the mouth.

"What did you just say?" asked Harry, staring at Riddle.

"I- um," Riddle frowned. "I don't know… Jesus, it was like some one suddenly possessed me..."

"Possessed?" Harry looked alarmed.

"Yeh, it's not the first time either," Riddle looked as though he was struggling to remember something, "yes, it's definitely happened before. It's usually while I'm sleeping. This woman with short blonde hair, glasses and huge fat rolls comes into my dreams and says strange things. Her voice is the most ear-piercing thing! It's as though she's a galah trapped inside a woman's body. She's always crapping on about something called the Nth Root. It's rather scary…I think she's on crack," Riddle shivered at the thought.

Harry didn't like the sound of this, "Riiight," he said, slightly concerned over Tom's mental state at the moment.

Then he saw it. It emerged from the mouth, looking exactly like a giant dick. It went in and out of the mouth quickly. It was as though it was thrusting. It writhed and squirmed around as though getting pleasure from this exercise.

"It's a giant dick!" a voice yelled from the corner of the chamber.

Harry and Riddle spun round. A black kid was sitting down watching with a bucket of popcorn on his lap.

Riddle raised an eyebrow, "A friend of yours?" he asked.

A/N: Sorry to offend anyone, we are not personally against black people, we have not written this part to offend and upset

"Oh God NO! Typical black kid." Harry replied.

"Go back to fucking Africa, BLACKIE Chan!" yelled Riddle.

The kid stood up outraged, "All I have to do is stay black and die! You fucking racist!"

"Yes, that's right, _die_, by my white hand!" Riddle flicked his wrist; the kid burst into flames, writhing on the floor in pain. They returned to the snake, but could still hear the screams.

"Die quietly already!" Riddle yelled over his shoulder, glaring at the boy and he shut up.

The snake was advancing on Harry, a lustful look in its gleaming magenta eyes. Its pink body glistening as it slid through the puddles of water, littering the Chamber's floor.

Harry swallowed, Riddle smirked, and the snake flicked its tongue at the sight of a fresh, new victim. Doing what would come first to everyone's mind, Harry turned in the opposite direction to the advancing snake and began to run like hell. Feet slapping painfully against the tiled wet floor, and as he ran, the toe of his left shoe connected with the side of an inadequately laid tile. With no time to even let out a stifled cry, Harry went slamming down, head first, into the cold, slimy surface covering the room.

Spinning round to face the still advancing snake, he clambered to his feet. Harry watched as the Basilisk's tail swept across the floor again. He ducked, something soft hit his face.

The snake's tail had swept the sorting G into Harry's arms. Harry seized it. It was all he had left, his only chance. He rammed it onto his head and threw himself to the floor like an officer in his army helmet, ready for some quality scrounging.

"Help me…help me…" Harry thought, his eyes screwed tight under the G-string's material. "Please help me!" There was no answering voice. Instead, the underwear contracted, as though an invisible hand was squeezing it very tightly.

Something hard and heavy thudded onto Harry's head, almost knocking him out. He grabbed the crotch of the G-string and something long and hard fell to the floor beside him. It was a gleaming silver sword, its handle glittering with rubies the size of eggs. A small scrap of parchment was tightly wound around the sword's handle. He gently pried it from his new weapon, and unraveled it. It was a message, in Dumbledore's handwriting:

'Remember, it's not about sex, it's about trust. Draco and I will be waiting for your return.'

Riddle appeared at his side, snatching the note from Harry's grasp.

"Who's Draco?" he asked.

"My boyfriend," replied Harry.

"Oh, how touching," laughed Riddle. "Guess you won't be seeing him again. Too bad. Was he a looker, like you and I?"

"What do you think?" asked Harry, giving Riddle a seductive stare.

"I've always trusted your judgment, Harry, I know you have good taste in men... But you seem to have forgotten my beautiful snake."

The snake lunged at Harry and began bonking him on the head, over and over again. In began to rub itself up and down Harry's body. It squirmed all around him, its warmth bringing Harry out in a sweat. It wrapped itself around Harry and brought its large head around to face him, almost knocking him off his feet.

"If you were a real dick," said Harry smiling slyly, "I might not have done, what I'm about to do. But unlucky for you, you're _not_."

With one last almighty effort, Harry drove the sword up into the snake's head. It let out an almighty moan of agony. White shit sprayed everywhere as it fell heavily to the ground. As the warm 'blood' drenched Harry's arms, he felt a searing pain just above his elbow. One long poisonous fang was sinking deeper and deeper into his arm, it splintered as the Basilisk keeled over sideways and fell twitching to the floor.

Harry slid down the wall, he gripped the fang and pulled it out, but he knew he was too late. He watched his own blood soaking through his robes as his vision went foggy. I'm going to die! he thought. Just then a flash of feminine skin caught his eye. Fawkes landed on his shoulder. The fairy went down to the wound on Harry's arm.

"It's too late Fawkes…you tried…" Harry said sadly. But all of a sudden the pain was starting to subside. Harry looked down his arm. The fairy was squatting down pissing all over the wound. As the piss ran down his arm it sunk into the wound and was slowly, magically healing it.

"You're dying, Harry Potter. I'm going to watch you die. And then I will rape your body while it's still warm." Riddle looked down, "Get away bitch!" he yelled at the fairy, "Shit! Phoenix piss, healing powers…I forgot…FUCK!" Riddle screamed with frustration.

"Very well then…I'll take you on myself." Riddle was struggling to control his anger.

All of a sudden the diary dropped into Harry's lap. Fawkes had flown over and got it. Harry picked up the basilisk fang covered in his own blood and held it up high above his head.

"Wait…no…what are you doing!" Riddle screamed with panic.

"Goodbye Tom!" Harry yelled as he plunged the fang into the heart of the diary. Black ink spurted out of the pages, flooding the floor and covering his hands. Riddle let out a blood-curdling yelp of agony and then, he was gone. Harry's wand lying abandoned on the grimy floor.

Harry let out a sigh of relief. He heard a moan from the middle of the chamber. Harry looked up to see Ginny Weasley stirring. He ran over to her and knelt by her side. She slowly opened her eyes and gasped for air.

"C'mon, Ginny," he said helping her awkwardly to her feet.

"Oh Harry, Tom made me do it, he- " she burst into tears.

"C'mon, Gin, let's go. Ron's just down the tunnel."

As they ran down the tunnel, they found Ron had cleared a hole in the rocks.

"RON!" Harry yelled in excitement, "I've got her. Ginny! She's alive!"

"Oh my god! Harry! Thankyou!" Ron helped Harry and Ginny clamber through the gap. "Oh thank god, Harry!" Ron flung his arms around his sister and once lover.

A/N: OH WOAH WASNT THAT JUST SO CRAZY! if you loved it...(im guessing the majority of you are on the floor wetting your pants now) please do let us know what you think, and whoever writes the longest review gets a preview of the next chapter before ANYONE else...and i'll keep my word on that. so the easiest way to do it is if after you review can u count up all the words and write how many there are at the bottom so we know who writes the longest, you can review as many times as you like just so u can beat everyone else, but we wont combine all your reviews together, it has to be a single review.

HOPE YOU LIKED IT! COZ WE SURE LOVE THIS CHAPTER!

Blaze-Splinder Froste- From Tokyo Japan


	20. Insert Whitty Chapter Name Here

A/N: I know you'll all be excited to read this chapter! and congrats to Rita Malfoy who won my review comp! u legend! so yes, not much to say right here, except enjoy, and we're doing a double post. This chapter and the last chapter! so even doubly better!

Blaze

-CHAPTER TWENTY-

Insert Witty Chapter Name Here

For a moment, there was silence as Harry stood in the doorway to Dumbledore's office, covered in mud, slime and blood.

"Hello, Harry," said Dumbledore, smiling cheerily at him. "Have you seen my phoenix fairy?"

Dumbledore suddenly shook his head. He went back to twiddling his thumbs and staring vacantly out the window.

Harry frowned, and coughed loudly. Dumbledore spun round, his eyes widening at the sight of Harry.

"HARRY, YOU'RE ALIVE! OH THANK GOD! My word, when Master Malfoy told me, I feared for your life, but-" he smiled fondly at Harry, "But it seems nothing can stop our little hero."

Harry blushed. "Draco, sir, is Draco alright?"

"Oh yes, he's managed to stay quite calm throughout the situation, I believe it comes with being a Malfoy. There were a few tears, but he's alright now. He hasn't left this office all the while, waiting for your return."

Harry was so overcome with emotion. Draco cared for him that much? "Where is he now, sir? Can I see him?" Harry looked around the room anxiously.

"Of course, lad. He's just gone to run a little errand for me- we need our gamekeeper back. He'll be back in a minute. But please Harry, take a seat and tell me everything."

So Harry, his voice hoarse, recounted everything that had happened within the past few hours, to Dumbledore. All the while his headmaster smiling gently at him.

"What you need, Harry, is some food and sleep. I'll send Draco along to see you as soon as he returns."

"Thankyou, sir," said Harry. He got up and crossed to the door. He had just reached for the handle, when the door burst open so violently that it bounced back off the wall.

Lucius Malfoy stood there, fury in his face, and hovering at his side was _Dobby._

Mr Malfoy almost knocked Harry over as he swept into the room.

"So!" said Lucius, his cold eyes fixed on Dumbledore. "You're back! The governors suspended you, but you saw fit to return to Hogwarts."

"Well, you see, Lucius," said Dumbledore, smiling serenely, "the other eleven governors contacted me today. It was something like being caught in hailstorm of owls, to tell the truth. They'd heard that Arthur Weasley's daughter had been killed and wanted me back here at once. They seemed to think I was the best man for the job after all. Very strange rumours they told me, too. Several of them were under the impression that you threatened to rape their families if they didn't agree to suspend me in the first place."

Mr Malfoy went even paler than usual, but his eyes were still slits of fury.

"So- have you stopped the attacks yet?" he sneered. "Have you caught the culprit?"

"We have," said Dumbledore, with a smile.

"_Well?_" said Mr Malfoy sharply. "Who is it?"

"The same person as last time, Lucius, only this time a little more sex crazed," said Dumbledore, "Voldie."

"I believe he only accepts that name in _bed_, Dumbledore. How did _you_ come by calling him such a name?" asked Lucius curiously.

"Oh, Voldie and I go back a long way…" Dumbledore smiled to himself.

"I see…" said Mr Malfoy, shuddering at the images coming to mind.

"Voldie was quite a looker in his time…"

"_Stop _calling him _that_!" spat Mr Malfoy. "You're wrong! He would _never- _not with_ you!_"

"Oh, wouldn't he? You'd be surprised…" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he watched Lucius's face grow paler at the thought of his hero, his _idol_, in bed with this, _this, _irritable, do-gooder of a man who sat before him.

"Prove it," he hissed.

"Oh, no one will be able to do that. Unless of course someone manages to uncover our stash of photos we took. Though I believe they're long gone…" said Dumbledore, smiling at Harry.

Lucius Malfoy stood for a moment, and Harry distinctly saw his hand twitch as though he was longing to reach for his wand. Instead he turned to his house-elf.

"We're going Dobby!"

He wrenched open the door and as the elf came hurrying up to him, he kicked him through the exit.

Harry followed him out and almost walked into the back of him. Lucius had stopped in the middle of the hall.

"Draco?"

Harry's heart skipped a beat. He stepped out from behind Mr Malfoy. There stood Draco, his hair was messy, his face pale and tear-streaked.

"F-Father," he said in a quavering voice. "W- what are you doing here?"

Lucius ignored the question. "Have you been _crying_?"

Harry watched as Draco opened his mouth but nothing came out. C'mon Draco, he thought, you can do this.

"I-I ah…you see, Father," his eyes flicked towards and Harry and then back to his dad. He cleared his throat. "You see, I thought Potter here was dead and I was overwhelmed with emotion. But," he glared in Harry's direction, "It seems I was _wrong_."

Lucius seemed satisfied, he smile at his son. "Yes, it's most unfortunate. Well, I have to go."

Harry watched as Lucius walked off. He was outraged that anyone could be so rude. He hadn't even said goodbye to his own son. Draco sunk to the floor his head in his hands. Harry hated to leave him at a time like this but there was something he had to do. He quickly squatted down in front of Malfoy.

"Draco," he said softly.

"Go away Harry, I don't want you to see me this way."

Harry put his hand under Draco's chin and lifted his head. Malfoy wouldn't meet his eye.

"Oh, Draco," said Harry, he came closer and gently kissed his soft flushed lips. Malfoy didn't look up. Harry shook his head- he would deal with this later. He jumped to his feet and ran down the corridor and around the corner after Mr Malfoy, the diary in hand.

He caught up with him and Dobby at the top of the stairs.

Mr Malfoy," he gasped, skidding to a halt, "I've got something for you."

He forced the diary into Lucius Malfoy's hand.

"What the-?"

Mr Malfoy glanced at the diary and threw it aside. He turned to go.

"Come Dobby, I said, _come_!"

But Dobby didn't move. He stood staring at the open diary in his hands; in between the pages was an old tattered, leopard skin G-string.

"Master has given Dobby a G-string," said the elf in wonderment.

"What's that?" spat Mr Malfoy. "What did you say?"

"Dobby has a G-string," said Dobby in disbelief. "Master threw it and Dobby caught it, and now Dobby- Dobby is _free_!"

Lucius stood frozen, staring at the elf; he turned and looked murderously at Harry.

"You! _You_ did this! You lost me my _pleasuring-elf_!" He lunged at Harry.

But Dobby shouted, "You shall not harm Harry Potter."

There was a loud bang and Mr Malfoy was thrown backwards down the stairs, three at a time, landing in a crumpled heap on the landing below. He got up, his face livid, and pointed at Harry.

"You'll meet the same sticky end as your parents one day Potter, mark my words. They were meddlesome fools too."

"You know," said Harry calmly back. "I hope Draco turns out nothing like you, you fucking bastard."

Lucius whipped out his wand, but Dobby raised a long threatening finger.

"You shall go now," he said fiercely, pointing down at Mr Malfoy. "You shall not touch Harry Potter. You shall go now."

Lucius Malfoy had no choice. With one last incensed stare at the pair of them, he swung his cloak around him and hurried out of sight.

"What can I ever do to repay you?" said Dobby gazing up at Harry.

"I want you to find yourself a lady friend, because I want to see you happy Dobby."

"Oh thank you Harry Potter, sir, Dobby will, sir. Dobby is forever grateful." He snapped his fingers and disappeared.

Harry rushed back up the corridor. Draco was still sitting against the wall.

"I'm so sorry, Harry," he said looking at him sadly. "What I said back there was horrible. God, I'm so weak. I'll never be able to stand up to him and tell him how I really feel. I understand if you hate me and want to break up. I've been such a dickhead to you all year with all this lying and shit. You deserve better." He rested his head on his knees, which were tucked up against his body.

"What are you kidding?" laughed Harry. He sunk down alongside Draco putting his arm around him and pulling him close. "I would never leave you Draco not even if your father found out about us and threatened to kill me. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." Riveting

Malfoy laid his head against Harry's chest and closed his eyes. They sat in silence; Harry felt he could sit here all day.

"Why were you crying?" he asked gently.

Draco didn't open his eyes, "When I saw you go into the Chamber, I- I thought I'd never see you again. I was certain you'd die down there. But looks like you really are the Boy Who Lived."

He sat up and smiled at Harry. Harry smiled back and began to caress Draco's hair. He stared into Draco's eyes and Draco stared back, their faces millimetres apart…

Dumbledore came out of the office and looked down at the two boys sitting on the floor kissing. He smiled to himself and decided to leave them at it.


	21. That is, Rocky Horry

A/N: look guys you may be wondering why we are posting the last two chapters all at once. well, we have come to an agreement that fanfic is distracting us too much from our work, so we have decided to post the last two chapters. we need to get our lives on track again, as we have some family upsets recently and we have to focus on those. so dont take offense that we dont reply to your reviews. we will read them and still appreciate them, but we cant reply. so after this please dont try to contact us until around August when we hope to bring our second book out. We are very sorry to do this to you, but its family over fanfic any day.

please we hope you do enjoy the ending as much as we enjoyed writing it. Thankyou for everyone's support.

Blaze-Splinder

-CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE-

Quote: "The Greatest Movie Of All Time" that is, Rocky Horror

Harry had been to several Hogwarts feasts, but never one quite like this. Everybody was so happy and hyped up. Harry didn't know whether the best bit was Hermione running towards him screaming, "You solved it! You solved it! But how did you find my note…" or sweet, beautiful Justin hurrying over from the Hufflepuff table to wring his hands and apologise endlessly for suspecting him, or Hagrid turning up- released from Azkaban (partially because of his sex offences against other in mates). Exams were cancelled and Dumbledore announced that Professor Lockhart would unfortunately be unable to return to Hogwarts the next year, as he had to go away to get his memory and sex life back on track. There was a lot of loud cheering from everyone at the news of no more Lockhart. It made Harry wonder if he had been Lockhart's only playmate…

Harry and Ron had received four hundred house points each, securing the House Cup for Gryffindor for the second year running. The celebrations went on well into the night. Everyone was taking the opportunity to socialize before they took the train home the next day.

Once everyone had finished eating, Dumbledore stood up and cleared his throat.

"Thankyou everyone and what an eventful year we have had. Thankyou to all the staff, especially Professor Sprout, who managed to successfully harvest the Mandrakes and restore those who had been petrified. And special recognition to Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley who fought hard in the Chamber of Secrets to save the entire wizarding world from Tom Riddle."

The crowd let out a loud round of applause and cheers. Both boys went scarlet. Dumbledore raised his hands and silence fell again.

"I would also like to say welcome back Hagrid- it just isn't Hogwarts without you."

The students cheered again even louder than before. Hagrid beamed broadly. Silence fell once again.

"So, I hope you have a great summer break and I will see you all back here safe and well next year. But until then let's have some FUN!" he jumped up onto the staff table. Everyone, including the teachers, looked shocked. Dumbledore snapped his fingers and everyone was instantly wearing black sparkly corsets, fishnet stockings, high heels and extremely thick makeup. Dumbledore and all the teachers were now standing on the table.

"Let's all do the Time Warp again!" Dumbledore yelled and snapped his fingers once more- the Time Warp started playing and everyone started dancing around climbing up on the house tables.

Dumbledore took the lead.

"Follow me, everyone!" he screamed out and then broke into song-

"_It's astounding! Time is fleeting,"_ he ran his hand sexually down McGonagall's

face. _"Madness takes its toll. But listen closely…"_

McGonagall joined in, _"Not for very much longer."_ She started to rub her body up against Dumbledore.

Dumbledore began singing again, _"I've got to keep control. I remember doing the time warp, drinking those moments when, the blackness would hit me! And the voice would be calling!"_ he jumped down off the table and screamed, "EVERYBODY NOW!"

Everyone started screaming, _"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!" _They all followed Dumbledore who was dancing erotically. _"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"_

Students rubbed themselves up and down one another, laughing and cheering at the same time.

"_It's just a jump to the left!" _Hagrid screamed, jumping in the former said direction, whilst holding his hand to his crotch.

"_And then a step to the right!" _they all chorused.

By this time, Draco had made his way over to Harry as they danced. Harry stepped up onto the table and began thrusting in the air. Draco pulled himself up along side and began feeling Harry up as they followed Dumbledore.

"Now, _KICK! KICK_!" Dumbledore yelled, kicking his legs to the tune.

"_With your hands on your hips," _yelled Snape, placing his hands on his hips and looking down to admire his body in the corset.

"_You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust, that really drives you insane! Let's do the time warp again!" _Dumbledore took his voice up a notch and repeated, _"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"_

They were up on the house tables now, all in a line, thrusting violently in time. Ron saw Draco thrusting Harry in the backside and tried to push him out of the way, but his heels caused him to over balance and crash to the floor. Draco just laughed and returned to rubbing his body up against Harry.

"_It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me. So you can't see me, no, not at all. In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention, Well secluded, I see all!" _McGonagall sang mystically.

"_With a bit of a mind flip,"_ cried Snape.

"_You're into the time slip!"_ hollered Dumbledore. _"And nothing can ever be the same."_

"_You're spaced out on sensation,"_ McGonagall howled seductively.

"_Like you're under sedation!" _roared Hagrid.

"_Let's do the time warp again!" _chanted the students, _"Let's do the time warp again!"_

Dumbledore began swinging his arms up and down, from high to low, across his body. Hagrid and Professor Sprout joined him. Soon everyone was following.

The crowd suddenly parted in the center to reveal a figure wearing a top hat and gold tails with shiny black tap shoes. It was Percy.

"Poof!" Ron screamed out.

"_Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think, When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise. He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.He stared at me and I felt a change.Time meant nothing, never would again." _sang Percy's girlfriend, Penelope, in an earpeircing, high-pitched

voice. All the while Percy had broken into a series of complicated tap combinations: Hitspring, shuffle ball change, toe step heel spring.

Shuffle spring, shuffle spring, heel toe step.

Stamp, slap heel spring. He broke into a series of extremely fast hitspring turns.

"Yeah, Percy!" screamed Dean Thomas sarcastically.

Percy looked up, distracted by the comment and fell flat on his face. He glared up at Ron who was crying with laughter. They resumed dancing.

"_Let's do the time warp again!" _chorused Snape and Hagrid together.

"_Let's do the time warp again!" _sang everyone else.

Harry looked over at Draco's smiling face. He looked down and saw Hermione and Ginnny, Neville, Dean, Seamus and Ron, all enjoying themselves. Life can't get any better than this… Harry sighed thinking to himself. The dancing continued.  
_"It's just a jump to the left. And then a step to the right. With your hands on your hips. You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust," _Dumbledore violently thrusted in McGonagall's direction._ "That really drives you insane. Let's do the time warp again!"_

The whole school, staff and students, belowed_, "LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"_

The lyrics finally ended but everyone kept on dancing all the same, for the music itself continued.

Harry looked up at the headmaster swinging off McGonagall's neck. Out of nowhere came a gigantic cob of corn. It smashed into Dumbledore's face, causing him to collapse on the floor. The music stopped instantly. Everyone turned to face Dumbledore, dead silent.

"OI! CORN!" rang through the silent hall. Fred and George emerged from the shadows. They gave each other a high five. Standing over Dumbledore they gave the audience the thumbs up gesture.

"He's ok, folks!" George screamed.

Nothing happened, Dumbledore didn't move. Both twins turned pale.

"Oh shit, Fred! We killed him!" George was starting to panic. There were gasps from the crowd.

Just then Dumbledore's gnarled hand gripped the table above. He pulled himself to his feet and thrust the corncob into the air, erotically.

"WOO!" he screamed triumphantly, "Death to pathway two, long live blatant copyright infringements!"

THE END

A/N: WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE END! HIP HIP HOORAY!

read our acknowledgements for your recognition...


	22. Acknowledgements & Disclaimer

**_Disclaimer_** -

We do not own; aren't legally allowed to make reference to; and are not entitled to the rights to any of the following:

-_Harry Potter_: includes all associated characters and ideas created in the mind of J.K. Rowling

-_Queen_: Albums: _Greatest Hits, Jazz _and reference to Freddie Mercury

-_Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: _Theme Song: _All Things Just Keep Getting Better _and references to Carson Kressley and Ted Allen

-_Lean On Me: _direct quote

-_Team America_: direct quotes

-_Ford Anglia_

-_The Rocky Horror Picture Show_: Song: _Time Warp _and themes, actions and quotes relevant to movie

-_Tom Jones_: Song: _Sexbomb_

**_Acknowledgements_**

Thankyou to all our fans on fanfic for their continued support and reviews. We wouldnt have had the confidence to post the whole thing if it hadnt been for your words of encouragement and kindness. we'd like to personally thank everyone who has followed _Thrusting Erotica._

_Thankyou to:_

_-RitaMalfoy, punkymonkeyrthp, cut-until-the-pain-go's-away, pinK miKan, daniel radcliffe lover 3, Girl With A Broken Heart, morodii, everythingforme, Angel, Mini Diva, HardActToFollow, Terenity, Supafly09, waddlethepenguin, Julia, RedXTears, littleusangel1, corset, madameclover, nickainai, KillerBunnyslippers, CedricsDream, thelustlesswonder, Suckerr, Lordpink, flameandfire,Drac0-aSian-GiRL, Beware of The Tornado, evil scorpian, Rusted and Weathered, Bsoto, Keastervbn, Toxic Doxie, Phantom Of The Feudal Era, harryndraco, Purplegaydom, raffyne, xAprilxBlossomsx, amy and ..., yaeko, and last but not least prongs11175._

_You are all BLOODY LEGENDS! we both hope that you stay tuned in for our next book which we have decided to dedicate the next 4 months to writing. and once it is done we will be back once again to laugh with you all over again. _

We would personally like to acknowledge the following people and companies for their help and contributions in the creating of the book:

-Mars/Cadbury for providing our sugar

-Ms Dougall and Mrs McCormick who inspired us to rebel

-The Bee Gees, Queen and Gwen Stefani for keeping us awake

-Bill Gates for inventing Microsoft

-Macquarie for providing us with better words than 'said' and 'chicken pie'

-Bic and Parker for the pens

-The manufacturers of our bed- good times

-Freddie- he lives on in all of us

-Team America and The Rocky Horror Picture Show- inspirational

-Tim Curry (a.k.a. Nigel Thornberry) for breaking the mold

-Tom Felton

-The witty British spirit

-Smock for Louis

-Fish for Tom

-Andruszkiw for use of her name

-Scotland- closer than we think...

_Thankyou everyone, and now it is time ot say goodbye. Sadly, but not forever, we'll be back. we'd appreciate it if you could refrain from contacting us while we are concentrating on our book as we would like to spend some quality time together._

_For the last time, G'day and Goodbye!_


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